


Jess' Perspective on the Lake Incident

by StartWhereYouAreUseWhatYouHave



Category: Gilmore Girls
Genre: Gen, Past Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-20
Updated: 2017-07-19
Packaged: 2018-10-08 03:15:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 54,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10376616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StartWhereYouAreUseWhatYouHave/pseuds/StartWhereYouAreUseWhatYouHave
Summary: Some behind the scenes moments of things I would have liked to have seen on the show.  Most are focused on the early days of Jess staying with Luke and his adjustment to trusting and accepting Luke.  A few will be set later during the show or post-series.  I own nothing.





	1. The Lake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just what the title says. My thoughts on Jess' possible reaction to Luke pushing him in the lake during season 2.

Jess was furious. He stormed along the bridge in silence. He hated this town. Hated these people. Nothing in his life was fair. Nothing ever went his way. He was jarred from his thoughts by a flash of movement out of the corner of his eye. An angry hand rushed toward him. He flinched, expecting a hit to his face or head. The next thing he knew he was breaking the surface from where he’d plunged into cool water, his heart beating fast from the shock. He coughed up some of the lake water he’d swallowed in his unexpected dunking and looked around. He saw his uncle’s angry, retreating form well past him, at the far end of the bridge, and two students, a teenage boy and a younger girl, frozen in place near the end of bridge toward the high school. They wore matching expressions of surprise, clearly not accustomed to seeing an adult push a fully clothed teenager into the lake. Of course, there had to have been witnesses to Jess’ humiliation. He would have been more surprised if there weren’t. That’s just the way things went for him. He took the few steps back to the bridge. By now the pair had walked over to the spot where he’d been pushed moments earlier. 

“Are you all right? Do you need a hand?” the boy called out, bending forward and offering Jess a hand up, while the girl looked on silently, her eyes still large from the surprise. The boy had an earnest expression on his face with no sign of mockery. Still, Jess couldn’t stand that these two had seen something so embarrassing. Jess pushed his wet hair back from his forehead and avoided eye contact, “I’m fine.” He purposely walked up to the bridge a few feet from the onlookers and hoisted himself up. “You sure? Your dad looked really mad.” He gave the boy the most withering stare he could manage under the circumstance, “Not my dad. Just stay out of it.” Jess walked off in the direction Luke had gone before the would-be do-gooders could say anything else. Once he got off the bridge and turned out of sight, he slowed his pace. He hadn’t been itching to walk back past the school in his dripping wet state. Everything was hard enough right now without the added embarrassment of being known as the new kid who got pushed in the lake in his first week of school. He also wasn’t looking forward to the prospect of running into Luke anytime soon. He didn’t know where he was going, but his head was screaming at him to get away from everyone. Being alone was always how he coped when his life felt out of control. Even when he couldn’t find a place to be alone in New York, he had always been able to find solitude in books. 

He ended up following a little footpath through a wooded area that seemed to circle the lake. He wet shoes were making slurping noises with every step he took, and he was starting to feel a chill from being wet on a cool autumn day. The lake ended up being bigger than he had expected from what little of it he could see from the bridge. Once he got to the far side of the lake, he felt isolated enough to stop moving. He sat down on a large rock by the water, and forced himself to think through the situation. He’d been sent to live with his uncle against his will. His mother just happened to decide he’d been getting into too much trouble and needed to be sent to his uncle’s to be straightened out about a month into dating her newest loser boyfriend. This guy really didn’t appreciate having to share Liz’s attention with her teenage son. Overhearing the fight about that the night before Jess had been shipped off to his uncle had made the boy laugh out loud. As if he ever got any of Liz’s attention over the men in her life. Hearing Liz accept the guy’s apology for shoving Jess into a wall and smacking him across the face for talking back had been even worse. The apology, if it could even be called that, was basically comprised of ‘Gee, I lost my temper and took it out on your son because he was being a frustrating little shit’. Liz had accepted the explanation as if it actually explained anything. As though lashing out with violence was the inevitable course of action for a grown man who’d lost his temper with a teenager. He was now stuck in Stars Hollow with a man who clearly didn’t want him here, and he needed to come up with some options before his current situation escalated into something resembling the one he’d just left. He couldn’t take any more of this. Between Liz getting drunk and blaming his mere existence for the sorry state of her love life every time another relationship ends and her boyfriends pushing him around, he was so tired of adults using him as someone to dump their shit on.

Luke had seemed ok enough to start with. The first day or two it had even felt like Luke hadn’t minded having him around and had wanted to make him comfortable. He’d even given Jess his own bed the first night when Jess had complained about the inflatable mattress. Jess had kept his guard up so far, either being silent or responding to Luke’s questions with intentional attitude, hoping it would make him stop asking so many. But, nothing seemed to stop the questions. They kept coming. Was Jess hungry? Did he need anything? Where was he going? Was he feeling ok? How was his day at school? Jess had really started to think that the unending questions were the worst thing he’d need to endure with Luke as his guardian. He hated to think now how naïve that had been. He knew better than that. You never knew the worst you had to endure from a new man who had any kind of authority over you until you got him mad. Jess knew that. He’d gone through this so many times over the years with his mother’s boyfriends and husbands. You needed to get them really angry, like lose-your-shit angry, to see how they reacted before you bothered getting attached. If they were going to belittle you and call you names or threaten you or smack you around, it was better to know from the jump, so you didn’t waste your energy on the ones who weren’t worth it. When you got them mad, it became clear who actually gave even the slightest damn about you, who was pretty neutral, mostly ignoring you and merely tolerating your existence to be with Liz, and who was itching for the chance to put you in your place with humiliation, intimidation or violence, often behind Liz’s back. The men who gave a damn were few and far between. Jess couldn’t remember the last time Liz had dated one. The neutral ones were by far the most plentiful, but members of the last group were always the most memorable and seemed to be becoming alarmingly more frequent as Jess had gotten older. He figured his attitude toward them was probably a lot more provoking coming from a seventeen year old than it had been when it had come from a ten or twelve year old. And now that he’d gotten Luke angry, he was confident he could place him in the last group. This wasn’t a surprise to Jess, but it still hurt because he’d let himself hope for something better with his uncle. This was a man who was his real family, related to him by blood, not through an interest in his mother. He had let himself hope that might mean something.

By the time Jess had pulled himself out of his thoughts, the sun had gone down and he was starting to really feel the chill from his still damp clothes. He knew he needed to make a decision, but he wasn’t sure what he should do. He just knew if he had to live with a man who didn’t want him around, he’d rather do it back in New York, where at least he had friends, and a school he was used to. He’d choose the devil he knew, rather than take his chances here. He didn’t know anyone in this town. It would just be him and Luke here. Even though he had to admit it could have been worse, and that Luke hadn’t caused him any real, physical pain when he’d pushed him into the lake, he’d humiliated him and shaken him pretty badly and he wasn’t eager to hang around to give his uncle a second crack at him. He’d need to get on a bus back to New York. He’d try to show up back at Liz’s with promises to stay out of her way just until he turned eighteen and graduated high school. Then he could get a fulltime job and a place of his own somewhere. And, he wouldn’t have to put up with getting bullied at home anymore. He was done with that. He was ready to take care of himself. He pretty much already did. If she wouldn’t let him stay, or if her boyfriend hassled him too much, he had a couple of friends he could probably crash with for a bit, at least until Liz and the current boyfriend were done, which given Liz’s track record, probably wouldn’t take very long. He knew she’d take him back then. Hell, she’d probably come looking for him at that point. She hated being alone, and once she got past the initial stage of blaming him for the breakup, she liked having him around more than being by herself until the next guy came along. He really wanted to go back to Luke’s and get his stuff though. Get a warm shower and a change of clothes before getting on a bus for three hours. If there were even buses running this late at night. He needed to stop by the bus station and check the schedule. If he needed to sleep on a park bench or something to wait for a bus the next morning, he’d really need warm, dry clothes. He was already starting to shiver a little and he could imagine it got a lot colder overnight. He didn’t want to end up with pneumonia because he was too scared to face Luke. He knew he’d warn out his welcome, but maybe if he explained to Luke that he only wanted to grab his stuff so he could go, Luke would be cool about it and let him. Jess shivered against the cold as he climbed down from his rock and started back toward the diner.

Luke had just set down two plates of food in front of customers when he heard the bell over the door ring. His head jerked up toward the door as it had every time it had opened in the past few hours. Once again he was disappointed as he watched a couple walk in and sit at a table. It was now a little after eight o’clock. It was dark and cold out. There were only a handful of customers in the diner. He knew he needed to go out and look for Jess. Ceasar could handle things here and close up. He should have gone looking for the boy hours ago when he didn’t come home. Luke had told himself he was giving them both time to cool down, but he knew at this point that he was just delaying facing Jess after what happened. He wasn’t proud of what he’d done, and he didn’t know what Jess’ reaction was going to be. Making a decision, he put his order pad and pen down on the counter and called into the kitchen, “Caesar, can you come out front and take an order? I think I need to go look for Jess.” He waited just long enough to hear, “Sure thing, boss,” before heading out the door. He hadn’t made it more than ten steps from the diner when he almost ran into Jess coming around the corner.

“Jess, there you are! Are you all right?” The boy looked pretty miserable. He was hunched forward with his arms crossed over his chest to protect himself from the cold. He was shivering and his normally gelled hair was lying flatter on his head than Luke had ever seen it.  
“Just d-d-dandy,” the sarcastic delivery of Jess’ response was diminished by his chattering teeth when he shivered. “I love a good fully clothed October swim. Doesn’t everyone?” 

“Oh, God, Jess! Let’s get you inside and out of those wet clothes.” Luke reached a hand out toward the boy’s shoulder to guide him back into the diner, but Jess flinched away before he could make contact. “The last time you t-t-touched me, it didn’t go so well for me.” Jess bit out before walking past Luke and into the diner. He made his way upstairs with Luke following a few steps behind. He was grateful for the heat as soon as he stepped into the apartment. Jess turned to face Luke, “I just wanted to grab my stuff, and maybe take a shower before I left, but, I stopped by the bus station and the next bus to New York isn’t until the morning. Is it ok if I stay here one more night? I’ll stay out of your way, and then I’ll be gone by eight fifteen tomorrow morning.”

“Jeez, Jess…..” Luke looked distraught.

Jess continued on before Luke could get a chance to say no, “I know you don’t want me here, but I don’t have anywhere else to stay tonight.” Jess didn’t want to have to beg the man for a bed for the night, but he knew he would if he had to. He was wet and cold and didn’t have any other options for tonight. “Please. I don’t know what else to do,” he added in the off chance he could move Luke with his desperation.

“Jess, of course you can stay here tonight! You’re living here. You don’t have to leave. I don’t want you to leave. I’m sorry for pushing you in the lake. You were being impossible, and I didn’t know what to do, and I got frustrated.”

Jess had been trying to stay calm, thinking it would be easier to finagle a bed for the night with humility instead of his usual attitude, but Luke’s explanation ignited something in him and he felt a flare of anger. “You ‘didn’t know what to do’ and ‘got frustrated’ so you pushed me in a lake? Seriously? Is violence how you normally deal with uncertainty and frustration?”

“What? Violence…no, Jess! Of course, it’s not! I’m sorry. Honestly. It was wrong of me. I just kind of lost it for a minute there. That’s all.”

Jess could feel his self-control starting to ebb away from him like a receding tide. “Oh, I see. You ‘just kind of lost it’, huh? That’s all?” Jess pretended to muse. “Gee, ok, so what happens next time you ‘just kind of lose it’ and there’s no lake within pushing distance? Do I just get hit? Because, you know, when you ‘just kind of lose it’ you need an outlet for your frustration and all?” Jess could feel himself gaining momentum.

“No, of course not, Jess!” Luke felt his own voice rising, and he could feel that he was quickly losing control of this conversation. “I would never hit you! Ever! That’s not me, I promise!”

“So, what exactly do I have to look forward to the next time you ‘just kind of lose it’?” 

“Nothing, I won’t lose it like that again, I swear!” Luke was almost yelling now in his effort to defend himself. 

“Really? Cause you seem a little worked up right now, Luke?” Jess snaps, his anger taking on a life of its own, barreling along like a freight train. “You sure you don’t want me to get you a belt or something? A yardstick? Maybe a dog leash? What’s your pleasure?” 

“Jess, don’t say that. I would never hurt you like that.”

“No? Physical attacks not your thing? You’re more into public humiliation, huh? Want to take me outside and tell me how worthless I am in front of the neighbors?” Jess’ tone has shifted past sarcastic to hateful. “Did you know that people saw you knock me into the lake? Now I get to be the kid who no one gives a shit about, not even his family. Again. Just like at home. Cause it wasn’t going to be enough fun for me to try to fit in here without that, right?”

“Jess, I didn’t mean to humiliate you. I wasn’t thinking. I just didn’t think!”

“Right, of course, because you ‘just kind of lost it.’ Can’t think when you’re in the process of ‘just kind of losing it,’ right? Anything you do in that state of mind totally can’t be your fault, right? It must be my fault for being so damn frustrating in the first place!”

“I’m not saying that, Jess. Of course it’s my fault and I’m sorry. I should have thought about what I was doing! I will never do anything like that again! I really do want you to stay here.” 

“Oh, c’mon, drop the act! I’ve been pushing your buttons since I got here. Don’t deny it! I bet you’d love the chance to smack me around.” There is a frightening amount of venom is Jess’ voice now that Luke can tell goes way beyond this conversation. “Don’t you want to teach me a lesson? Put that stupid kid in his place! Make me learn some respect! Wouldn’t you like that?” Jess has kept half a room’s distance between them, but to Luke it felt like he was right up in his space, backing him into a corner.

Luke took a step back from his nephew, his hands raised, palms out in surrender, trying to gain some control of the situation. “No, Jess! I don’t want to hit you, please stop this.”

“I think you’d like it!” Jess spit out. “I think kicking my ass would be a lot more satisfying that pushing me into a lake! Lots of Liz’s boyfriends found it highly satisfying, if the smiles on their faces while they were whaling away on me were anything to go by, that is!”

“I’m so sorry, Jess.” Luke felt so lost and didn’t know what else to say. Lorelai was right. He wasn’t equipped to handle a kid, especially not this kid who’s got so much baggage. He didn’t know what he was thinking taking this on. “I’m sorry.” He repeated. “I’m so sorry.” He was sorry. For pushing Jess and for all the pushing Jess had to tolerate from the men who came before him. Luke lowered himself to sit on the arm of the couch and raised a hand to his head. He couldn’t do this. He wasn’t capable. He’d made everything worse. Maybe Jess would be better off just going back to New York.

Jess looked at his uncle and really saw him then. The man looked distraught, a mix between concerned, scared and maybe, actually genuinely sorry. He felt whatever had been set off inside himself start to wane. He was trembling slightly, but he no longer felt like he was about to blow. He just felt tired and empty. He realized he still needed to get out of his wet clothes. 

“So, uh, can I take a shower?” 

Luke looked toward Jess, confused, but relieved at the boy’s neutral tone. “Yeah……of course,” Luke responded hesitantly, as though he was worried about falling into a trap. “Are you hungry? I can, uh, make you something for dinner while you’re in the shower if you want.”

“Thanks.” Jess dug a change of clothes out of his bag by the inflatable bed and went into the bathroom without another word. As soon as he shut the door behind him, he started to tear up. He hadn’t planned on attacking Luke like that and he felt spent and overwhelmed by the residual emotion it had stirred inside him. He’d basically called his uncle an abusive jerk and still the man was letting him use his shower and making him dinner. He wasn’t sure what to make of this and kept turning the situation over in his mind. Maybe he’d read Luke wrong. If Luke still wanted him to stay, maybe it was worth giving him a second chance. He could try to give him a lot less attitude and see how things worked out then. It felt so impossible to not feel like an idiot for holding out hope, but the reality of his situation was that he didn’t really have any better options. And hope felt pretty good.


	2. The Lake Part II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Direct sequel to Chapter 1. Because I just couldn't leave this on such a sad note....

By the time Luke heard the bathroom door open almost twenty minutes later, he’d heated up a can of tomato soup and grilled a cheese sandwich for Jess’ dinner, made two cups of chamomile tea, and was sitting at the table sipping his own tea across from where he’d set the boy’s meal. Luke was relieved to see that his nephew was wearing a pair of pajama pants and the long sleeve tee shirt he’d been sleeping in since he’d arrived. A part of him had been worried that the boy would change his mind about staying and try to take off after he got out of the shower and into clean, dry clothes. When Jess had announced his intention to return to New York, Luke had been surprised to realize how much he wanted the boy to stay. Even though his nephew’s attitude had been driving him crazy from the get-go, they were crammed into a one room apartment without enough space for two or any real privacy, and the boy was apparently into petty theft, the threat of returning to the solitary domestic routine that he had been living only a week ago had hit Luke hard. He didn’t have much in the way of family. Really just Liz, who wasn’t great at staying in touch, and couldn’t really be counted on for much. And he’d been living a lonely life for a long time. When Liz had called to ask him to take Jess in, he had been pissed that she was dumping her problems with her son onto him with no regard for how it would upset his life, but later that night, when he’d gotten over his initial anger, the idea of getting to know his only other living relative had started to grow on him. He’d let himself imagine the relationship he could have with his nephew. He’d pictured himself keeping Jess on the straight and narrow and helping him get through school. Watching baseball games on television together, throwing a ball around outside if Jess was into that, Jess doing his homework at the kitchen table while Luke made dinner, maybe even working on his dad’s boat and finally finishing it together, Luke giving Jess sage advice about girls and life, and just basically stepping in as the father figure Jess had never had. Luke knew deep down it was ridiculous. He had never been very good with connecting with people or building relationships, and he had no real reason to believe that he would be any different in this situation. He couldn’t really expect a genetic connection to make up for his poor ability to communicate, his tendency to shut down when he felt cornered, his temper, or any of the myriad other flaws that had been pointed out to him over the years. Having Jess around was harder than he had anticipated, and the more time he spent with him, the more difficult it was to reconcile the possibility of the images he’d entertained in his head with the angry, sullen teenager living in his house. But, still, he wasn’t ready to give up hope just yet.

“Jess, I made you grilled cheese and tomato soup. You like that, right?” Luke asked, hoping that Jess was over their earlier confrontation. Luke took it as a good sign that the boy’s expression and body language no longer looked hostile or tense as he approached the table.

“Yeah, that sounds good.” Jess responded with a slight upturn of the corners of his mouth as he sat down in the chair opposite Luke. “Thanks for doing this.” Jess nodded toward the food. Luke was relieved to see that while the Jess that had emerged from the shower was a calmer, more subdued version of the one that had gone in, he hadn’t completely reverted back to the monosyllabic punk he’d been when he’d arrived a few days ago. Maybe they were making progress.

“Is tea ok? I thought it might help warm you up if you’re still cold. But, there’s orange juice and cranberry juice if you’d rather have that. Or water, of course.” 

“Tea’s fine. Thanks.” As if to prove it, Jess cupped both hands around the warm mug and took a slow sip before digging in to the soup and sandwich. 

“Are you warm enough? I turned the heat up while you were in the shower. But, if you’re still cold, I can crank it up more. Or, do you want to borrow a sweat shirt, or something warmer?” Luke had felt guilty when Jess had returned to the diner shivering from his encounter with the lake, and wanted to do what he could to make it up to his nephew and make him warm and comfortable. Liz still hadn’t shipped the rest of Jess’ things, and it seemed that the only warm clothes the boy had brought with him was his leather jacket.

Jess paused between spoonfuls of soup. He did still feel a chill deep down, but it was the kind of internal chill that lingers even after the physical cold has gone away. The kind linked more to feeling vulnerable than to temperature. And, he could already feel the sensation lessening from the comforting effects of the warm meal and Luke’s obvious concern. “I’m good. I took a pretty hot shower. That helped. But, thanks.”

“And, you’re feeling ok? You were wet and cold for a few hours. That lowers your resistance to getting sick. And you’re probably surrounded by germs all day at school already, being around all those kids. That’s a really good combination for getting sick. I’d hate for you to come down with a cold, or pneumonia or something.”

“I think I’m ok.” Jess held back an eyeroll. He had never known anyone who worried like Luke does. At least not about him. He had to wonder, in this case, if the worry was genuine or if guilt was making his uncle overcompensate with concern. “If I start to feel a bout of pneumonia coming on, you’ll be the first to know.” Jess hoped that hadn’t come off as sarcastic. He was trying, but he just didn’t have a whole lot of experience in speaking to adults without attitude. Answering his uncle’s questions honestly and respectfully wasn’t something that came naturally.

“All right. Maybe you should stay home tomorrow and rest, anyway. Just to be safe. I can call you in sick.”

“I’m not going to turn down that offer.” Jess responded with a small smile. “Thanks.” 

Luke was starting to feel disconcerted. He was pretty sure that Jess had now thanked him more times during this conversation than he had in the entire time he’d been staying with him. He wondered if this was just how Jess normally behaved when he wasn’t pissed and trying to push someone away. Maybe the boy actually had manners under all the attitude he’d been hiding behind for the past few days. But, it felt a little off to Luke. A little Stepford-like. He wanted to make sure it wasn’t because Jess was afraid of him. “Jess, I want you to know that I really am sorry about earlier.” Luke knew he needed to watch his words this time around. The last thing he wanted was to set Jess off again and end up in a repeat of their last conversation. “What I did was wrong and I won’t do anything that stupid again.”

Jess’ eyes briefly flickered up to meet Luke’s before returning to his soup. His uncle looked serious, and sincere, and maybe a little nervous. He stirred his soup thoughtfully. “Ok….um….thanks. I….uh….it’s possible I may have over-reacted a little.” Jess wanted to say he was sorry, too. For going off on Luke the way he had about pushing him in to the lake, but also, for all the attitude and yelling that had preceded the push. But, he couldn’t make the words come out. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d apologized to an adult, or trusted one enough to have wanted to. He hoped Luke could tell what he meant. “I…..didn’t mean to yell at you like that. I guess I kind of lost it a little bit, too.” Jess forced his expression into a conciliatory smile, “Must run in the family.”

Luke relaxed a little at Jess’ words. He had been worried that Jess would hold it against him, and maybe even hate him. For being rough with him, but even more so for trying and failing so badly to rationalize his actions afterwards. He was afraid that Jess would lump him in with all the other men who’d hurt him in the past, and that once he was categorized in such a way, there would be no hope of a real relationship with his nephew even if the boy did stay in Stars Hollow. They both had so little family to start with. He wasn’t about to squander this opportunity to form a relationship with Jess. “What do you think about us both trying to put today behind us and start fresh?” 

Jess nodded slowly, looking up from his soup. “Sure. I think we can do that.”

“I really am glad you’re here, Jess. I would never want you to think that I don’t want you here.”

Jess nodded again, without making eye contact this time. He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say to that. That he wanted to be here, too? He didn’t. He wanted to be back in New York hanging out with his friends and going to his old school, but with a mother who actually gave a damn about him, or with a father who hadn’t abandoned him when he was three days old. This, here with Luke, was what he was settling for. He didn’t want to hurt Luke’s feelings, but he couldn’t honestly say he was glad to be here. Not now. Maybe someday……

Luke seemed to get it and moved on to safer topics, “So, how was your day at school today?”


	3. Holiday Plans

The diner was closed for the night. Luke had just finished cleaning the grill and walked back out into the empty dining room where Jess was sweeping up. Luke knew he’d been putting off this conversation long enough. He’d been thinking about how to handle it since his call with Liz that morning, and he knew this wouldn’t get any less awkward by waiting longer. If anything, it would give him time to over think and doubt his decision. And he didn’t want to do that. He really felt like his chosen course of action was the best way to do right by his nephew in this situation. He needed to get it over with before he lost his resolve.

“Hey, Jess,” Luke called to his nephew from behind the counter. “Can you come over here and sit down for a sec? I need to talk to you.”

Jess didn’t like the sound of that. Adults wanting to talk was never a good thing in Jess’ experience. Plus, he’d gotten into a fight with Chuck Presby after school. It hadn’t been on school property and that Forester kid had broken it up pretty quickly. Between the incident with the lake and this, that guy always seemed to be around to catch Jess at his best. That was the problem with living in this tiny little fishbowl of a town. Too many witnesses to everything you did. Some adult must have seen the fight and, under the guise of concern, ratted him out to Luke. And he knew Luke would make it out to be a bigger deal than it was.

Jess put down the broom, walked over to the counter and took a seat on the stool opposite Luke. He really wasn’t in the mood for a lecture or to have to defend his behavior, so he decided to take the lead and try to distract his uncle before he got the chance to start in on Jess’ fighting. He had discovered that distraction was often an effective tool in getting out of awkward conversations with Luke. “If this is about Taylor complaining about my customer service skills again, he deserved what he got. He was being a jerk!”

“What?” Luke asked, clearly caught off guard. “What happened with Taylor?”

“That guy has had it in for me since I got here,” Jess continued on. “Seriously! You steal a guy’s bridge fund money. Once, just once, mind you! You orchestrate a fake murder outside of his store. Again, once, just once! And he never gets over it!”

Luke sighs. “What did you do to Taylor, Jess?” 

Now that Jess had Luke distracted from the topic of the fight, he figured it couldn’t hurt to throw in a little deflection. “I have to say, I feel like you’re kind of being a hypocrite about this, Luke. And I’m a little hurt.” Jess put on his best shocked and hurt face and placed a hand over his heart. “You are way more, may I emphasize waaaaay more, disrespectful to Taylor than I am. Maybe you should think about that before you put all the blame on me for the current situation.”

“What are you talking about! I don’t even know what the situation is!” As was often the case when he spoke to his nephew, Luke found himself quickly losing control of the conversation. 

“I’m talking about you always ridiculing Taylor and putting down his plans to improve this lovely town of ours, going so far as to kick him out of the diner, and just the general level of disrespect that you show one of the town elders on a regular basis, Uncle Luke.” Jess knew he was laying it on thick now, but he was enjoying the perplexed look on his uncle’s face too much to stop himself. “I don’t really feel comfortable pointing fingers, but, gee, I don’t think it would be a stretch to say that I learned my poor attitude toward Taylor from watching you, Uncle Luke.” Jess gave Luke a disappointed look and shook his head slowly at his uncle. 

“This isn’t about Taylor, Jess!” Luke was almost yelling now. Luke could feel his head starting to swim. Between Jess and Lorelai, he sometimes felt like it was everyone’s goal in life to make him lose his mind. He needed to stop this and get back on track. “Can you please just listen to me for a minute?”

Jess nodded. While he was often able to distract Luke from having conversations he didn’t want to have, it was only ever a temporary fix. Normally Luke would catch on later that same day or maybe the next and bring up the topic again with more resolve. Apparently Jess’ fighting was a serious enough issue to his uncle that he couldn’t be swayed from discussing it, and they were going to have this out right now. Jess felt the nervous uptick in heartbeat he always experienced when Luke got angry with him and he felt cornered. It was a conditioned fear response that had developed over years of dealing with Liz’s boyfriends and husbands. Jess had come to trust his uncle enough over the past couple of months of living with him to know that Luke would treat him fairly and wouldn’t be overly aggressive with him. Luke was prone to ranting and raising his voice to communicate his displeasure with his nephew, but the incident at the lake had been the first and last time he had put a hand on Jess’ person when he was angry. Although, logically, the boy knew he could just expect a long, awkward, tedious lecture, his body was still warning him to prepare for fight or flight. “Sorry,” Jess gave in. “I’m listening. But, first, I just want to tell you that he started it. I was just reacting.”

“Jess, I told you this wasn’t about Taylor!” Luke was starting to get annoyed. And the small smirk that was forming on Jess’ face wasn’t helping him to stay calm. He wondered why it was always so hard for him to have a conversation with this kid. “Please just be quiet and let me speak.”

Jess nodded wordlessly, and Luke paused to collect his thoughts. He’d walked out of the kitchen with a plan for this conversation, but, as usual, Jess had talked him in circles and thrown him off. Luke took a breath and started in, “So, your mom called today…..” As much as Luke was sure he was doing the right thing to spare Jess unnecessary pain, the first lie out of his mouth already felt awkward. 

“She did, did she? And what did dear ol’ Liz want?” Jess was staring at Luke intently, trying to read his face. Between the mention of Liz and how uncomfortable his uncle looked, he wasn’t expecting anything good, and he tried to school his features into a blank expression to hide any hurt that might be headed his way.

“Well, uh….she was wondering if since school is out for two weeks for Christmas break, if you would want to go back to New York to stay with her.” Luke tried to gage Jess’ reaction, but couldn’t tell what the boy was thinking from his expression. He rushed on before Jess could get too excited about the prospect of spending the holiday with his mother. He hadn’t intended to present the idea as a viable option. “But, I said….I told her that I didn’t think that was a good idea. That you’d just gotten settled in here. And that I thought you should stay here with me for your break.”

“So, Liz wanted me to go home?” Jess questioned as he watched Luke fidget nervously now that he’d gotten his message out. Luke was a pretty awkward guy a lot of the time, but Jess had never seen his uncle look as uncomfortable as he did during this conversation. Unless something worse was coming, Jess suspected Luke’s discomfort was due to him not being honest with his nephew. 

“Yes. Yes, she did.” Luke responded. 

“So, she wanted to see me. And you didn’t know if I wanted to see her. But you took it upon yourself to keep a mother and her child apart at Christmas. That’s what happened?” Jess deliberately recapped the situation to point out the ridiculousness of the lie, without actually calling his uncle on lying. “And Liz accepted that?”

“Uh….I guess,” Luke stammered. “If you want to look at it like that.” He hadn’t thought to worry about whether Jess would think he’d overstepped his bounds by not letting him return home in this version of events. Maybe the boy really wanted to see his mother and would resent Luke for supposedly butting in and keeping them apart. He had just wanted to protect Jess from feeling rejected by his mother. It had to be less painful for the boy to feel like he had a controlling jerk for an uncle as opposed to a mother who didn’t want to see him at Christmas. “And yeah, she agreed with me by the end of our conversation that you should just stay here. I told her that you’re doing good here, and you’ve got a routine. You’re helping me in the diner. And school breaks are always a busy time.…” Luke could feel himself starting to fidget under his nephew’s stare and he racked his brain for more to say to fill the awkward silence. “Uh, I pointed out what a great experience it is being in Stars Hollow for the holidays. There are all these town events, like the tree lighting ceremony, and the reenactment of the nativity story. They put up this giant tree in the town square and decorate it, and hang lights everywhere. It’s really nice. Your mom says she really misses Christmas here and she agreed that you should get to have that experience.” It still made Luke angry that that had been Liz’s primary rationalization for not wanting to spend Christmas with her son when Luke had called her that morning to check on her holiday plans for Jess. But, Stars Hollow is such a perfect place to spend Christmas, Luke! It’s so quaint and picturesque with the huge tree and all the Christmas lights in the town square. It’s practically a Normal Rockwell painting, Luke! I don’t want to make Jess miss out on that just to have him here with me. You get what I’m saying, right, big brother? “She’ll miss you, Jess. But, I thought this was for the best. For you. And, she agreed.”

“So, Liz selflessly gave in to your demand to keep me here for the holidays because you convinced her that it’s in my best interest to watch a giant tree get lit up and to sit through a reenactment of the nativity story in which I can only assume that Kirk plays either the Virgin Mary or the baby Jesus himself?”

Luke smiled at that, and nodded. “Uh, yeah. That’s about it.”

“You do know we have a pretty giant Christmas tree of our own back in New York, right? In a little place called Rockefeller Center. You may have heard of it.”

“I know that, smart ass. I just thought you should have the small town Christmas experience. Plus, I feel like you’re finally settled in and I didn’t want to uproot you for a couple of weeks. And there’s all those hours on the bus, back and forth. And I already bought your presents and stuff…….” Luke trailed off. He was a little embarrassed at how much he had been looking forward to the prospect of having his nephew with him for the holidays. He hadn’t had family to spend Christmas with in a long time, not since his dad has passed away, and he’d spent the last couple of weeks buying Jess presents and making mental plans before it had dawned on him that he should check in with Liz in case she had holiday plans of her own for Jess.

“Huh. You bought me actual presents? Wow, you must think I’ve been a really good boy this year, Uncle Luke!” Jess turned to sarcasm as he usually did when he needed to protect himself. Luke was a terrible liar. Jess knew his uncle was only lying to spare his feelings, but he couldn’t listen to it any more. Listening to his uncle lying for his benefit was painful in its own way, though he couldn’t really wrap his mind around why.

“Cut it out, Jess.” 

“Gee, all I was expecting was a lump of coal in my stocking. And, as long as you weren’t planning on beating me with it Full Metal Jacket style, I was ready to chalk this Christmas up as a win!”

“Knock it off, Jess.” Luke warned. “Anyway, I just thought it made more sense to keep you here with me. I think it’s for the best. And, like I said, I got your mom to agree with me.”

“I’ll bet you did.” 

“So……ok……it’s settled, right? You’ll stay here for Christmas?” Luke asked hesitantly.

Jess shrugged. “You’re the boss.” 

“But you’re ok with it?”

“I think I am.” 

“Good! That’s good. Then everything’s worked out.” Luke let himself indulge in a self-satisfied smile as he mentally patted himself on the back for handling this situation so well. His nephew couldn’t be hurt by what he didn’t know. And he would make sure to make this a good Christmas for Jess.

Jess made a show of yawning and stretching as he got up from the stool. “Well, I’m pretty beat. Is it ok if I head up to bed now? Everything is pretty much done down here, anyway.”

“Yeah, you go ahead, Jess. I’m just going to finish up a few things and then I’m going to head up, too.”

Jess kept the smile off his face until he had turned away from his uncle to head up the stairs. He considered the conversation a success since there hadn’t been any discussion of his fight with Chuck Presby, and he was also relieved to know he was staying put for the time being. He didn’t feel ready to see Liz yet. He wouldn’t have told Luke that if his uncle had wanted to ship him off for the holidays. He would have understood if Luke had needed a break, and he would have packed a bag and headed back to the city without complaint. But it definitely  
felt good to know that that wasn’t the case. Jess was surprised at how good it made him feel to know that Luke wanted him around. He wasn’t sure when his uncle’s feelings had started to matter to him, but he could no longer deny that they did. As he washed up and got ready for bed, he debated whether he should tell his uncle that he was on to him. Luke wasn’t a liar by nature and Jess didn’t want the lies he told to cause his uncle any stress. He thought Luke might welcome the chance to come clean if he knew that Jess was fine with Liz not wanting him around. But then he thought about how pleased with himself Luke had looked when he thought Jess had bought into his story. It seemed almost mean to burst his bubble. It would be like telling a little kid there was no Santa. Jess still couldn’t get over the fact that Luke had bought him presents. It was one thing to let him stay during the holidays, but it was another thing entirely for Luke to actually want to celebrate Christmas with him, with presents and everything. As Jess drifted off to sleep, he let his mind wander to potential present ideas for Luke. He needed to come up with something good enough to thank Luke for making him feel wanted and to show him that he was appreciated because he didn’t think he would be capable of actually verbalizing either sentiment anytime soon.


	4. Sometimes Family is Hard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jess is in town to meet his new half-sister.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story jumps ahead to when Jess is 22. I may go back and write some earlier scenes, but right now, this was the story I couldn't get out of my head.

Jess sat in his car outside Liz and TJ’s house late Saturday morning trying to work up the nerve to actually go in. Meeting his new half-sister had been the main reason for his trip to Stars Hollow, but that had seemed like a much better idea when he was still in Philadelphia. Now he wasn’t sure he could do it. Wasn’t sure why he was even bothering. He had gotten past the worst of his adolescent anger toward Liz, but interacting with her still left him feeling bad most times. She was too closely linked to all the childhood insecurities he thought he had successfully buried, and being in her presence brought them all bubbling to the surface triggering his regression into a hostile and anxious version of himself that he didn’t like very much. Being around his own mother and feeling a disconnect in place of what should have been one of the strongest bonds in his life always exacerbated his normal feelings of loneliness and inadequacy and made him question his ability to have meaningful relationships. His life was easier to manage when he avoided Liz and tried to put her and his childhood out of his mind. Even though he was dreading this visit, he knew he was going to put himself through it anyway. Luke had been bugging him to get out here for a visit since Doula had been born six months ago, and he wanted to keep his uncle happy with him. He didn’t like feeling like he was disappointing the man every time he gave him another excuse on the phone as to why he couldn’t make it to Stars Hollow. But now, going in and meeting Liz’s new child, the one she seemed willing to actually attempt to be a decent mother to, felt too difficult. Jess knew it was ridiculous to feel jealousy toward a baby, but he couldn’t help feeling that this was just the latest little girl to replace him. At this point, everyone who’d ever parented him, either biologically or emotionally, had a daughter, or daughter-type person, in their lives that took priority over him. Jimmy had Lilly, Luke had April and now Liz had Doula. In fairness, he recognized that Luke had tried to be a good parent to him long before April had entered his life, but it seemed like both Jimmy and Liz hadn’t had their parental instincts triggered until Lilly and Doula came along. As if for some reason, Jess’s birth hadn’t been enough and he himself hadn’t been worth the effort. He sighed. Dwelling on this stuff never led to anywhere good. He knew he needed to get this over with. He had spent the previous night at Luke’s so it’s not like he could just slip out of town without meeting Doula. Luke would find out and be disappointed, and he didn’t think he’d accept his excuse that it was just too hard. As much as Jess knew Luke was on his side in most things Liz-related, he realized Luke was very taken with the prospect of having his sister cleaned up and back in Stars Hollow. Jess didn’t believe that Liz deserved to get a second chance at having a family, but he thought his uncle did. He knew Luke wanted them to be one big happy family and Jess didn’t want to let him down by being the only one who wouldn’t make the effort to get along. He took a deep breath, grabbed the wrapped copy of The Velveteen Rabbit off the passenger’s seat and got out of the car. 

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By the time Jess returned from Liz and TJ’s, the diner was empty for the mid-afternoon lull. Luke was just hanging up the phone when Jess walked in. “Hey, Jess,” he smiled at his nephew, dumped the plate he’d been holding in the bus tray and walked over to face Jess from behind the counter. “How’d it go at Liz and TJ’s? Doula’s pretty incredible, isn’t she?” Picking up Jess’ irritation over the years at hearing Liz referred to as his mother, Luke had learned to only call his sister Liz when talking to his nephew. 

“It was fine.” Jess answered as he sat down on a stool at the counter. “Yes, Doula is pretty incredible. TJ is still an idiot. And Liz is still……Liz. It was fine…..” Luke frowned slightly as Jess trailed off. Jess knew Luke would think he had gone too far by calling TJ an idiot, but he couldn’t help himself. The man had made two references to how excited they were to be ‘starting a family’ during Jess’ short visit. Right to Jess’ face. As though Liz hadn’t already started a family twenty-two years ago. As though he wasn’t Liz’s own son. He made a mental note to limit what he said to Luke to only positive things. Yes, Doula is cute. Yes, he can see the Danes family resemblance, blah, blah, blah. He needed to focus on those things. The last thing he wanted was to be edged out of Luke’s life for being the proverbial fly in the ointment of his uncle’s happy family. If he made too many excuses to not visit, if he was too negative when he was around, if he mocked Liz and TJ too much, he worried Luke might reach the point where he stopped calling him and inviting him to visit. He could picture that happening, and what scared him was that he wasn’t sure he could do better, and he’d actually understand if Luke got tired of dealing with all his negative crap. God knows his uncle had already put up with more than his fair share from him in the past, and he knew he should be over his crappy teenage attitude at this point. And, normally, he felt like he was.

“You take any pictures on your phone while you were there?” Luke asked. Jess seemed a little down. He knew visiting Liz and her new family wouldn’t be easy for Jess. He had been hoping it would go better than either of them had expected, but judging from Jess’ demeanor it didn’t seem like it had, and that left Luke feeling a little guilty about badgering his nephew into visiting. He loved his sister and honestly believed that she wanted to be a better mother to Doula and to Jess, but he knew she could be thoughtless and self-absorbed and that she wasn’t always careful of Jess’ feelings.

“No, but I don’t think Doula’s grown that much since you last saw her two days ago. I’m pretty sure you’d still recognize her if you passed her on the street.”

“I know that, Wise-ass. I wanted a picture of the two of you together. Did Liz take a picture of you holding Doula? I’ll get her to give me a copy.”

“Well, it looks like Liz let you down, too.” Jess feigned disappointment. “Unfortunately, no pictures were taken at the Danes, Mariano, whatever the hell TJ’s last name is, family reunion today. Sorry, better luck next time.” Luke frowned again. Jess didn’t know what was worse, Luke’s surprise that Liz didn’t care about having a picture of her two children together, or his own complete lack thereof. There were very few pictures from Jess’ own childhood, so he had history on his side. Luke’s naivete toward his sister’s intentions always felt sadder somehow to Jess than his own cynicism. It was a reminder to Jess that Liz was still capable of hurting her brother in a way she could no longer hurt him because Luke still had expectations of her. 

“That’s all right, Nephew,” Luke was smiling again. “I’ll get one the next time you two are together. So, is there anything else you want to do while you’re in town? It’s pretty dead right now so I can leave Caesar on his own, if you want to do something. And Lane is coming in to help cover the dinner rush.” “Or, if you have other plans that’s fine, too……” Luke added, not wanting to presume how much time the boy would want to spend with him.

Jess smirked. “Gee, sorry, Uncle Luke, my weekend is booked solid what with catching up with all the swell friends I made while I was serving my sentence at Stars Hollow High and all. Maybe I can fit you in between the pick-up softball game and the sock hop.”

“Are you ever going to outgrow being an annoying smart-ass?”

Jess laughed and paused. “I honestly don’t go through life like this anymore, but being around you just brings it out in me.” Jess shrugged. “I don’t know what to tell you.” He really didn’t hide behind sarcasm as much as he used to. Not in his regular day to day life. But, it was still his go to method of defense with Luke. He wondered why it was easier to make a joke than to admit he wanted to spend time with his uncle. “I actually need to run to Walmart and stock up on some stuff for my apartment. Once I’m back in Philly, everything’s more expensive and I have to drive pretty far out of the city to find a Walmart. We could go do that if you want?”

“Sure,” Luke smiled at the offer. “Oh, hey! Have you ever been to a store called Target? April took me to one and it was really fun. We got all kinds of stuff for the apartment. She says it’s way better than Walmart.” 

“Jeez, Luke,” Jess chuckled, “You really need to get out of Stars Hollow more. Yes, I’ve been to Target. I agree that it’s better than Walmart, but it’s not as cheap. And cheap is what I’m going for right now.”

“I’d be happy to buy you whatever you need at Target.”

“Stop.”

“I’m serious, Jess, I’d-“

“Luke!” Jess cut him off, putting on his best stern face for emphasis. “Thank you, but totally unnecessary. I don’t need you buying my toilet paper. I’m actually a grown-up now with a real job and everything. Seriously.”

“All right, have it your way. I was just offering.”

“Maybe we can grab food somewhere, too. I’m starving. I’ll even let you treat me to lunch if it’ll make you happy. Because I’m a giver like that.”

“Liz didn’t feed you? You want me to make you something before we go?”

“No, thanks. No offense, but I’m kind of craving this little Mexican place near Walmart. I used to go there a lot when I worked there. Is that cool with you?”

“Sure. That sounds good. Let me just go upstairs and wash up a little first.” Luke started towards the stairs then turned back. “Oh, I almost forgot! Have you seen a grape LipSmacker anywhere? It’s like a chapstick, but it’s purple and it’s supposed to taste like grapes or something……I don’t know. It’s a big deal with April and her friends. April called right before you came in and said she thought she forgot it when she was here earlier. I want to look for it and put it away for her before it gets lost. As soon as I find it, we’ll go, ok?” Luke bent down and started looking on the shelves behind the counter.

“April was here earlier?”

“Yeah, while you were at Liz and TJ’s. She helps me out in the diner for the Saturday lunch rush sometimes.”

“She’s like twelve! You do know there are child labor laws in this country, right?

“It’s not like I have her grilling burgers or waiting tables or anything. She just refills salt and pepper shakers and ketchup bottles and organizes the silverware, stuff like that. Mostly she just hangs out and talks to people or reads a book. You know, kinda like you used to do except you were actually on the clock.” Luke smirked at Jess. “Anyway, she seems to like it.”

“She likes hanging around in a diner refilling condiment containers and organizing silverware in her free time? Well, I bet that paternity test just seems superfluous now, huh?”

Luke laughed. “I think it’s more just a chance for us to spend time together, you know, without the pressure of having to go do something. It was awkward getting to know each other at the beginning, and her helping out here or even just hanging around while I worked gave us something to do without having to make a plan every time we saw each other. And it just kind of stuck as part of our routine.” Luke shrugged, “And, like I said, she seems to think it’s fun.” 

Jess got up from his stool and starting walking around the dining room, his eyes tracking the floor for the missing lip balm. He started off hesitantly, “I didn’t realize April would be around this weekend. I could have headed back to Philly after I was done at Liz’s.”

Luke stopped searching the shelves and stood up behind the counter to look at Jess. “What are you talkin’ about? April’s around every weekend. She lives a bike ride away. Why would you head back to Philly early because April’s around?”

Jess kept his eyes trained on the floor as he checked under the tables. “I don’t want to be in the way if you want to spend time with April today. That’s all I’m saying. I understand if you do.” 

Luke paused to collect his thoughts. “You’re not in the way of anything.” Jess didn’t respond. Luke knew the boy was always more sensitive after spending time with his mother. Luke kept hoping that their mother/son dynamic would improve as Jess grew up, but he was beginning to think that the state of their relationship hinged more on Liz’s maturity level than on Jess’, and that might make salvaging it more difficult. Luke made himself return to looking for the lip balm as he started to speak again, knowing Jess was more comfortable in certain conversations when he didn’t feel like he was being watched. “I did spend time with April today. Now, I’m spending time with you. I know you’re going to think that I don’t get out enough, but getting to see my two favorite people in the same day is pretty exciting stuff for me.” Still nothing from Jess who was now squatting down with his back to Luke examining the floor beneath a table, so Luke went on. “The only thing that would be more exciting for me would be to see my two favorite people at the same time. I was thinking…….I’d, uh, like for us to have a family dinner tomorrow night before you head back to Philly. Would you be all right with that?” Luke tried to make the suggestion sound casual.

Jess stood up and turned around to face Luke with a scowl on his face. “Are you kidding me? This is bullshit! If I knew you were going to try to make me see Liz and TJ a second time in one weekend, I would have just skipped this morning! I really don’t want to do that, Luke! Especially not right before I leave. But, whatever. Do what you want! I’ll just leave before dinner if that’s what you want to do. Maybe I’ll just head back today!”

“What? No! I didn’t mean Liz and TJ!” Luke was caught off guard by the intensity of Jess’ reaction. It made him wonder just how badly Jess’ visit with his mom had gone, and if he was doing more harm than good by pushing Jess to spend time with her. “I was thinking just us. You, me and April. I really want you two to get to know each other. I mean….she is your cousin. Probably the only one you’re ever going to have. And she doesn’t have a lot of family either. No brothers or sisters. No cousins. I want you two to know each other. And I think you’ll like each other. And we can do it as early as you need to so that you can get on the road whenever you want…….” Luke was trying not to sound like he was pleading, but he really wanted this to happen. He really needed Jess to be open to getting to know his daughter. The alternative would be too personal a rejection. He had been too nervous to bring this up over the phone when he’d been talking Jess into coming to meet Doula, but now he wished he had. Having Jess decline the invitation in person would be so much harder to take.

“Oh…..sorry….” Jess said quietly, embarrassed by his outburst. He walked over to the counter and placed the Lipsmacker in front of Luke. He’d found it a couple of minutes ago but wanted to keep up the pretense of the search to give him some place to focus his eyes during this conversation. 

Luke looked down at the lip balm. “Oh, uh, thanks for finding this.” 

“No problem. You can give it back to April at dinner tomorrow.”

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Jess was sitting at a table in the diner on Sunday afternoon trying to read a novel that one of his roommates had recently read and recommended to him. Across the table, April was quietly working on her homework. She had come over around three o’clock and they were keeping themselves busy in the sparsely populated diner until it was time to go upstairs for dinner. Luke was technically working, but it seemed like he was at their table every few minutes asking them questions that seemed to get more and more random, did April want another coke, were they feeling too much of a draft from the air vent, would they want to go bowling some time when Jess was in town, or just staring at them from the counter like he was now. Jess looked up from his book, “Seriously, Luke, I can feel you watching me and it’s creeping me out! Why don’t you just take a freaking picture!” 

Luke just smiled broadly, “I was planning to wait until we went upstairs for the official family portrait taking, but I guess I can go grab the camera now if you want.”

“You better be kidding.” Jess scowled, looking back at his book. “I agreed to dinner, nothing more. Taking my picture is not on the table tonight. I’m not even having a good hair day.”

April looked up at Jess and laughed. “You’re right, Dad,” She called to Luke, “He is pretty entertaining when he gets irritated.”

Something ugly shot through Jess for a split second. He had never heard April call Luke ‘dad’ before. He hadn’t been aware she had moved on to that. She had still been calling him ‘Luke’ when Jess had met her at the bookstore. His mind had quickly fixed upon the juxtaposing concepts that April got to call Luke ‘dad’ when Jess had never even been allowed to call him ‘uncle,’ not even when he had been a kid and was living with Luke. He only used the term uncle to address Luke when he was kidding around and being sarcastic. He felt a flash of self-pity at the thought that he didn’t have anyone to call by a family name. Luke had made it clear that he wanted Jess to address him by only his first name right off the bat, and Liz and Jimmy didn’t deserve any other titles as far as Jess was concerned. He knew he was being ridiculous and the adult in him was able to squash his reaction before responding to April with mock irritation, “Please don’t encourage his deluded fantasies that his jokes are actually funny.”

April laughed again. Jess didn’t have a lot of experience interacting with kids and he hadn’t been very comfortable at the idea of sitting with April while Luke worked, but he had made her laugh a few times so far, so he figured he had to be doing ok. He did want her to like him. He knew how important she was to Luke and he wanted to stay on her good side.

“Seriously, Luke, you’re staring again,” Jess pointed out without looking up from his book. “And grinning like a fool. Just so you know.”

“Sorry,” Luke responded without looking sorry at all, “I’m just happy to see my two favorite people together like this.”

“Aww, thanks, Dad. You’re one of my favorite people, too!” April smiled over her shoulder at Luke. 

Jess was again hit with the unfairness of their situations. Jess had gone looking for his absentee father and had found Jimmy, an emotionally stunted mess who barely had his own life together and whose first instinct was to turn Jess away. He could still remember having to beg Jimmy to let him sleep on a spare mattress in his house for a few weeks. April had done the same searching and had ended up with Luke, who had instantly adjusted his life to accommodate her and had actually fought for his right to be her father in court. The idea that life isn’t fair certainly wasn’t new to Jess, and he mentally berated himself for being so sensitive this weekend. He knew he should focus on what he did have. Like the fact that Luke liked him enough to even care about having him meet his daughter. He did appreciate being included as part of Luke’s ‘just us’ when apparently even Liz and TJ didn’t make that cut, but he still couldn’t temper the restless, disgruntled need he was currently feeling to inventory all the ways life had shortchanged him.

Jess noticed April was looking at him with an expectant smile on her face and angling her head in Luke’s direction. He eventually caved, “Ugh.” He sighed, wanting to play along to keep April happy, “You’re not exactly at the bottom of my list either, Luke. In my top twenty or thirty, easily. And most of the people ranked above you are fictional characters or dead writers if that makes you feel any better.” 

“Aww, Jess, stop it before I tear up.”

“Don’t let it go to your head, old man.” Jess called absently as Luke walked away to pick up an order and deliver it to another table.

April leaned across the table with an earnest look on her face that made Jess nervous. “You remind me of the boys in my class,” she whispered, the conversation clearly not meant for Luke’s ears. “When they like a girl, but they feel like they’re too cool to tell her, because they don’t know if she likes them back, and they’re worried about looking stupid. So instead they tease them all the time because it’s easier than admitting they’re in love with them.” She was looking at Jess’ for recognition, but his face was expressionless. “And.…that’s how you are with Luke.”

“You think I’m in love with Luke?” Jess questioned, face still blank. 

April laughed, “No, but I do think you love him but you don’t want to act like it so you tease him and act sarcastic all the time.” April paused, and continued on when Jess didn’t respond. “He loves you so much. And he’s really proud of you. He talks about you all the time. He was really excited for me to meet you again. For more than just the few minutes at the bookstore. He was talking about it all week.”

Jess didn’t know what to say. Of course, Luke would have a daughter that wanted to Dr. Phil the crap out of him the first time they spent any real time together. Part of him wanted to tell her to mind her own damn business, that she didn’t know him and he didn’t need her analyzing his relationship with Luke. But he knew he couldn’t do that. Things were changing. He knew he needed to get along and fit in if he wanted to keep his spot in Luke’s new family dynamic. He tried to think of something funny or charmingly sarcastic to deflect the situation, but came up with nothing, his verbal skills once again deserting him in the face of blunt emotional honesty, just when he needed them most. Not for the first time that weekend, he wished he had just stayed in Philadelphia.

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Later that night after Lane had relieved Luke in the diner, he and Jess and April were upstairs preparing dinner. Jess and April had been tasked with chopping vegetables to accompany the salmon that Luke was working on. Jess and Luke were working at the counter and April was using the table. Jess didn’t think the girl had stopped talking once since they’d started working. Apparently she was quite a talker when she didn’t have homework to keep her busy and she had been assaulting him with a constant barrage of questions for the past half hour.

“Do you like swimming, Jess? Do you know how to swim?”

“Uh, it’s ok and yes, but nothing fancy.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means enough that I like to think I could survive a shipwreck if I had to, but I don’t know the difference between the butterfly and the breaststroke.” Jess responded as he chopped his way through a carrot. 

“I read somewhere that everyone knows how to swim on some level. It’s instinctive for people just like it is for animals, but the people who drown are usually just the people with a mental block or fear who think they can’t swim. Like my dad. Did you know he couldn’t swim and he took lessons from my swim coach?” 

“I did. I heard he was hot for teacher, too.” Jess smirked at Luke.

“Hey, I told you! She asked me out.” Luke defended himself, and laughed at Jess’s incredulous look. “Don’t give me that look! I’ll have you know that I get hit on every once in a while.”

“Jess, how old were you when you went to your first boy girl party?”

“What? Uh, I don’t know. Maybe around fourteen?” In truth Jess doesn’t remember going to any boy girl parties when he was April’s age. He mostly remembers messing around with a couple of girls, but never anywhere as formal as a party, and he didn’t think that would make good conversation. He picked an age older than April in case she was bringing this up because Luke was having a problem with her going.

“I’m going to my first one next weekend. I only got invited because Sonia’s parents made her invite the whole class, but I’m really excited for it anyway.”

“Huh,” Jess didn’t want to look uninterested, but he genuinely didn’t know how to respond to a lot of the things April said.

“Do you play any sports?”

“Not really. I used to play basketball once in a while, but I haven’t in a long time. One of my roommates is really into tennis. He keeps trying to get me to let him teach me to play, but I haven’t gone with him yet.”

“That’s it? What about when you were a kid? Did you play any sports then?”

“Hmm…One summer when I was really little I played on a baseball team.” 

“Really? I didn’t know that.” Luke smiled over at his nephew. 

“Yep. Liz was seeing a guy who had a son my age. He coached his son’s team and thought it would be a good idea for me to play, too.”

“I’m trying to picture you in your little uniform, being a team player.” Luke smiled wider. “Seems to go against everything you believe in. What position did you play?”

“Just outfield. I was the only kid who hadn’t played before and I probably wouldn’t have made it into the lineup at all if Liz hadn’t been dating the coach.”

“I’m sorry I missed that. I bet you were cute. I’m picturing a teeny tiny little you sitting in the grass in right field pulling out a book to read between pitches.” Luke chuckled. “I would have loved to have seen that.”

Jess snorted softly, “Oh, no, definitely no book. Travis would never have stood for that. And he was definitely someone I tried not to piss off.” Jess realized he’d wrecked the mood as he watched the warm smile fade from Luke’s face. Things always got awkward between him and Luke when his childhood came up. He wished he had better stories to tell from that time in his life. He knew Luke blamed himself for not being involved in Jess’ life when he was younger, but he didn’t think he should. He and Liz had been all the way over in New York. And it’s not like having an uncle visit once in a while would have stopped Liz from finding and dating the Travis’s of the world. 

April watched the conversation between her father and her cousin with rapt attention. She knew Jess was important to Luke and she wanted to learn as much about him as she could. When neither of them spoke, she filled the silence. “I read your book, you know.” 

“Oh, yeah? Isn’t that a little mature for you?” Jess really didn’t feel like defending, or even discussing, his writing tonight, not with April, and not with the way he was feeling this weekend.

“That’s what my dad said, but my mom let me order it online. I couldn’t not read it after I learned I’m actually related to a real author. It’s so cool that you wrote a book! How much of it was based on your life and how much was fiction?”

“Oh, some parts were loosely based on things that happened to me, but most of it is pure fiction.”

“Do you ever regret dropping out of high school?”

“Jeez, Luke.” Jess shot Luke an annoyed look. “Is that seriously the first thing you tell people about me?”

“Sorry. April was asking where you went to college and when I said you didn’t go, she had follow up questions.” Luke shrugged. “What was I supposed to say?”

Jess turned to April. “I didn’t exactly choose to drop out. I skipped too many days for them to let me graduate my senior year and I refused to take the year over again. I don’t think about it much anymore, but when I do, yes, I regret it. I don’t recommend not graduating high school. It makes me feel pretty ridiculous when I need to fill out paperwork and I have to check the ‘some high school’ box under education.” Jess sighed and frowned slightly, “Plus, Luke was the most pissed off at me he’s ever been over that. We didn’t speak for a couple of months after.”

“Wow, really? I can’t picture that. You guys not talking for that long. That must have been hard. I can’t imagine going that long without talking to my mom.”

“It wasn’t fun,” Jess agreed. 

Luke was focused on rubbing the minced herbs into the salmon and arranging it on a baking sheet with the chopped vegetables. “It was probably the worst time I’d had since my dad died.” He quietly acknowledged as he put the fish into the oven. 

Jess felt a twinge in his gut at Luke’s admission. That had been one of the worst periods in his life, too, and going back to that time always made him feel awful. He knew he’d screwed himself over, and he always felt like such an ungrateful ass when he thought about how hard that time had been for Luke. All because he couldn’t be bothered to sit through twenty more days of school. He had no more vegetables to cut and nowhere safe to focus his attention. He washed his hands for something to do and before he could think of a way to redirect the conversation, he heard April fill the silence by asking Luke if she should set the table.


	5. Sick Jess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set during Jess' first year with Luke, sometime after the holidays. Jess is sick and Luke takes care of him. Contains vomiting, but I tried not to make it too graphic.

Jess was suddenly jolted into consciousness with the feeling that something was wrong. His stomach was roiling. His tee shirt and sleep pants were drenched in foul-smelling sweat. He sat up in bed and the motion was met with a wave of nausea. His head was spinning. He could tell he was going to throw up and he knew he didn’t have a lot of time. He got out of bed as quickly as he could and hurried to the bathroom. He made it to just inside the door before he started to heave all over the tile floor, the small bath mat and the cover of the toilet that for once it seemed someone had actually bothered to put down. Bypassing the soiled toilet, Jess picked the next best option and went to his knees at the side of the bathtub, rested his head on his folded arms, and waited for round two. His eyes were watering from the exertion of vomiting and he felt dizzy and nauseas. He shivered in his damp clothes. He knew there was more to come. He hated being sick. Hated the out of control feeling of helplessness that always accompanied a bout of throwing up.

“Jess, are you all right?” Luke was maneuvering around the mess on the floor to get to the tub. He crouched next to Jess’ slumped form and rubbed the boy’s back.

Jess groaned softly in response.

“Sorry, stupid question.”

If Jess had the energy, or the confidence that moving his face even just to speak wouldn’t result in another bout of nausea and vomiting, he would have indulged his self-preservation instinct to protect himself at all costs when vulnerable. He would have lashed out aggressively like a wounded animal until his uncle had left him to be sick in solitude. He would have told him to get the hell out. That he didn’t need an audience to his suffering. He would have said something nasty about not needing Luke to hold his hair while he puked, about not needing him at all. He wasn’t some little kid who needed his hand held when he was scared or hurt. He’d been taking care of himself when he was sick for years. Instead, he found himself focusing on Luke’s touch. It felt grounding, amid how out of control his body felt. He could feel some of the tension ease from his shoulders as he let himself be soothed by Luke’s hand rubbing circles on his back. 

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

He must have nodded off with his head on the side of the tub because the next thing he was aware of was Luke helping him to lie down on the couch. 

“Jess,” Luke was trying to get his attention, but focusing felt too difficult. He was so exhausted. And the room was still spinning every time he opened his eyes. He heard something about a bucket next to the couch. A moment later Luke held a cup up to his lips, and he rinsed his mouth and spit into the bucket as ordered while his uncle went on about how stomach acid can rot tooth enamel. Finally, he was allowed to put his head down and everything faded out.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

When Jess woke next, he was lying on his side on the couch covered in one of the quilts that usually lay on his bed, his head resting on a pillow. Luke was sitting on the couch by his head carding a gentle hand through his hair, pausing every so often to gently massage his scalp or neck. He kept his eyes closed and let himself drink in the comfort. He knew it was likely to stop if Luke realized he was awake. And even if Luke didn’t stop on his own, Jess would have to tell him to. The alternative would feel much too awkward. He felt Luke brush the hair off his forehead and push it back. He didn’t normally like to be touched, but what Luke was doing now didn’t exactly suck. Not that he would ever admit that to his uncle. He hadn’t received this kind of physical affection in years, and the instinct to milk the situation embarrassed him. He knew that at seventeen he was too old to be cuddled like this. He tried to convince himself that he was merely tolerating it due to his sick and weakened state. Under regular circumstances, he would never let his uncle have this kind of hands-on contact with him. 

Jess assessed his overall condition. He felt like ass. His throat felt raw and scratchy. His mouth felt disgusting. His stomach was sore. He reeked with the stench of sickness and sweat. But, he had the sensation that if he opened his eyes, the room would no longer be spinning, so that was a plus. He remembered waking up to be sick twice more during the night. Both times Luke had helped him use the bucket so that he didn’t have to get off the couch. It had seemed like the safer option considering the mess he’d made of the bathroom earlier in the night. He cringed with embarrassment remembering how he had left Luke’s bathroom. 

Luke noticed him starting to stir and stilled his hand, but left it resting on the back of his nephew’s head. “You awake, Jess?”

“Yeah,” Jess croaked out, voice hoarse, slowly opening his eyes.

“How are you feeling?” Luke was surprised that Jess hadn’t pulled away, or told him to get his hands off him yet. He started moving his hand again, slowly petting through Jess’ hair, gently rubbing his head, testing out the situation. He could remember his mom doing this to him when he himself had been sick as a child. She had always made him feel safe and loved through small everyday touches. He’d been young when his mom died, and most all his memories of her included some kind of physical affection. Her ruffling his hair as she walked past him, rubbing his belly when he’d had a stomach ache, hugging him for no reason, or kissing his forehead as she tucked him in at night. Touch had been missing from his own life for so long, since Rachel at least, and while he didn’t want Jess to be denied that same basic human comfort, the idea of actually giving his nephew a hug still seemed too daunting to attempt. Jess was too unpredictable, and could be so caustic when he felt uncomfortable. Luke knew that he himself was an awkward hugger at best, and he felt too sensitive to expose himself to Jess’ likely rejection of the gesture. But, Luke wasn’t above using Jess’ stomach flu to bond with his nephew like this.

“Like crap. Better than last night, though.” Jess responded slowly, still groggy. 

“You want anything? Tea, water, maybe a piece of toast? You must be feeling pretty dehydrated after last night. How does your head feel? Do you want an aspirin or anything?”

The idea of even sipping water or swallowing a pill made Jess’ stomach flip. “Uh-uh, I don’t want anything.”

“Ok, but you’re going to have to start drinking fluids soon. Otherwise you’re going to end up with a bad headache. You warm enough? You need another blanket?” Jess shook his head slowly in response. He wasn’t up for Luke’s litany of questions, but he couldn’t exactly be rude to his uncle after the man had spent the night taking care of him. “You need to use the bathroom or anything?”

“Ugh.” Jess groaned, his mind going back to the mess he’d left last night. “I’m sorry about the bathroom, Luke.”

Luke chuckled quietly. “It’s ok, Jess. You were sick. These things happen. It wasn’t your fault.”

Jess sighed, and closed his eyes again. “Is it ok if I just lay here for a few more minutes? Then I’ll get up and clean it.” Now that it had been acknowledged that he was awake, he knew he should make a sarcastic jibe about Luke molesting his passed-out form in order to shame his uncle into taking his hand off his head, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Luke was rubbing his thumb in a small pattern at the base of Jess’ skull, and it felt too good to give up. He felt that if he let it go on long enough, it would lull him back to sleep, which wasn’t an unappealing idea to the exhausted boy.

“Clean what?” Luke sounded genuinely confused. “The bathroom? I cleaned the bathroom last night while you were sleeping.”

“But, it was my mess.”

“You were sick. It’s fine.”

“You should have left it. I would have done it today.” 

“Do you honestly think I’d leave the bathroom like that all night just so I could make a sick kid clean it up in the morning?” 

Jess just shrugged the shoulder he wasn’t laying on. “I’m sorry. Seriously, really sorry. I know how gross it is having to clean up someone else’s puke. I didn’t want you to have to do that.”

Luke didn’t know how to respond to that. He knew his sister had had her issues with drinking and drugs over the years. He wondered how often she had imbibed to the point of making herself sick and how old Jess had been when he had had to start cleaning up after her. “It’s ok, Jess. Don’t worry about it.”

“I’m serious. I feel awful about it. You should like…. ground me, or beat me or something for doing that to you. It’s not right.”

Luke laughed softly. “Ok, Jess...” He was becoming accustomed to his nephew’s skewed and jaded views on how he expected to be treated by the adults in his life, and he sometimes found the best way to point out their ridiculousness was to play along as if they made sense. He also knew at this point that Jess didn’t really expect him to do any of the things he had mentioned. The offer had been extended more as a way for Jess to express his regret than as an actual suggestion of a course of action. “You win. Can I wait until you’re fully recovered, or should I just go ahead and give you your beating right now?” 

“Hmm…” Jess pretended to contemplate as if he had a real decision before him. “I guess we should wait until I’m feeling a hundred percent. I would hate for the beating to trigger more projectile vomiting. Then we’d have to go through this all over again. And where would that get us, huh? Another gross bathroom and another beating? It’s a vicious circle.”

“Well, if you being a smart-ass is any proof, it definitely seems like you’re feeling better.”

“I really am sorry, though.”

“I know. But, there’s no need. You were sick. It’s ok.”

Jess stayed quiet for a while, reflecting on how Luke was always so willing to do things for him, even really gross things apparently, without expecting anything in return. He hadn’t known any men like that in his life, hadn’t really known they existed, and it had taken him a while to get used to that aspect of his uncle’s personality. To trust that it was genuine, and that Luke wasn’t going to hold his mistakes over his head and make him pay for them later. 

“Can I stay home from school today?” Luke smiled at the request. Jess didn’t normally ask his permission for anything, or otherwise acknowledge his uncle’s authority as his guardian in any real way. As much as Luke didn’t enjoy seeing his nephew suffer, he could appreciate the vulnerability it brought out in the boy. It felt good having Jess so dependent on him when he was sick. It made him feel useful and needed, like he was a real parent to Jess, instead of just the incompetent substitute he felt like most of the time.

“It’s ten o’clock. You already are staying home from school. I called you in sick. I figured even if you woke up feeling better, you’d still need to rest after last night.”

“Hmm…good thinking.” Jess responded slow and soft, on the verge of sleep.

“Are you going to be ok by yourself for a while if I head downstairs to help with lunch?”  
“Yeah, I’m good. Thanks, Luke.” Jess snuggled further into his quilt and let himself start to drift back to sleep. Luke watched his nephew closely and only when his breathing evened out and he was sure the boy was asleep did he lean down and drop a light kiss on the top of his head before he stood up. Baby steps….


	6. Step One, Stay Calm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set in the spring of Jess' junior year. Luke tries to deal with Jess' attitude toward school.

Luke couldn’t believe this was happening again. When he had walked out of the Principal’s office after their first meeting a month ago, he’d been worried and concerned. Anxious about Jess’ future. Scared that he himself was in over his head in his role as parent. This time, he was just pissed. The current report of Jess’ progress in school read much like the first. The kid skips school, doesn’t pay attention in class, doesn’t do his work, his attitude toward faculty and other students ranges from dismissive to openly hostile. he has made no effort to do better at school. It seemed to Luke that the only progress at all was that this meeting didn’t include allegations of stolen baseballs. 

As Luke exited the high school, he turned right and started walking down Elm instead of crossing toward the diner. He knew he needed to clear his head and burn off some of his anger before going home and dealing with Jess. It’s times like these he wished this town had a bar. Some place to grab a beer and relax that wasn’t his living room, since that was likely occupied by the cause of his irritation at the moment. Quick on the heels of that thought came another, that going home to discipline his nephew with alcohol on his breath wouldn’t have been a good plan even if he’d had the option, since that probably would have been ‘triggering’ for Jess. That made Luke pause, realizing he had actually learned something from his efforts to educate himself on dealing with his nephew. He was pretty sure he hadn’t been thinking in terms of emotional triggers prior to the research he’d done. That thought helped Luke start to calm down. And, as he’d learned, that was always Step 1, Stay Calm. After his first meeting with Jess’ principal and an unproductive conversation with the boy himself, Luke had been so shaken by the idea of not being able to prevent Jess from throwing away his education that he’d bought himself a book on how to deal with teenagers. He had felt so ridiculous shopping for the book that he had actually driven over to a bookstore in Woodbridge so he could browse the self-help section without fear of being spotted by someone he knew. He had recognized that he was out of his depth with the whole parenting thing. He had no idea how he was supposed to motivate Jess to get him on the right path, and he had no one to ask for advice. His only friend with a child was Lorelai, and he really couldn’t picture her having any experience with this problem. Not with Rory, who seemed like she had been born on the right path. Stealing the garden gnomes and bridge money and faking the murder scene had left Luke more annoyed than worried. He had made Jess return the stolen objects and money, of course, but those actions had struck him as that of a child looking for attention rather than actual at-risk behavior. But, Jess not caring about school, not even putting in enough effort to pass his junior year, had floored Luke. This was serious. He was responsible for Jess now, and he needed to get him to graduate high school. He couldn’t fail at this. It was too big. He couldn’t let Jess make a mistake that he would end up paying for the rest of his life. He knew he needed guidance himself before he could provide Jess with the same. That was when Luke became the not-so-proud owner of “Successful Communication and Behavior Modification Strategies for Dealing with Your Teen.”

He had poured over that book for the next three days, pulling it out whenever he had a free minute at the diner while Jess was at school, staying up late to read it after Jess was asleep upstairs. And keeping it well hidden under his mattress when he wasn’t reading it. The last thing he needed was for Jess to get his hands on it and give him crap about it. After getting through the book and reviewing the copious notes he’d taken, he had put together a game plan and sat Jess down at the kitchen table to discuss the school situation again. What killed him was that he had done everything right. He had followed the steps in the book to the letter, and still, none of it stuck. His nephew was still doing whatever the hell he wanted to with zero regard for his future. Luke had done his best to ‘Stay Calm’ and not raise his voice or let his frustration show, even when Jess had been sarcastic at the beginning. He had ‘Clearly and Concisely Stated His Expectations’, that Jess go to class and do his work and graduate high school. He had ‘Encouraged with Positive Affirmations,’ telling Jess that he was a smart kid, that there was no way he wouldn’t pass this year and graduate next year if he applied himself, and he had ‘Set up a System of Goal Measurement,’ informing Jess that he would be meeting with his principal again in a month for a progress report. He had ‘Offered Emotional Support,’ telling him that he would help him anyway he could, by giving him less hours at the diner, or quizzing him on test questions, even getting him a tutor if he felt like he needed one to catch up. And, finally, he had ‘Laid Out the Consequences Clearly’ that Jess could expect if the afore-mentioned reasonable expectations weren’t met, starting with the immediate consequence of Jess being grounded until his grades and attendance improved and following up with Jess having no high school diploma or discernable job skills and scraping by working as a toilet cleaner for the rest of his life while he lived off canned tuna and slept in a van down by the river. The instilling fear part hadn’t been in the book, but Luke had thrown it in for good measure. Jess had sat through Luke’s spiel silently, with a serious look on his face. He had nodded his agreement in all the right places. He had even had the decency to look embarrassed when Luke had threatened to ground him if his grades didn’t improve. Luke had walked away feeling good about that talk. Like he had executed his plan well and had really gotten through to Jess. Like he was Ward Freaking Cleaver. He realized now what a fool he had been. Jess hadn’t argued, but he had apparently let everything Luke said float in one ear and out the other. The kid had tuned him right out as if the whole conversation never happened. He had made no effort to do what Luke asked. His principal had made that pretty clear today. And, now, Luke was in the uncomfortable position of having to enforce the consequences he had so clearly laid out. 

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Luke was considerably calmer when he finally let himself return to the diner. He called back to Caesar that he was heading upstairs for a bit, but would be down for the dinner rush later. He sighed and started up the stairs to his apartment.

The sight of his nephew lying on the couch reading a book in front of the blaring tv instantly and irrationally irked Luke. He couldn’t understand the boy’s need to always have loud background noise for activities that should be done in quiet, like sleeping with the radio blasting or reading in front of the tv. It drove Luke crazy, but he knew now wasn’t the time to get into a critique of Jess’ sleeping or reading habits. He needed to stay focused. He was, however, sorely tempted to ask the boy if his homework was done, just so he could have the satisfaction of catching him in a lie, but he knew from his reading that that wouldn’t be productive and would likely put Jess on the defensive.

Luke took a deep breath. “Jess, come over here please. We need to talk.”

Jess’ eyes flickered over to his uncle briefly, then returned to his book. “So, talk. I’m listening.”

“Jess,” Luke could already feel his patience waning, and the conversation hadn’t even begun. “Please turn off the tv and come sit at the table.”

With an exaggerated sigh, Jess did as he was asked. “What?”

Trying to ignore Jess’ attitude, Luke sat down opposite Jess and started in, “So, I went to see your principal today-“

“Oh, jeez, that again!” Jess cut in.

“What do you mean, ‘that again’?”

“You got all worked up about school the last time we talked about it, but I thought you’d be over it by now.”

“I did not get worked up! I was very calm! We had what I thought at the time was a productive conversation about behavior modification.”

“A ‘productive conversation about behavior modification’? Are you for real right now? Where do you even come up with this stuff?” Jess shook his head in exasperation.

“I guess I was wrong though, wasn’t I, Jess? I thought you had agreed to work harder in school and bring your grades up, but I must have been having a conversation with some other kid that looks like you because when I went to talk to your principal today, he let me know that you haven’t made any improvement whatsoever. You’re still skipping school, you’re not paying attention or doing your work, and your attitude towards your teachers still sucks! According to him, Jess, you’ve made no progress at all! What do you have to say about that?”

“That guy’s a jerk. He hates me.”

“Seriously? Your principal hates you? That’s what you’re going with here? And I bet the dog ate your homework, too?”

“Why are you so worked up over this? I don’t get it. Why do you even care?”

“Dammit, Jess!” Luke felt his temper rising, he voice along with it, and he felt himself involuntarily parting ways with Step 1. “How can you even ask me that? You’re flunking out of school! You are on the verge of being held back! You’re making no effort to help yourself! And you’re seriously asking me why I’m so worked up! What the hell is wrong with you!” Luke slammed his palm down on the table and Jess flinched.

“So, this is where the nice guy act ends, huh? It’s time to knock some sense into me now!” Jess yelled back. “This is bullshit.” Jess got up and turned toward the door. Luke stood up so fast his chair fell backwards and hit the floor with a jarring crash. He was looming in front of Jess, cutting off his escape route, before the boy had gone more than a few steps. He realized his mistake too late, a second before he met Jess’ eyes and saw the fear and apprehension there. Of course, this would be the definition of triggering for Jess. If he looked the word up in the glossary of his book, he was sure he would find the picture of an angry, bully of a man, yelling and knocking over furniture. He made himself take a deep breath before he spoke. 

“Look, Jess, I’m sorry I yelled. But you don’t get to pull that crap on me anymore. No, I’m not going to hit you. But, if you don’t think I have the right to be angry with you right now, think again, kid! You’re messing up at school. You’re throwing your future away. And, yes, I’m pissed about it! And, you are going to sit your skinny ass back down in that chair and listen to me. Do you understand?”

Jess wordlessly returned to his chair, staring hard at the tabletop and focusing on calming himself down. Logically, he knew Luke wasn’t going to hurt him. His uncle was a yeller, not a hitter. But, for a second there, Jess had been able to picture a different scenario, and it had freaked him out. If Luke had hit him, he doubted it would have measured up in severity to most of the hits he’d taken from Liz’s partners over the years. He could see it as more of a hey, listen up open hand slap rather than a serious punch or hard backhand meant to inflict real damage. Still, what scared him was that the result would have been the same, and after finally getting to a place where he trusted Luke, he really didn’t want a reason to have to stop. Luke righted the chair he had been sitting on and pulled it closer to Jess before sitting down again. The table was no longer between them and Luke leaned forward with his elbows on his thighs, lowering his head to try to make eye contact with his nephew.

“Do you remember the conversation we had a while back, after I got called into school to talk to your principal the first time?” Jess lifted his head and looked back at Luke blankly. “C’mon Jess, you sat there and stared at me that time too, and it got us nowhere. I’m going to need you to actually participate in the conversation this time. Do you remember the last time we talked about how you were doing at school?”

Jess sighed, “Yes, I remember.”

“Good, that’s a start. What did I say was going to happen if you didn’t improve your performance at school?”

“Gee, I don’t know, Uncle Luke, but how about you just send me to bed without dinner and we call it a day?”

Luke sighed, “Don’t be a wise-ass.”

“Oh, wait, I remember now! I believe you threatened to ask that nice Forrester boy to tutor me. You mentioned something about him needing more volunteer hours to earn his eagle scout badge in sucking up. Is that what you’re talking about?” Jess asked in feigned earnestness.

“Jess, cut it out! I only threatened you with Dean as a tutor because when I asked you if you needed one you said yes and that you’d be happy to post a want ad in the cheerleaders’ locker room.”

“What are you trying to say, Uncle Luke? That a cheerleader can’t be smart enough to be a tutor? That a woman can only be bouncy or smart, but not both? Wow, that’s quite the misogynist mindset you’ve got there! You know, I’d hazard a guess that that attitude of yours may just be the reason why you don’t have a special lady friend in your life.” Jess shook his head in disappointment.

“I just wanted to make sure you knew that having a tutor wasn’t supposed to be a good time!”

“Another false stereotype. Not all cheerleaders are a good time. Trust me.”

“Real funny, Jess. Everything’s just a big joke to you, huh?”

“Not everything, no. But, this conversation, definitely.”

“Jess, can you please be serious here? If you needed a tutor, I would have hired you a professional. Do you, Jess? Need a tutor? If you are telling me that you need a tutor to help you catch up, I’ll get you one.”

“Relax! I don’t need a tutor. The work isn’t even hard. Everyone in that school is an idiot!”

Luke could feel his frustration rising, “If the work isn’t hard, why the hell aren’t you just doing it?”

“Because my classes are all stupid. Because the teachers are all idiots. Because I hate that school. Because I just don’t care. Those are all solid reasons. Take your pick!”

Luke studied the floor in front of his chair for a moment, focusing on staying calm. He didn’t see a point in moving forward until he was firmly in control of himself. He thought back to what he’d read about dealing with a defiant teenager, and he decided it was time to ‘Make the Teen Feel Heard’. “Ok, Jess,” Luke set out to paraphrase Jess’ point of view to show him that he was listening, “What I’m hearing is that because you don’t feel challenged or fulfilled at school, you don’t see doing your school work as an activity that is worth your time and energy. Am I understanding you correctly?”

“Oh, my God, what the hell is even going on right now? Are you serious with this crap?” Jess stared at Luke, dumbfounded.

“Just answer the question please. Am I understanding you correctly?”

“Jeez, yes, Luke, I guess. Ok? I don’t feel challenged or fulfilled at school and, yes, I don’t think it’s worth my time and energy. Happy now?”

“Not just yet, no.” Luke paused to collect his thoughts before moving on to the next step, trying to wrap his mind around how best to ‘Emphasize the Positive Benefits of Undesirable Tasks’. “Can you see any benefits in doing enough work to get passing grades even though you don’t enjoy doing it or see the work itself as valuable?”

“Yes, Luke,” Jess spoke slowly like he was talking a small, slow child. He was starting to feel insulted. “I’m not a moron. I get that I need to graduate high school. And I will. I’m not going to flunk out of school or anything. They’re making a big deal over nothing. So are you.”

“Yeah? Is that so, nephew? Well, then, I think you miscalculated exactly how much slacking you can do and still pass because according to your principal, you are on the verge of failing and having to take your junior year over again. Do you realize that? Are you even aware of how close you are to failing your entire junior year?”

“Fine! I get it! I’ll do enough to pass. Can I go now?”

“No, you can’t go now! That’s what you said last time. And like a chump, I believed you! You sat right in that same spot and nodded along to everything I said. Yes, you’d start going to all your classes. Yes, you’d pay attention and listen to your teachers. Yes, you’d study and do your homework. And what happened? Did you do any of that, Jess?”

“Gee, I’m going to go out on a limb here and bet you already know the answer to that question, Luke.”

“This time is going to be different. I trusted you to fix this on your own last time, because I thought you were smart enough to see reason and know you needed to get your grades up. But, no more. Starting right now, you’re grounded for two weeks. Everyday you’ll come home from school, plant your ass on a chair in the diner and do your homework where I can see you. If you finish in time, you can work the dinner shift, after you’ve shown me the work you’ve done. On weekends, you can work the lunch or dinner shift, your choice, but not both. You’ll spend the rest of the day catching up on the work you’re behind in. You will only leave these premises for school. In two weeks, I will go see your principal. Again. If he tells me there’s been an improvement in your performance, we can renegotiate the rules. If there hasn’t been any progress, you’ll be grounded for two more weeks and the cycle will continue until there is progress. And once your grades are up to passing, I never want to hear from your school or your principal for any reason again. Understand?”

Jess was glaring murderously at his uncle.

“Do. You. Understand?”

Jess nodded slightly, averting his face from Luke. He hadn’t thought he was close to actually being held back. Part of him still didn’t really believe what the principal said, figured the jerk was on a power trip and was probably exaggerating the situation to make it look worse than it was, while the other part felt shame that at seventeen, Luke felt that he needed to ground him in order to get him to take responsibility for his grades. 

“Sorry, Jess, but I need a verbal response from you this time.”

“I understand. I’ll bring my grades up to passing.” Jess spoke quietly, still not making eye contact. “I get it. You won’t have to deal with this crap again, ok?”

“That’s good to hear, Jess. But, I’m not upset because I have to deal with this crap. I’m upset because I don’t want you to make bad choices now, and end up regretting them later. You’re a smart kid, and I care too much about you to sit by and watch you flush your life down the toilet. I’m responsible for you right now, Jess, and I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if you flunked out of school on my watch. For God’s sake, even Liz managed to keep you in school in New York.” Luke paused to collect his thoughts, “I can’t let you mess up something as important as your education. Someone as smart as you are, Jess, should be planning for college, not almost flunking out of high school.”

Jess was unable to hold back the eyeroll at that.

“What? You think you can’t go to college? I don’t know what Liz used to tell you, but if you want to go to college and can get accepted somewhere, I can help you. You can keep living here if you go to a local school, and I can help with your tuition. Or I can help pay for a dorm room and stuff, too, if you don’t want to stay around here. I want you to know that you have options. If you want to go to college, we’ll work something out. I’m serious about this, Jess. I don’t see any reason why college shouldn’t be in your future.” Luke stared thoughtfully at his nephew for a second. “And, I’m sorry if you don’t agree with how I’m handling things now, with grounding you and everything, but, I’m doing it this way because I’m scared to death of letting you down about something this big. Can you understand that?”

Jess was caught off guard by the sincerity he saw in his uncle’s face. Even after all these months, he couldn’t quite get used to the idea that Luke actually cared, about anything and everything to do with Jess. He still wasn’t convinced he was worth all Luke’s care and worry, but at this point he knew it was genuine. He recognized the sense in what Luke had said, and he could admit that he needed to get it together school-wise. He had never given any serious thought to college and he wasn’t sure that was going to change, but he honestly didn’t want to flunk out of high school. Even Liz and Jimmy had managed to graduate high school for god’s sake. He also realized he owed it to Luke to do better in order to take some stress off of him, since he knew Luke was incapable of watching something bad happen to Jess without internalizing it and feeling the problem as his own. 

Jess nodded wordlessly. “Ok, I’ll do better. I’ll pass all my classes.” 

“Do I have your word, Jess?”

“Yes,” then tentatively and with no trace of attitude, “Are we all set now?”

Luke nodded, a small smile forming on his face. “Yeah, we’re pretty much done.” He knew there was one more step. This one made him nervous, even more nervous than grounding Jess. He figured he should just go for it since they’d already gone this far.

Jess stood up, pushing in his chair and turning away from the table. “Uh...Jess.” Jess turned back toward his uncle and was startled to find Luke suddenly in his personal space. He took a small step back. Luke followed, awkwardly raising a hand to Jess’ shoulder. The boy flinched back in confusion and tried to side step his uncle’s reach, but found himself caught by Luke’s other arm, which had somehow materialized on his other side. Jess tried to shake that arm off as well, and Luke shifted to compensate for the gap Jess had created between them, his hand landing on Jess’ upper arm while the boy tried to fidget out of his grasp. “Jess, quit it! Stop squirming around and let me hug you!” Realization of what was happening hit Jess like a shovel to the head and he froze in shock. He felt himself pulled gently toward his uncle’s chest as one arm tentatively encircled his body, the hand landing on his back, while the other hand lightly touched down on the back of his head. It wasn’t awful. Just awkward. Very awkward. He wasn’t sure if he was supposed to hug back, and if he did, how to go about it or where to put his arms, so he remained motionless. After a beat or two and one soft pat on the back, Luke released his still unmoving nephew and took a step back from the boy. Jess’ eyes were comically wide with confusion and alarm. “All right, I think we’re good here.” Luke smiled, feeling accomplished.

“Ok……uh, all right.” Jess couldn’t remember the last time someone other than Liz had hugged him. He didn’t know how to process what he was feeling. He just knew he needed to get away from Luke, and get some space to think. He really didn’t want to risk breaking the rules in the first few minutes of his grounding, but he really needed to get out. He decided to throw himself on Luke’s mercy. “Uh, can I maybe, uh, go out for a walk? Just for a little while? Please.”

“Jess, you’re grounded,” Luke started to frown, worried that nothing had sunk in this time around either.

“I know!” Jess rushed to agree. “And I will be. I promise. But, could that maybe start tomorrow? I just kind of need to go for a walk right now. Please.”

Jess still looked uncomfortable, and Luke decided to take pity on him. “Fine. You’re grounding starts tomorrow then. You’re still going to do your homework tonight when you get back though.”

“Understood. Thanks.” Jess grabbed his jacket off the hook by the door and quickly headed out of the apartment before his uncle could change his mind.

It dawned on Luke that the chapter on ‘Hugging Your Teen After Disciplining Them’ probably took for granted that every parent reading it had previous experience hugging their child and wouldn’t be doing it for the first time under these circumstances. With his and Jess’ situation being what it was, Luke was doing the best he could. Judging from Jess’ deer in the headlights reaction, Luke suspected he had probably messed this up somehow, too, but it still brought a satisfied smile to his face to think that he could now check off one more step on the path to Successful Communication with his Teen. And this step felt like a big one.


	7. Step One, Stay Calm  Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a direct continuation of Chapter 6. Jess deals with being grounded, and Luke deals with Jess.

The next day Jess kept his word. He had gone directly to school, sat through all his classes, and done the work that was asked of him. He even passed a pop quiz on ‘The Things They Carried’ from what he could remember from reading it on his own a couple years back. The only thing he didn’t do was participate in class. He tried, but couldn’t bring himself to raise his hand even when he knew the answer. It just felt too pathetic, like he was begging his teacher to pay attention to him and evaluate whether his thoughts were good enough. But, he did make a point to pay attention in class, and when he was called on during his history class he was able to provide the answer the teacher was looking for. All in all, he felt like he had put in a solid day at school. Part of him felt proud of himself for his efforts, and for keeping his word to Luke, while the other part was already looking ahead at the two months left of junior year and then another full academic year after that and feeling exhausted at the thought of maintaining this level of effort. He missed the ‘me time’ that a typical school day usually afforded him, when he could sit in the back of the classroom reading for pleasure and ignoring the Spanish lecture or chemistry lab or whatever else was going on around him. His only opportunity to get away from everyone for a bit without it getting back to Luke in his next progress report had been during his lunch period. He had skipped the cafeteria entirely and snuck off to an isolated spot at the far edge of the parking lot with a book. It had a been a good break, necessary even, but it hadn’t made up for the rest of the day. Even leaving school at the end of day, which was normally the only part he looked forward to, had felt awkward. For the first time since arriving in Stars Hollow, he had actually gathered up the books he needed for his homework assignments and brought them home. He had left his old backpack in New York and had never bothered to get a new one since he didn’t usually carry things to and from school, so he was stuck carrying a stack of school books in his arms like a character from a ‘50’s sitcom. He’d felt ridiculous, but at least it was a very short walk back to the diner.

Coming home to being grounded had been a new experience, too. Luke had pretty much greeted him at the door when he had walked into the diner. He’d tried to bypass his uncle under the guise of going upstairs to put down his books and settle in before beginning his homework, but Luke wasn’t having it. He had steered Jess to the table for two by the window where he currently sat with his trigonometry book open in front of him. Luke had even pulled the table further away from the others, no doubt to give him space and privacy while he studied, but it made Jess feel like a child who had been put in an isolated corner for a time out. He still felt mortified at the idea of being grounded at his age. That it was Luke who had doled out his punishment only added to his embarrassment. He couldn’t remember the last time he had been punished by someone he actually respected for a misdeed that he agreed was actually deserving of punishment. It was both easier and harder than what he was used to. Certainly, he felt safer with Luke than with the majority of the men who had taken it upon themselves to try to help Liz keep him in line over the course of his life. He trusted Luke. He knew his uncle would keep to the terms of his grounding, and not throw in extra punishment for his own amusement like so many men had done in the past, suddenly deciding Jess wasn’t allowed to use the bathroom as soon as he tried to go, or withholding food until he cried, or taunting him or smacking him hard on the head as they walked past him, or losing control, as Liz often had, screaming and cursing at him and blaming him for everything wrong with her own life. Jess had been able to soothe himself through those past ordeals by clinging on to the injustice of the situation, of receiving a harsh and unpredictable punishment for a minor infraction like talking back or leaving his things lying around where someone had tripped over them, or by focusing on his hatred for his tormentor. And, in recent years, Jess had started completely disregarding any attempts to punish him made by Liz or any of her partners, not that Liz herself really made much of an effort with him anymore. He would continue to do what he wanted and come and go as he pleased as though no one had told him otherwise. This reaction sometimes worked, depending on the temperament of the man involved. With some, it wore them down until they just gave up trying to play his dad and figured he wasn’t worth all the trouble and attitude, but with others it inevitably escalated to yelling, physical altercations and on two occasions to neighbors calling the cops. No matter the outcome, Jess figured it beat giving in and acknowledging the authority that those men thought they had over him just because they were dating or married to his mother. Being grounded by Luke wasn’t like that at all. He was confident that Luke would never deny him having his basic needs met or be violent with him, even while he was being disciplined. But the experience made him uncomfortable in other ways. He knew he deserved to be grounded for letting Luke down about something as basic as passing his classes, especially after he had been warned, but somehow his own willingness to submit to the punishment added to his humiliation. He felt childish and ashamed at the ridiculousness of the situation, and he worried about what Luke must think of him for letting things get this bad with school. He was less than a year away from being a legal adult, out on his own. He should have been able to graduate high school without needing to be punished like a little kid. After he had come back from his walk the night before, he had gotten Luke to promise that he wouldn’t tell anyone that he was grounded. Luke had readily agreed that it wasn’t anyone else’s business, assuring him that the purpose of grounding him was to make sure he got his grades up, not to embarrass him. But even though he knew that no one else would know why he was stuck studying in the diner after school, he still felt humiliated about the whole thing, and wished, not for the first time since he’d been sitting here, that Luke trusted him enough to let him study upstairs. He understood why he didn’t, but the situation still sucked. 

Jess had been working on his math homework for the past forty-five minutes and he needed a break. He stood up from the table, stretched out his back a couple of times while eyeing Luke who was occupied behind the counter, and quickly headed over toward the stairs. “Not so fast, Jess. What are you doing?” Luke called over from the other end of the counter, where he had just set an order down in front of a customer. 

Jess stopped and looked at his uncle, not really wanting to push him, but just needing a little space. “I’m just going to run upstairs for a minute. I’ll be right back.”

“What for?” Luke asked, walking over to his nephew and positioning himself between the boy and the stairs.

“I just need to use the bathroom, ok? Like I said, I’ll be right back.” Jess made to step around Luke and continue his exit, but Luke placed a not ungentle hand on his shoulder, stopping him.

“Not going to happen, nephew.” Jess felt his heart rate pick up slightly and he could feel the beginning of a cold sweat start, before he was able to regain his composure. He was getting better at controlling his reactions, but he hated that he still responded to triggers like this at all. He rationally knew Luke wasn’t really going to deny him access to a bathroom no matter how stern he sounded, but old habits die hard, and his autonomic nervous system still hadn’t gotten with the program. He wondered if he would ever get to a point where being around male authority figures didn’t incite his fight or flight instinct on a routine basis.

“Are you kidding? What is this, prison?”

“There’s a bathroom down here, Jess.” Luke stated the obvious. “Use that one.”

“But, I’m going to be a while, and all the good magazines are in the bathroom upstairs.” 

“You need reading material? Take a textbook in there with you.”

“Oh, c’mon! This is ridiculous! I can’t just take a ten minute break and get a few minutes alone? I’ll be right back. You know, I actually sat through all my classes today, which means I’ve been surrounded by people I can’t stand all day. Can I please just go upstairs and be by myself for a few minutes? Just ten minutes!”

“Jess, I’m asking you to please either use the bathroom in the diner or go back to studying. This is just day one. You haven’t even been at this for an hour. Are you seriously telling me that you need a break already?”

Jess felt a wave of shame wash over him for trying to get a break from a punishment that even he could admit was pretty mild. Luke was right. He should be able to focus for longer than the forty-five minutes that he had been in the diner. “Fine, I’ll use the one down here.” Jess muttered as he turned away from his uncle and headed to the restroom. He didn’t need to use it, but he knew he would look even more ridiculous if he just returned to his seat, so went into the restroom anyway. He idly glanced around the small bathroom, and ended up looking at his reflection in the mirror over the sink. He looked the same as always, but he felt different. It hit him how much his life had changed from what it had been back in the fall when he had been shipped off to Stars Hollow to live with an uncle he barely knew. How much he had changed. He had been so angry at being exiled to this crappy little town, and he had expected the worst from Luke initially, so he had gone into self-preservation mode, building walls to protect himself and vacillating between ignoring the man completely and giving him more sarcastic attitude than he had deserved. If his uncle had tried to ground him, or discipline him in any way, in the first few months of his stay, he would have treated him like one of Liz’s boyfriends and ignored him and just done whatever he wanted anyway, probably with some flippant words and disdainful looks thrown in for good measure, trying to bait the man into a confrontation to see what he would do. He looked at his reflection and thought about how he had been feeling calmer lately. Less hostile. And how, in situations like this one, he found himself caring about what Luke thought of him, and feeling badly for letting him down. He wondered what his life would have been like, what he would have been like, if he was Luke’s son, and had lived with him from birth. He imagined a better version of his life. Luke would have been a much more stable parent than Liz had been. Jess was sure of it. He pictured himself growing up happy, being taken care of by a responsible adult, feeling safe and secure with consistent rules laid out and normal boundaries set for him, instead of learning to accommodate Liz’s moods when she was drunk or high, or adjusting to a new boyfriend every few months or a new step-father every few years. He was positive that he would have ended up a better person, more whole, without a giant chip on his shoulder about how life had screwed him over, less aggressive because he would have had less fear to compensate for. He could see a better, well-adjusted version of himself, doing well in school, with normal friends, maybe playing on a team, dating a well-adjusted girl, planning for college. Jess sighed at the lost boy in the mirror. That wasn’t his life and there wasn’t much sense in dwelling on it. He was pulled out of his thoughts by a knock on the door. He quickly flushed the toilet and washed and dried his hands to keep up pretenses before he exited the restroom.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Jess still hadn’t finished his homework by the time the diner started to fill up for dinner. Luke walked up to Jess’ table in between orders. “How’s it going, Jess? You getting a lot done?”

“Yep, just finishing up here.” He finished a note he was writing and put his pen down with a flourish for emphasis. “All set to help with the dinner rush.” Jess shut the textbook he had been reading and moved to rise from his chair, until Luke stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. 

“You sure you’re done, Jess?”

“Pretty sure.”

“With everything? You did all your homework?”

“Looks like.” Jess gestured toward the notebook in front of him, the open page covered with his tiny scrawl.

“What about this one?” Luke picked up a blue textbook at the far end of the table and read the title off the cover, “Abnormal Psychology. I haven’t seen you open this one yet. You all caught up in this subject?”

“Sure am, Uncle Luke! A lifetime of living with my whack job of a mother gives me an edge in Abnormal Psych. The other kids can only read about it. I’ve lived it!” 

“Jess,” Luke drew the name out slowly, with warning in his voice. 

“Luke,” Jess mimicked back in the same tone, brow furrowed in mock sternness. 

Luke sighed, “All right, show me the list of your homework then, smart guy.”

Jess didn’t see a point in pushing this any further. “Fine, I have two chapters to read in Abnormal Psych. But, I was willing to get up early tomorrow to do it before school so that I could help my dear old uncle with the dinner shift. But, if you don’t want my help, then fine. Your loss. I guess I’ll just read it now instead.” 

Luke set the book down in front of Jess, “Good plan.”

“Maybe I should take my books and finish my reading upstairs though? I don’t want to take up valuable real estate in the dining room during the dinner rush. I would hate for you to lose business because I’m keeping a table from your customers. I mean, what if someone important, like Taylor for example, comes in and you have nowhere to seat them and have to turn them away! Can you imagine the scandal!”

Luke smiled at Jess’ efforts to escape. “No one’s more important than you, Jess. You’re good right here.” 

Jess flushed, then quickly forced a scowl onto his face as he opened the book in front of him, focusing his eyes on the assigned chapter. He found it disconcerting when Luke said things like that, and he never knew how to respond. Even though he knew it was untrue, since he was pretty sure almost everyone was more important than he was, the blatant fondness of the sentiment still affected him, and left him feeling awkward.

“You getting hungry? You want something to eat?” Jess’ stomach growled loudly in response. 

Luke laughed, and gently chided his nephew. “Jess, if you were that hungry, you should have said something! You do know you’re still allowed to eat, right?”

Jess looked up at his uncle, “You know, I was really hoping that was the case. I would be in for a pretty rough two weeks otherwise. But, still, it’s nice to get confirmation that we’re on the same page.”

“All right,” Luke smiled and patted Jess on the shoulder. “I’ll be right back with your dinner then. One order of bread and water, coming up!” Jess could hear Luke chuckling at his own joke as he walked behind the counter, stopping only to call back to Caesar for Jess’ usual order of a burger and chili fries.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Jess had discovered it by accident. Day five of his grounding was a Saturday and Luke had relaxed the rules for the weekend. After working the lunch shift and spending the rest of the afternoon studying in the diner, Jess was allowed to knock off early and go upstairs by himself for the rest of the evening. It was the first block of free time he’d had all week. The only problem was he had already finished the books he had borrowed from the library, and since he’d been grounded all week, he hadn’t been able to go check out new ones. And, he wasn’t in the mood to reread any of his own books. Luke hadn’t explicitly said he couldn’t watch TV while he was grounded, but according to the depictions of kids being grounded in normal families that he had read in books or seen in movies, it seemed to Jess that ‘no TV’ was a standard part of the punishment. He didn’t want to take his chances, in case Luke assumed he should have known that rule on his own. He was bored and restless. He really wanted to sneak out to stretch his legs and get some fresh air, but he knew he wouldn’t do it. It felt too important to show Luke he could be trusted. So, he had to find some way to entertain himself in the apartment. He went to the fridge to grab a coke while he was considering his options, and cringed when he spotted the math quiz with a bright red 89 on it that was stuck to the door with a magnet. He hadn’t seen Luke put that up. He had only even shown the quiz to Luke to get him off his back last night when he had been nagging him about catching up on his schoolwork. He hadn’t expected it to end up as refrigerator decoration. He knew Luke was genuinely proud of the effort he was putting in at school, so he tried to take the display at face value and quell the feeling that he was being patronized. He couldn’t remember the last time Liz had hung any of his tests or childhood ‘art’ on the fridge back in New York. She had never really been interested in his performance or behavior at school, and as long as nothing went sideways enough for the school to actually call her or request a meeting, she had never bothered to ask him much about it. He could do without being grounded, but it was sort of nice that Luke was interested in his day to day life, school included. Having someone in his corner who actually believed he could do better, kind of made Jess feel that he should try to do better. Even if just for Luke’s sake.

Jess walked around the apartment, sipping his coke and idly opening drawers and cabinets, looking for something to entertain himself with. He remembered seeing an old can of tennis balls in the closet and went to retrieve them, with the plan to brush up on his juggling. One of Liz’s boyfriends, who had been an ok enough guy, had taught him the basics when he was eleven, and he thought it was a cool enough skill to keep in practice. He set his soda down on the kitchen table and tried tossing only two balls back and forth at first to get the rhythm down, before he added the third ball. He was rustier than he had expected, and he ended up spending as much time chasing errant tennis balls around the apartment as he did keeping them in the air. His last attempt lasted the longest, and he was starting to feel it coming back to him when he missed a catch. Two balls fell to the ground, one hitting the toe of his sneaker and shooting off across the floor toward Luke’s area of the apartment. Jess followed the ball to where it had come to a rest under his uncle’s bed. As Jess crouched down to pick it up, the corner edge of something sticking out between the mattress and box spring of Luke’s unmade bed caught he eye. Whatever it was, it was clearly meant to be hidden. If this was Luke’s hidden porn stash, Jess wasn’t sure he wanted to see it. It would definitely make for good ammunition for teasing his uptight uncle, but there was always the risk that he would find some kind of fetish porn so disturbing that he wouldn’t be able to look at his uncle the same afterwards. Curiosity won out, and Jess gently pried the book free from its hiding place, taking mental note of exactly where it had been so he could return it later, unnoticed. He read the title, ‘Successful Communication and Behavior Modification Strategies for Dealing with Your Teen.’ It was certainly disturbing, just not in the way he was expecting. He stood up with his find and wandered over to the couch. He definitely needed to give this a closer look.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Luke came upstairs that night after closing the diner to find Jess sitting on the couch doing…nothing. He didn’t have a book or anything with him and the TV wasn’t on. He was watching Luke with a thoughtful expression on his face. “Hey, Jess, what are you doing?”

“Nothing.”

“I can see that. Were you watching TV?” Luke walked over from the kitchen with a beer in his hand and sat in the armchair opposite the couch. 

Jess’ face registered surprise at the question. “No, I wasn’t. I haven’t watched TV all week.”

“It’s ok if you were, Jess. I never said you couldn’t, and you had free time this evening, so-”

“I wasn’t watching TV!” Jess cut his uncle off, getting annoyed that Luke didn’t believe him. “Seriously.” 

“Ok, Jess. I believe you.”

“Touch it.”

“What?”

“Go ahead, touch the TV. You obviously don’t believe me. So, touch it. If I was watching it, it will still be warm.”

Luke sighed, “Jess, I said I believe you.”

“Yep, you did say that, but it’s pretty obvious that you don’t really believe me. I wasn’t sure if no TV was part of my punishment, so I never turned it on tonight, just in case. Go ahead,” Jess jerked his head in the direction of the television. “This can easily be settled by gathering empirical evidence.”

Luke sighed again as he got up and walked the few steps to the television, laying his hand on the top and then the side of the box. “It’s not warm. I believe that you weren’t watching it.” Luke sat back down, contemplating how to proceed. He knew from experience how volatile his nephew could be and how the wrong words from him could spark an ugly confrontation, and it seemed like he’d already gotten off on the wrong foot in this conversation, or maybe Jess had already been in a mood before he came in. He leaned forward in the armchair. “Listen, Jess, I’m sorry if it felt like I was accusing you of sneaking around behind my back to watch TV. I understand how what I said offended you. I just wanted to let you know that I’m ok with you watching TV if you have free time while you’re grounded. I appreciate that you didn’t watch it because you weren’t sure if you were allowed to, though. I know you’ve been taking your punishment seriously this week and I’m really proud of all the effort you’ve been putting in at school and with your homework and everything. I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings. That’s never my intention.”

“Wow, good speech, Uncle Luke!” Jess gushed with mock admiration, putting his hands together twice in a lazy clap. “Looks like I’m not the only one who’s been doing his homework around here, huh? Not only did you provide positive reinforcement for my good behavior and validate my hurt feelings, but you get extra points for using a direct quote in your apology, ‘I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings. That’s never my intention.’ Chapter five, right, something about placating your teen once you’ve offended his or her delicate sensibilities by acting like a thoughtless ass?”

Jess could read the sudden flash of embarrassment, quickly followed by anger in Luke’s face before the man spoke. “What the hell, Jess? You had no right to go through my stuff!” 

“I didn’t go through your stuff! I found it by accident. It was sticking out. And if you don’t want people finding your stuff, you should come up with a more creative hiding place, instead of keeping it where every twelve year old on the planet hides his porn!”

Luke was on his feet now, looming over Jess, his voice raising. “You found it by accident? That’s bullshit, and you know it! What the hell were you doing in my room to begin with, Jess?” 

Jess felt the familiar uptick in his heart rate as he stood to meet Luke. “Really, Luke? The word ‘room’ seems like a gross exaggeration to me. ‘Room’ implies a door and privacy, neither of which we have in case you haven’t noticed. I was juggling and a ball rolled under your bed. When I went to get it, I saw the book sticking out and got curious. I honestly just thought it was your porn stash at first, and thought I should check out what disturbing fetishes-”

“Shut up, Jess! Just shut your mouth!” Luke yelled. Jess had the feeling he was pushing his uncle too far, but he couldn’t stop himself. 

“Uh-oh, sounds like someone needs to reread chapter 7, because you’re making a pretty rookie mistake right now, Uncle Luke! Yelling is never a productive means of communication. It instills fear and defensiveness in the child, builds emotional walls, and escalates the conflict. That ring any bells?”

Luke was staring hard at the wall past Jess. He was fuming, but trying to focus on breathing and calming himself down. He looked back at Jess. “I’m too angry to deal with you right now.” Luke said, straining to keep his voice level. “Go to your room before I do or say something I regret.” Jess didn’t move. “Now, Jess.”

“I thought we’d already established that I don’t have an actual ‘room’ per se-”

“Then go to bed. I mean it, Jess. I don’t want to look at you right now.”

“Seriously! You buy a book on how to train me like I’m a damn dog and you think you’re the one that gets to have all this righteous anger?” Jess’ voice had raised to a yell in direct response to Luke’s calmer tone. “That is so fucked up, Luke!” 

“Jess, do you need help getting to bed or can you do it by yourself?” Luke asked calmly. Jess was pissed that Luke was no longer rising to the bait. He resented that Luke felt like he could end this confrontation on his terms, while Jess was still pissed and offended.

“This is such bullshit! You think you have it all figured out, huh? From your stupid little book. You think you know exactly how to manage me, right? What a joke! But, that shouldn’t surprise me because having you as a guardian is one big joke! As least Liz thought of me as a real person and didn’t need a fucking book to know how to talk to me! It’s a good thing you never had kids, because I would feel really sorry for them! You would fucking suck at being a parent!” The second Jess’ brain caught up with his mouth, he was instantly taken aback by what he just said. He had never hurled an F-bomb at his uncle until tonight, and he hadn’t attacked him this viciously since the time Luke had pushed him into the lake. He half expected to have his face slapped, or to be grabbed by a handful of his shirtfront and given a hard shake. He would have understood Luke’s need to do either. He couldn’t comprehend how this conversation had gotten so out of control. 

Luke stared back at Jess with hurt evident on his face. He managed to keep his voice neutral as he responded, “Either go the fuck to bed, or get out.”

Jess stood there in shock, at the ultimatum itself as well as the fact that Luke had actually sworn back at him. He couldn’t grasp how they had gotten here. His instinct was to try to fix things, but it was the third time Luke had told him to go to bed, to get out of his sight really, and he knew he needed to obey him. “Ok…I’ll go to bed.” He noticed a flash of relief cross Luke’s face at his decision. He murmured a quiet “sorry”, and quickly walked off towards his bed.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Jess couldn’t sleep. After he had gone to his room last night, he’d quickly changed into pajamas pants and a t-shirt and gotten into bed, laying there in the dark, listening. He hadn’t wanted to risk pissing Luke off even more by asking to use the bathroom to get ready for bed, and now that he had no other distractions, he was feeling a growing need to urinate. The apartment had remained quiet, except for the occasional click of Luke’s glass beer bottle against the end table as he finished his drink. Around half hour later, he heard Luke shut himself into the bathroom. After several minutes, he heard the door reopen followed by footsteps heading toward him, stopping at the entrance of his room, and a whispered, “Jess, are you still up?” He had considered pretending to be asleep for a second before he responded. 

“Yeah, I’m awake.”

“Do you need to brush your teeth, or use the bathroom or anything?”

Jess had sat up in bed. “Yeah, I kinda have to pee. I wasn’t sure it was ok.”

“It’s ok, Jess. You can always use the bathroom. Go take care of whatever you need to do.” 

Jess had got out of bed, trying to read his uncle’s face in the dark. His voice hadn’t sounded as warm and affectionate as usual, but it hadn’t exactly been unkind either. Jess had taken a deep breath and tried to initiate a conversation as he approached his uncle, “Luke, I just want to say-“

“Jess,” Luke had cut him off, voice firmer. “Not now. Go use the bathroom and go back to bed. We can talk tomorrow.” Jess had nodded wordlessly and obeyed, and Luke had already gone to bed by the time Jess got out of the bathroom.

Now, according to Jess’ alarm clock it was two o’clock in the morning, and he had yet to sleep a wink. He kept running the night’s events over in his head, trying to figure out how things had gotten so badly off track that Luke had actually threatened to kick him out. Or, not really threatened to kick him out, if Jess was being honest, as much as he had given him the choice to do what he was told or leave. Jess could acknowledge that those were two different things, and he was grateful that Luke had gone with the latter option, and that he was currently lying awake in the comfort of his warm bed as opposed to trying to find a safe and comfortable spot to sleep outside somewhere. 

Jess knew it had been wrong to look through Luke’s book, something that his uncle clearly meant to keep private. As he had read through it, Jess had been able to convince himself that he was the only injured party with reason to be angry. The book was so ridiculous and patronizing. Jess had recognized some of the sections that Luke had used on him and he was humiliated to realize that Luke saw him as someone whose behavior needed to be managed like a child’s, or even worse like he was some strange species whose behaviors Luke required a field guide to interpret. What hurt the most was that things had genuinely been getting better lately, and Jess had thought that was because he and Luke had reached a good place in their relationship. Jess had grown to trust Luke, as someone who met his needs as a parent, who took care of him and looked out for his best interest and was helping him to become a better version of himself. He thought Luke had come to know him and care about him as a person instead of just as the token nephew he was responsible to care for out of a sense of family obligation. But, seeing so many of the things that Luke said to him laid out in the book had made Jess feel like a fool. Like Luke had somehow tricked Jess into trusting him by spouting generic self-help bullshit at him when they talked. His first reaction had been hurt and betrayal, and he hadn’t had a chance to process it further before Luke had come home and Jess had barely had time to stow the unfinished book between the couch cushions before his uncle could spot it. Jess knew his biggest mistake had been the same as always. Luke probably could have forgiven his snooping if his misdeeds had ended there and he had apologized. But, he had gone on to hide his hurt feelings by spewing angry vitriol at his uncle. He hadn’t planned on going off on Luke or throwing the book in his face like that, but Luke asking about whether he had been watching TV had set him off. He had taken it as proof that Luke didn’t return the trust Jess had in him, and it had all gone downhill from there. He knew he had crossed so many lines and he winced with shame as he remembered the harsh things he’d said to Luke, swearing at him, calling him a thoughtless ass, a joke of a guardian. Sure, Luke had stood there and taken it without returning the name calling or smacking him, but that didn’t mean he was going to be able to forgive Jess for the things he’d said. Or that he would want to keep him around for more than just the day or two it would take to pack his stuff and stick him back on a bus to New York. What sent Jess over the edge was remembering how earlier in the week, he had imagined how much better his life would have been if he had been born Luke’s son, and tonight he had screamed at the same man that it was a good thing he never had kids of his own because he would have been a terrible parent. He knew there was a good chance he was going to end up alone again, with no one who cared about him, just when he was getting used to finally having someone he could count on, like a real parent. And this time, he would have absolutely no one to blame but himself. He started to cry as quietly as he could.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Jess woke up to the smell of bacon frying. He smiled and wondered what the occasion was. Luke hardly ever cooked bacon at home. Then the events of last night came flooding back to him, and he wondered if this was going to be his last meal before Luke sent him back to New York. He was tempted to stay in bed for as long as he could to put off learning his fate, but he ultimately decided he should at least try to be mature about the situation and face Luke like an adult.

He found Luke in the kitchen, already dressed and finishing up some eggs on the stove. Luke turned to acknowledge his nephew with a small smile, “Hey, Jess, good timing. I was just about to go wake you for breakfast. Take a seat.”

Jess sat down at the table, and Luke came over and set down two plates of scrambled eggs, bacon and toast. “You want orange juice?”

“Uh, sure, thanks. I can get it.” Jess started to rise from his chair, but Luke had already turned back towards the kitchen. 

“I got it, Jess. Dig in.”

Jess still hadn’t touched his food when Luke came back with two glasses of orange juice and took his seat at the table. Jess made eye contact and took a breath, “Luke, I am really sorry for going through your stuff, and for everything I said to you last night. I had no right to read your book and throw it in your face like that….and even more than that, I’m so sorry for all the horrible things I said to you. I feel awful about it. I didn’t mean it and you didn’t deserve it, and I’m just so sorry.”

Luke took in how Jess was struggling to keep his voice steady and his red and puffy eyes, and he didn’t want to draw out the boy’s suffering. “Ok,” he said with a fond smile.

“Ok?” Jess repeated.

Luke nodded. “Yeah, ok. Thank you for apologizing. I really appreciate it. And I forgive you, Jess.”

“That’s it?” Jess was puzzled, nothing was going how he had expected it to this morning.

Luke frowned. “What else were you expecting? Do you feel like I owe you an apology, too? I apologized last night for offending you when I asked you whether you were watching TV, and I am sorry for that. I didn’t mean to sound like I was accusing you of anything.” Luke paused to collect his thoughts. “I know you’re upset about the book, but I can’t apologize for that. I know my communication skills need work, Jess. That’s on me. And I know I need help in improving them so I bought a book to help me learn how to be a better guardian to you. And I feel like it’s already helped. I feel like our communication has gotten better since I read it. So, I can’t apologize for that. Is that going to be a problem for you?”

“Uh, no. It’s not a problem. I wasn’t expecting an apology. I don’t think you owe me one. I’m not as pissed about the book anymore, anyway. You’re the first…uh…. parent-type person, I guess, who ever cared enough about trying to help me to read a how-to book on the subject. I can’t picture Liz ever doing anything like that when I was a kid. And I think you’re right, things have been better lately. I’m sorry I freaked out about the book, Luke. And I’m so sorry for all the things I said……You’ve been really good to me…..” Jess’ voice started to crack.

“Honestly, Jess, I forgive you. I do. It caught me off guard that the book upset you so much, but I know you must have been feeling hurt by it, because that’s what usually makes you lash out like that. Please just know that I read the book to improve my own behavior more than yours. I want to be able to help you and I don’t always feel like I know how to. Can you understand that?”

Jess nodded. “You were pretty good at staying calm. Even with everything I said…… I guess I have the book to thank for that, huh?”

Luke laughed. “I was probably better than I would have been before I read the book, but I still yelled more than I would have liked. I still need to work on that.”

Jess didn’t want to push, but he couldn’t help thinking that this had been too easy to really be over. He knew he deserved to be raked over the coals for the hurtful things he had said. “So, that’s really it? We’re ok? I don’t get a lecture on what a jerk I was? Or get my mouth washed out with soap or a one-way bus ticket out of Stars Hollow, or anything?”

Luke laughed. “Definitely no to the soap. I’m pretty sure that’s child abuse. And I’m not kicking you out because you lost your temper.” Luke’s expression became serious. “I think your temper is something you need to work on, Jess. For yourself. But you’ve apologized for what you said to me, and I’m not getting rid of you over it. And, anyway, you’re already grounded for another week…... As for the lecture, I’m guessing you didn’t get to chapter 11?”

“No, you came in before I could get that far. What’s chapter 11?”

“It’s the section on treating your teenager like an adult, accepting their apologies graciously when they know they’ve messed up, and not beating them over the head with their mistakes when they already know what they did wrong.”

“Huh….I guess that book isn’t so bad after all. Maybe I need to get a book on communication strategies for ungrateful teenage jerks dealing with guardians who are doing the best they can.”

Luke chuckled. “That sounds like a good one to put on your reading list. Maybe I’ll pick you up a copy for your birthday.”


	8. Birthday Blues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is set during the fall of Jess' senior year. He turns 18 with drama and angst. Luke does the best he can to help.
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing except my own obsession with Gilmore Girls.

Jess wasn’t even sure why he was doing this. He could blame it on a rough day at school. He was a month into his senior year, and he was still living up to his promise to Luke to go to class and do what he needed to do to graduate. He didn’t enjoy school or his classmates any more than he had last year, so every day was basically a rough day, but this one had felt especially hard. He’d been kept after class and spoken to by his English teacher regarding his attitude in class today, which hadn’t happened to him in a while. It had pissed him off and made him want to ditch the rest of his classes. He resisted the temptation, but just barely, and stuck it out in school, but his day did not improve from there. He had gotten into some minor pushing and shoving with Chuck Presby before last period. That guy always put Jess in a foul mood and today he had already been at his limit when that jerk refused to get out of his way in the hall. The PE teacher had pushed them apart before it had escalated into an actual fight and sent them off in separate directions, but hadn’t made them report to the principal, so at least Luke hadn’t been called. He had also felt particularly hassled at the diner during his shift after school, to the point that he had snapped at a customer when the woman complained that he had given her the wrong order, which he had. When Luke had apologized to the customer and reprimanded him behind the counter about his attitude, he had been resentful about being scolded in front of a diner full of people and his bad mood intensified. He could blame the day he had on his decision to break out the fake ID that he hadn’t used since leaving New York and drive over to a package store in Woodbridge after his shift at the diner and buy the bottle of Jack Daniels that he was currently working his way through as he sat alone in what he had come to think of as his thinking spot, perched on the edge of the bridge behind Stars Hollow High. But, if he was being honest with himself, which he was working on doing more of lately, he had to admit that his angry mood today had more to do with tomorrow being his birthday than it did with the irritations of school and work. 

Jess was turning eighteen in the morning. He had spent years living with Liz waiting for this day. Dreaming of a time when he was no longer a child and no one could stop him from leaving, and finally breaking free of his poor excuse for a mother. This day had loomed over his adolescence. Sometimes as a threat from Liz, when she would tell him how sick she was of him and his attitude and how she couldn’t wait until the day he turned eighteen so she could toss him out on the street and be done taking care of his ungrateful ass. Sometimes, it had been him throwing it in her face, screaming at her that he was counting down the days until he turned eighteen so he could get away from her for good. Get his own place and not have to watch her drink herself into a crying mess when she was alone or put up with some asshole guy pushing him around when she was in a relationship. He would walk out the door at eighteen and never look back. Either way, the day was wrapped up in ugly emotions for Jess, and linked to the concept that he would soon be out on his own to fend for himself with no family support. He knew a lot had changed since he’d moved to Stars Hollow. He wasn’t sure if his uncle even knew it was his birthday, and he was confident that Luke wasn’t going to boot his ass out on the street if he did. Luke wasn’t an asshole like that. He knew the idea was for him to stay with Luke until he graduated high school. But the thought of turning eighteen and technically becoming an adult still weighed heavily on Jess as a reminder that his time left with Luke carried an expiration date, one which no longer seemed so far off. He worried about what would happen when he graduated high school. Luke was going to give him the boot sometime, and that certainly seemed like the logical time to do it. He obviously couldn’t stay sharing a one room apartment with his uncle forever. But, he couldn’t see what the next step would be for him beyond getting out of Stars Hollow. Luke wanted him to go to college, but he really didn’t think he could do it. It took everything he had to sit through high school every day without exploding. And he was so close to being done. He didn’t think he could manage doing it all over again with college. And college costs money. Sure, Luke had offered to help Jess pay for it, but he knew he couldn’t take Luke’s money for college unless he was going to be serious about it. And he didn’t think he could be. He wanted to write and he didn’t need some professor telling him how to do that. But, no college left a large gaping hole in Jess’ future. He couldn’t see clearly when he tried to picture what his life would be after graduating high school. He wanted a path to follow, and the reassurance that Luke would still be in his life. He hadn’t seen Liz in the year since he left New York. Had barely spoken to her on the phone. And she was his own mother. He thought Luke liked him, but he didn’t know what that would mean once he’d moved out. He wasn’t sure whether Luke would want to keep in touch after he left, and if he did what it would look like. Would his uncle call him to talk and ask about how he was doing? Would he ask Jess back to visit? Still want to spend holidays with him? Would Luke still be interested in his day to day life? Or would his uncle view his obligation to care for his nephew as being over, and wish Jess well and send him on his way? Jess had always thought that he would be ready to be out on his own and take care of himself when he turned eighteen, but now that the time was upon him, he didn’t feel so grown-up, and wasn’t so eager for his independence. In the last year, he had finally been allowed to experience having someone take care of him and be there for him like a parent, and he wasn’t ready to give that up yet, even though he knew he was supposed to be at eighteen. Jess sighed and took another drink from his bottle. He knew this wasn’t helping, not really, but he couldn’t convince himself to toss the whiskey out and go back to Luke’s. He stayed in his thinking spot, drinking and contemplating the sorry state of his life, and feeling like this was somehow the appropriate way for him to enter adulthood. 

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Jess didn’t know how long he had been at the bridge, but it was dark now. Really dark. He wasn’t wearing a watch and had no way of knowing how late it was, but he was pretty sure it was past his eleven o’clock weeknight curfew. He also didn’t realize how very drunk he was until he tried to stand and almost ended up making his second swan dive into the lake. His legs did not seem to be working right. His balance was off. And for some reason this was cracking him up. He decided the best way to avoid taking an unwanted swim was to crawl off the bridge. He shifted onto his hands and knees and started to make his way slowly down the bridge toward the high school, feeling ahead of himself carefully with a hand before shifting his weight forward for each ‘step’. This struck him as funny, and he giggled as he crawled along. He was pretty sure he was drunk. He was also pretty sure Luke would know it, too, if he saw him. He would try to sneak in super quietly so as not to wake his uncle. He thought about what would happen if Luke was still awake, and couldn’t help but compare his uncle to some of the other men he had lived with over the years. He could think of a few of Liz’s guys that he would not have wanted to face in this condition. Not that he had ever really been drunk in New York. He had never had more than a beer or two before tonight. He thought of the man that Liz had been dating before he was shipped off, Jeff something or other. Angry was that guy’s default setting when it came to Jess. If he had been going home to face Jeff right now, he probably would have just slept outside to avoid a beating. He wouldn’t have been able to defend himself in this state, his legs not working right and all. Not for the first time, Jess thought about how grateful he was to be living with Luke. How lucky he was that Luke wasn’t a violent or aggressive person. He knew if Luke caught him coming home drunk, his uncle wouldn’t be happy, but at least Jess knew he would be safe. Plus, he was eighteen now, or would be in a few hours. It’s not like Luke could still ground him anymore. He was a grown up, not a kid now. They were no longer guardian and child, but just two adults sharing an apartment. Like roommates. Jess vaguely wondered if Luke would expect him to pay rent now. Like Liz had when he had turned sixteen and gotten his first after school job at the library. He could do that if Luke wanted. No problem. Jess had crawled his way to the end of the bridge and knew he should try to stand again now that he was on solid ground. He briefly entertained the idea of crawling all the way back to the diner and up the stairs to the apartment where he would bark like a dog until his uncle opened the door to let him in, maybe with a pat on the head and a ‘Good boy’. This sent him into a fit of giggles. Once his hilarity subsided, he staggered to his feet to get himself the rest of the way home.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Jess was on his second attempt to unlock the door to the diner, when it suddenly pulled away from him. He lurched forward into the diner at the loss of support, falling into his uncle, who caught him against his chest and righted him back onto his feet. “Oops!” Jess giggled. “Oops is so funny, right? Who says oops?”

Luke was still supporting Jess with his hands around his upper arms. His expression turned from worry to surprise. “Jess, are you drunk?” He didn’t really need an answer. The kid smelled like a bar.

“Maybe, just a little. A teeny tiny bit.” Jess held up his thumb and forefinger an inch apart to illustrate his point.

Luke moved the boy away from the entrance, and closed and locked the door. He turned back to his nephew, letting himself be angry now that he knew the boy was ok. “What the hell, Jess? Where were you? Where did you get the alcohol?”

“The alcohol? It came from the alcohol store. That’s where the alcohol lives.” Jess giggled. “C’mon, Luke. Everybody knows that.”  
“What alcohol – what liquor store sold to you? Anybody in town would know you’re not twenty-one.”

“I went over to Woodbridge. To the alcohol store there. They were not at all discriminating.” Jess put on an exaggerated disappointed expression and shook his head at Woodbridge and its loose morals in selling to minors.

“Jess, did you drive to Woodbridge?” Luke could feel his anger rising. If Jess had driven himself home in this state, he was going to kill him.

“Of course, I did. Woodbridge is far and I have wheels now, remember?” Jess responded like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Luke took an angry step forward into Jess’ personal space, his voice raised in panic, “You drove yourself home like this! What in the hell is wrong with you? You could have killed someone, Jess!”

Jess instinctively threw up his arms to protect his face and cowered away from Luke. “No! Listen! Please! I drove to Woodbridge. Bought it there. And drank it here. In Stars Hollow. At the bridge. All driving was sober driving. I swear!”

Luke immediately felt like a bully and took a quick step back. He hated that he had made Jess revert to a fear response, shrinking away from him and shielding himself from expected assault. He wanted Jess to always feel safe with him, no matter what he had done, but the idea of Jess doing something as stupid and dangerous as driving drunk had sent Luke into such an instant rage that he had momentarily forgotten this basic tenet of his Jess rearing philosophy. It unnerved him how close he had been to grabbing the boy by his shirt front and shaking him hard. Luke tried to calm himself down. 

Jess lowered his arms, and sniffed once. “Sorry for making you mad, Luke.” He paused as if trying to remember something. “Oh, I can pay you rent if you want! Now that I’m eighteen. Like I used to with Liz. Whatever you want.” Jess smiled broadly throwing his arms out to either side, proud of himself for thinking of this, as though the offer would placate Luke and distract his uncle from his anger over Jess’ drunken state.

“What are you talking about?” Luke looked at Jess confused. “You know what. Never mind. It’s late, and you have school tomorrow. You need to get to bed. We’ll talk about this in the morning. And, make no mistake, my friend, you are getting up and going to school……” Luke looked down at his watch, “in less than five hours. And I don’t want to hear any crap from you when it’s time to get up.”

Jess headed toward the stairs, and stopped short so suddenly that Luke, who was following behind him, almost plowed him over. “Jesus Christ, Jess! What now?”

Jess looked back at Luke, his expression earnest, “And, I still live here tomorrow, right?”

Luke sighed. “Of course, you do, Jess. You live here every day. Now, get upstairs and get to bed. Let’s go.”

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Luke walked over to Jess’ bed again and addressed the prone form lying beneath the mess of quilts. He had already come up from the diner twice this morning to wake the boy, with no apparent results, and he was starting to get really ticked off. “Jess, you better get up and get ready for school. I mean it.” He swatted his nephew on his blanket covered behind none too gently for emphasis, eliciting a muffled groan from the boy. “I’m not playing with you, Jess.” 

Without opening his eyes, or lifting his face from the pillow, Jess responded in a hoarse voice, “I’m sick. Go away if you can’t be nice.”

“You’re not sick! You’re hungover! And you’re going to school. Now, get up!” Luke landed a second swat, a little harder this time.

“Ow. Stop, I’m too nauseous for all this child abuse.” Jess shifted onto his back to protect himself from further onslaught and to better see his uncle, who didn’t seem to be going away this time, and the movement made his stomach lurch and the room spin for a moment. He brought a hand up to rub his pounding head. He felt like crap.

“I think you need to check your math there, my friend. You turn eighteen today, making you a responsible adult, not a child. A responsible adult who is not skipping school because he has a hangover. Got it?” 

“Seriously, why are you being such a jerk?” Jess squinted against the light as he looked up at his uncle. “I don’t feel well. The last time I was this sick, you had sympathy. You were so nice to me. You held my hair while I puked. Remember?” Jess wheedled. “Where’d that guy go? Let’s get him back over here, ‘kay?” He closed his eyes, hoping Luke would take the hint and let him sleep.

“The last time you were ‘sick,’ you had a stomach flu. You deserved nice. This time you’re just hungover.”

“I still feel like shit.”

“You brought this on yourself. There are consequences for your actions, you know.” Looking down at his nephew, who was rubbing his temples and wincing in discomfort, it did seem to Luke that that boy was already suffering the consequences of his actions. And he did feel pity. Luke knew that letting Jess skip one day of school wasn’t a big deal. The kid was in no shape to pay attention in class, anyway. But, he felt like the bigger issue was not indulging this kind of behavior. Not from Jess. He knew his nephew was statistically more likely to develop a substance abuse problem than the average kid. Because of Liz. He’d read articles suggesting the link was due to genetic predisposition toward addiction in the children of alcoholics and others blaming the connection on the addictive behavior that had been modeled for them during their formative years. Whatever the cause, Luke recognized this was a high-risk area for Jess. After helping his drunk nephew to bed the night before, or early that morning really, Luke had laid awake in his own bed contemplating how he should handle the situation the next day. He felt like he needed to be firm about this, to come down hard on Jess and make it clear that drinking, especially to the point of getting as drunk as he’d been when he stumbled in at two o’clock in the morning, would not be tolerated. The state the boy had woken up in had already forced him to temper his reaction this morning. At this point, he was considering just letting Jess go back to bed and saving the serious conversation for when the boy was more capable of taking in anything he said. “Is this your first hangover, Jess?”

“Yes…...and if I knew how bad it was going to be, I never would have gotten drunk.” Jess really was surprised at the severity of his pain and discomfort. It’s not like he hadn’t seen Liz go through this exact situation so many times over the course of his childhood. And it’s not like he thought she’d been lying about how miserable she felt, but he had always suspected her of being a little dramatic, preying on his sympathies to get him to bring her water and aspirin, make her something to eat, clean up, or do whatever else she wanted him to when she was lying in bed incapacitated from the night before. When Luke didn’t say anything, Jess continued, slowly, his head pounding with every word. “Yesterday, you know, before I became a responsible adult......I would have gotten up and let you think I was headed to school, and then snuck back up to bed while you were in the diner.” Jess closed his eyes and paused to brace himself against a wave of nausea. “But today, as a newly minted responsible adult……I’m being honest and asking you directly. Can I please stay home? It’s Friday. I don’t have any tests. I won’t miss anything that will hold me back for life, I promise.” Jess waited for Luke to speak and when he didn’t, he opened his eyes to see his uncle staring at him thoughtfully. He was pretty sure he had him. It’s not that his uncle was a pushover, exactly, but he knew Luke would temper justice with mercy and not insist on teaching him a lesson that would pile on to his already substantial suffering. “It’s not like I’m going to get anything out of my classes today, anyway. I know you’re pissed and you want to teach me a lesson for this, and believe me, I know I deserve it, but I swear I can learn my lesson lying here feeling miserable. I know I was stupid. It was just a really bad night for me. I won’t do it again. Please.” 

Luke’s compassion won out against the logical part of his mind, the part that felt that Jess needed to experience reaping what he’d sown. He sighed, “All right, Jess, you can stay home. I’ll call you in sick.”

The look of relief and gratitude that washed over Jess’ face made Luke feel better about his decision. He knew his nephew hadn’t had the most comfortable childhood, and had experienced some pretty rough handling from the adults in his life. It always made him feel good when he treated his nephew gentler and with more care than the boy had been expecting. “Thanks, Luke. Seriously.” Jess snuggled deeper into the covers.

Luke leaned over the bed and ran his hand over Jess’ head, pushing his sweaty hair back off his forehead. “You need anything before I head out, Jess?”

“Uh-uh, I’m good.” Sleep was already creeping into his voice.

“Ok,” Luke stood back up, still looking at his nephew, hoping he was doing the right thing. He had been worried about Jess having issues with alcohol and drugs when the boy had first come to live with him. Liz had been so vague about what kind of trouble he’d been in in New York and it had made sense, growing up as he had with drugs and alcohol in the house and a less than vigilant parent watching over him, that Jess would have developed a habit of his own. Aside from trying to sneak a beer when Luke had taken Jess to dinner at Lorelai’s house back when he had first arrived, Luke had never seen evidence of Jess using any substance other than cigarettes. Luke had made him quit smoking early on and had done his best to watch out for signs of substance abuse, but had never found anything to be concerned with in that area. Jess never came home with alcohol on his breath, or smelling like pot. He had never even snuck a beer from Luke’s own supply in the refrigerator. He had thought the worst was over when he had dealt with Jess’ issues with school. Now, he had a new concern to keep him up at night. He knew he needed to be tough about this. He needed to make Jess understand what a bad idea this was for him, and that this crap was going to stop now. “I’m going downstairs now. I won’t be back until after the lunch shift, around two o’clock. You and I are going to have a serious talk about your behavior then. You better be up and ready. You hear me?”

“Hmmm…..I hear you. Up and ready to get chewed out by two…...got it…...” Jess’ response trailed off as he started to drift off to sleep. 

Luke sighed as he watched the boy sleep for a moment, then walked into the bathroom and grabbed the aspirin from the medicine cabinet. He stopped by the kitchen to pull a bottle of Gatorade out of the refrigerator and set both on Jess’ nightstand before heading back down to the diner to call the school before the breakfast rush got going. He hoped he was doing the right thing by letting Jess sleep off his hangover. He knew he couldn’t dwell on that decision all morning. He needed to focus on the conversation he still had to have with Jess, and figure out what he was going to say to his nephew that afternoon. 

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The next thing Jess knew, there was a hand rubbing circles on his back, gently nudging him awake. When he opened his eyes, he saw Luke sitting on the edge of his bed. The concerned look on his uncle’s face turned into a small but warm smile when he met Jess’ eyes and realized the boy was awake. Jess’ first thoughts were that this was a much better way to be woken up than the method his uncle had tried that morning, followed closely by how good it felt that Luke was still happy to see him and being gentle with him despite the trouble he was in from his behavior the night before. He briefly wondered if this was what unconditional love felt like, still feeling wanted by someone even when you’ve messed up. “What time is it?” Jess’ voice was a dry croak.

“It’s a little after two o’clock.” Luke gave Jess a light pat on the back before standing up, his expression serious now. “I told you we needed to talk when I came back. You were supposed to be up.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I forgot to set the alarm before I went back to bed this morning. Give me five minutes?” Jess was rubbing his eyes and starting to sit up.

“How are you feeling?”

“Much better than earlier. Thanks for the aspirin and Gatorade. I’m pretty sure they saved my life.” 

“Glad to hear it.” Luke smiled. “All right, go use the bathroom and do whatever you need to do. You hungry? Want some eggs and toast?”

“Yeah, that sounds good. Thanks.”

“I want you at the kitchen table in five minutes.”

Jess nodded and dragged himself out of bed and made his way over to the bathroom. He relieved his bladder and brushed his teeth. He stunk like whiskey and sweat and badly needed a shower, but he didn’t want to keep Luke waiting. His uncle appeared to be in a much better mood than he had been in earlier that morning and Jess wanted to keep it that way.

When Jess emerged from the bathroom a few minutes later, Luke was adding toast to a plate of scrambled eggs. Jess sat down at the table at the spot that had already been set with a napkin, a knife and fork and another bottle of Gatorade, and waited for his uncle, feeling a little nervous about the upcoming conversation.

Luke set the plate of food in front of Jess and then sat down at the table in a seat opposite his nephew. 

Jess didn’t immediately touch his food. “Look, Luke, I –“

“How about you eat and I talk?” Luke cut him off sharply. Jess looked at his uncle in surprise and nodded wordlessly. He picked up his fork and speared a piece of egg, looking down at his plate.

“What you did last night is totally unacceptable, Jess. You are not going to drink or do drugs of any kind. It’s illegal and it’s dangerous, and getting as drunk as you did last night was just plain stupid. When you let yourself get that out of control, you run the risk of all kinds of bad things happening. You are not going to put yourself in danger like that again. You are not going to stay out until all hours of the night worrying me sick. Your curfew will keep being eleven on weeknights and midnight on weekends. I know you turn eighteen today, but these rules will still apply while you live here. You are not going down the same road that your mother did. You’re not. I won’t let you. Do you understand me?” 

Luke hadn’t raised his voice at all, but his tone was harsher than Jess was accustomed to having Luke direct at him. He felt the normal quickening of his pulse that he always got when Luke was angry with him, the leftover trigger response to angry men that he had developed over years of dealing with Liz’s boyfriends, but he also felt a new response, the sharp heat behind his eyes that always preceded the start of tears. He was embarrassed to be on the verge of crying when Luke hadn’t yelled or even punished him, but he knew the scolding had been so effective because it had brought his worst fear into the light, one he didn’t even acknowledge to himself except in his darkest moments, the fear of ending up like Liz. As much as he normally acted superior to Liz, and dismissed her as weak and pathetic for not being able to manage her own life without loser men and alcohol and pot, he couldn’t help but see similarities to where he was now and where she had been at his age. At eighteen she had left home and cut ties with her family to live on her own terms. She’d gotten pregnant and Jimmy had left and she had ended up all by herself with no support system. Luke had tried to help her at first, but she had pulled away from him, too, routinely changing addresses and phone numbers without updating him, until he had lost track of where she and Jess were. On her own, life had proven too much for her and she had turned to substance abuse to both cope with the stress and as a method of self-sabotage. Aside from not having a baby to drag around with him, Jess’ life would be pretty similar once he graduated high school and moved out of Luke’s apartment. He would be alone in the world, with no real family support. He would be struggling to eat and pay rent with a high school education and minimum wage jobs. He would likely change phone numbers and addresses, too, out of necessity, and it would be on him to keep in touch with Luke if he wanted to preserve that connection. He could easily see himself pulling away from Luke in order to avoid the pain of Luke deciding he was too much hassle, or just forgetting about him altogether, and pulling away from him first. He would be stressed and unhappy and who knows what he would end up turning to for relief. He knew he had a history of sabotaging himself, too, having learned from watching Liz early on that sometimes it was the easier and safer option than trying and failing. No matter what else he wanted from his life, he knew that deep down he couldn’t really envision his life turning out any way other than like Liz’s and that terrified him. In retrospect, he felt like the previous night had been an experimental first step down the path that was pulling him along in Liz’s footsteps.

“Jess?” Luke had planned to berate the boy for longer about the stupidity of his choices from the night before, but he saw the tears that had formed in his nephew’s eyes and he felt that he had already gotten through to him. He knew Jess was bright enough to know how stupid it was to get as drunk as he had. He didn’t see a point in beating a dead horse.

Jess was pulled out of his thoughts, back to facing his very stern looking uncle. He nodded, not trusting himself to say much without crying. “I understand. I’m sorry. It was really stupid……I won’t do it again.” He reached up and wiped one eye with the back of his hand.

“Do I have your word, Jess? No more drinking?”

Another nod, “Yeah. I promise.”

“All right, I’m going to hold you to that, Jess. If anything like last night ever happens again, I promise you, you will not like the consequences.” Luke got up and walked past Jess’ chair, giving the boy’s shoulder a light squeeze as he passed. He went into his own room where Jess could hear him open and close his dresser drawer. Jess worked on composing himself, and felt that he had his tears under control by the time Luke returned and placed a small package wrapped in colorful paper on the table by Jess’ plate.

Jess looked at it quizzically, “What’s that?”

Luke smirked. “I guess it’s true what they say about alcohol killing brain cells. It’s your birthday, Jess, and it’s a wrapped box. Gee, whatever could it be?”

“You’re giving me a birthday present? Even after last night?”

“Of course, I’m giving you a birthday present. It’s your birthday, Jess.”

Jess was still staring at the package, looking confused, so Luke continued. “I think you’re confusing birthdays with Christmas. There’s no naughty list for birthdays. You survive another year, you get a present. That’s how it works.” Luke was smiling at his nephew now, and gave the gift a small push closer to the boy. “Are you going to open it or just keep looking at it?”

Jess gave his uncle a small smile and picked up the present. Getting a birthday present, or celebrating his birthday at all, had been at best a sporadic occurrence during Jess’ life, depending on Liz’ mental state each year when the date rolled around. He was touched that Luke had remembered and had bought him something. 

Jess gently peeled the wrapping paper from the small box. When he had gotten the wrapping off and the box open, he was shocked to be staring at a cell phone. Nothing too over the top fancy, but a perfectly functional cell phone. He looked up at his uncle. “You got me a cell phone?”

“Yeah,” Luke started out, looking a little nervous. “I know you’re not big on cell phones, and you don’t like the idea of people being able to track you down anywhere. But, well, I do like that idea. I like it a lot. Especially when it’s two a.m. and I have no idea where you are.” Jess broke eye contact, looking down at the phone in his hand, embarrassed. “Not that I bought it because of last night,” Luke was quick to add. “It’s not because of that. I bought it a couple of weeks ago. I just thought it was a good idea for you to have one, you know, in general. I also thought it would come in handy after you graduate high school. Whether you’re in college or wherever. I want to know that I can always reach you.” Luke was trying to gauge Jess’ reaction, but the boy hadn’t looked back up yet. “Not to hassle you or keep tabs on you, or anything. But, to check in. Make sure you’re ok. See how you’re doing. That kind of thing.” Jess still hadn’t looked up or acknowledged what he was saying. “And, it’ll be good to have in case of emergencies. If your car breaks down. Things like that.” Still nothing from Jess. “And I got myself one, too, and put you on my bill as part of a family plan, so you don’t have to worry about that. I’ll take care of the bill every month. You just need to pick up when I call you. Ok?”

Jess knew he needed to look up and at least thank his uncle. This was a generous and thoughtful gift, the best thing he could have received right now. It was reassurance that Luke still wanted him in his life after he inevitably moved out of the apartment. That Luke was envisioning a future for their relationship that would last beyond Jess’ time in Stars Hollow. Maybe for the rest of his life. Like real family. Luke wasn’t going to let him pull away and slip through the cracks, like Liz had. In truth, he wasn’t as against cell phones as he said he was. He had just never seen a point because he didn’t have many people to stay in touch with, and even less that he actually cared about maintaining a connection to. He could feel tears pricking his eyes now, but he didn’t feel like he could avoid his uncle any longer without appearing ungrateful. He looked up with damp eyes and a small smile, “Thanks, Luke. This is great. Really.”

Luke smiled back. “I’m glad you’re ok with it. Really. It will make me feel so much better knowing you have it.”

Jess nodded back, not sure what to say to that.

“And, uh, you will actually answer when I call you, right?” Luke prompted hesitantly.

“I will. I promise to always pick up when you call me.” Jess smiled at the pleased look on his uncle’s face, realizing Luke had no idea how much it meant to him to know that Luke intended to do the same.


	9. Good Boy, That One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set in the fall of Jess' senior year. Jess learns about Luke's 'dark day' and tries to help.
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing except my own obsession with Gilmore Girls.

Jess could tell something was wrong. Luke had been a little off all day. He couldn’t deny that his uncle’s normal demeanor fell somewhere on the grumpy end of the spectrum, and it often appeared that people in general, and his customers especially, seemed to irritate the man to no end. But today seemed different. Today, instead of internalizing his irritation or muttering under his breath, Luke was snapping at people, in actual anger. Jess first noticed this when he himself had reported for his shift a measly seven minutes late and had been told that if he couldn’t manage to be on time and show some respect for his job, Luke would fire him and find someone who could. Jess had been taken aback by the intensity of the reprimand for such a small offense, and automatically shot something back about not needing this job anyway. That he could take more shifts at Walmart and make more money there if Luke didn’t insist on him pulling his weight in the diner. Luke had told him to shut his mouth, fix his attitude and start clearing tables. It’s not like Luke wasn’t usually on Jess’ case about pretty much everything, all the time. But his scolding was usually geared toward trying to get Jess to improve his behavior and act like a responsible adult, instead of just using his nephew as an outlet for his own anger. Having been the punching bag on the receiving end of other people’s anger many times in his life, Jess could recognize the difference, and it didn’t feel right. It didn’t feel like Luke. Luke was always happy to see Jess when he came in. He got annoyed, often and loudly, but he was always slow to real anger. And he didn’t try to make Jess feel bad without a better reason than a few minutes of tardiness. Jess supposed Luke was entitled to a bad day every once in a while, just like everyone else. He resolved to do his best to stay out of his uncle’s way for the remainder of his shift until Luke’s bad mood had blown over. But, as the afternoon wore on and turned into evening, Luke’s temper grew to the point that Jess could practically see a dark cloud of negative energy sparking and crackling over the man’s head as he moved through the diner, being short and snappish with customers who took too long to order or tried to make small talk, haranguing Caesar for moving too slow or making mistakes on orders, and getting irritated and frustrated at the slightest of provocations. 

Luke’s anger reached a crescendo during the dinner rush. Jess had been refilling water glasses and hadn’t heard his uncle step behind him to deliver an order to the next table. The boy had turned away from his table and smacked right into his uncle’s back, the impact knocking the glass water pitcher from Jess’ hand and sending it crashing to the floor. The diner went silent. Jess instantly froze, staring down at the mess of broken glass and water on the floor. He raised his eyes with dread as his uncle turned toward him. So much for staying out of the man’s way. “Jesus Christ, Jess! What the hell is your problem today? It’s like you can’t do anything right!” Jess didn’t feel that he was the one with the problem today, but he knew better than to voice that thought right then. He focused on trying to calm his quickening pulse and braced himself to take the humiliation of whatever Luke was going to give him in front of this crowd of onlookers. He didn’t want to get into an argument. He had ridden out worse moods from worse men in his life, and he just wanted to get through this shift and get some space from Luke without anything too damaging to their relationship happening. Luke seemed to become aware of all the eyes on him then, especially Jess,’ which were wide with alarm. He sighed. “It’s ok, Jess.” His tone still terse, but much gentler now. “Why don’t you go get the broom and clean this up, please?” Jess didn’t need to be asked twice, and went in the back to find the broom. He noticed his hand was trembling slightly as he reached for the broom. He sighed, grabbing the broom more firmly, and headed back out to the dining room.

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Later, after Jess had cleaned up the broken pitcher, he was serving Miss Patty a slice of peach pie when the woman put a hand on his arm to keep him in place, slightly bent over the table. She leaned toward him. “Don’t let Luke bother you today.” She lowered her voice. “You can’t take what he said personally. He’s just in a mood because tomorrow is the thirtieth. You understand that, right, Honey?” Jess stared in confusion at the knowing expression on Miss Patty’s face. She was clearly expecting recognition from him, but he had none to offer. He quickly racked his brain for the significance of November thirtieth, but came up with nothing. “You know,” she whispered, looking around to make sure Luke was still behind the counter on the other side of the room, “his dark day.”

“His what now?” Jess’ interest was piqued. He usually made it a point to dismiss anything Miss Patty said, since most of it was too sexual for his comfort, but if she could shed light on Luke’s angry mood, he was all ears.

“His dark day.” She repeated, as if saying it in a more dramatic and hushed tone would give him additional insight. “November thirtieth. The anniversary of the passing of his father, your grandfather. It’s a difficult day for him, and every year he shuts down the diner and leaves town for the day.” Miss Patty was still looking up at Jess, but he had refocused his gaze, staring thoughtfully at his uncle, who was currently cashing out a customer at the register. “I’m sorry, Sweetie. I thought you knew. Being his family and all.”

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Jess was closing down the dining room, still contemplating what he had learned that night. He felt bad for Luke. He couldn’t imagine how painful it would be to lose someone you loved to such an extent that you were still morning their loss almost twenty years later. Partly, because he couldn’t imagine having someone in his life like that to begin with. He honestly didn’t hate Liz anymore, not the way he had when he was younger, but he knew that if she died before he did, it wouldn’t hurt the way the death of a loved parent should. He wouldn’t be devastated by the loss of what he had. His grief would center on the loss of potential for the chance at a future relationship with a cleaned up, stable version of Liz. And, logically, he knew the chance of Liz being able to get her act together enough for them to have a decent relationship was a very slim one. And, he didn’t know Jimmy at all. His own father. He probably wouldn’t even hear about it when Jimmy died. The guy could be already gone for all he knew. The closest person he had, the person whose death would weigh the heaviest on Jess and leave the biggest hole in his life, was Luke himself. He was pretty sure he loved his uncle. Had been for a while, even if he had never said it. And, he had gotten accustomed to having someone care about him. Someone who always made Jess’ needs and feelings a priority. He didn’t want to put words in Luke’s mouth, but he felt like maybe his uncle loved him, too. He was probably the only person who really did. He tried to envision how it would feel to have Luke yanked away from him now. 

He thought back to how much had changed in the just over a year that he had been living in Stars Hollow. He tried to remember Luke’s ‘dark day’ from the year before. He had already been living with his uncle at that point, but he had kept his distance back then, staying out late, physically avoiding the man as much as he could, hiding in a book when he couldn’t. He remembered Luke asking him if he wanted to go fishing one day last fall. Had that been November thirtieth? It could have been. Jess couldn’t remember how he had turned down the invitation, but he knew back then it had probably involved a blank stare or a snarky response. He mostly remembered being glad to have the apartment all to himself for a change, while his uncle had been away and the diner had been closed. If Luke had been in a bad mood in the days surrounding the thirtieth last year, Jess hadn’t known the man well enough to notice, or cared enough to pay attention. He was determined to do better by his uncle this year. He knew that if he was going through a tough time, Luke would be there for him, trying to help him however he could. He thought back to all the ways Luke had been there for him when he had needed someone. Taking care of him when he was sick. Lying to spare his feelings about Liz not wanting him home for Christmas. Remembering his birthday. Pushing him to get his shit together at school. Holding him accountable for his actions and making him behave more responsibly. All the home cooked meals. The roof over his head. The pats on the back. Making him feel wanted every day. And safe. Like he mattered to someone. And always treating him with more kindness and gentleness than he needed to. He knew he could probably never repay Luke completely for everything he had done for him, but he wanted to start returning some of those favors. He was an adult now. It shouldn’t be so one-sided anymore, with Luke always taking care of him. He wanted to help Luke through tomorrow, just as he knew Luke would do for him if the situation was reversed. He just wasn’t sure how.

Luke walked into the dining room, flipping off the kitchen light behind him. “The grill is all set. You just about done out here?”

Jess nodded, as he finished sweeping the floor and emptied the full dustbin into the trash. “Yeah, I just have to take this out,” he tipped his head toward the trash, “and then we’re good.” 

“Ok…...Hey, Jess, I’m sorry for yelling at you earlier. When you were late and then when you broke the water pitcher. You didn’t do anything wrong. You were barely even late, and I know the pitcher was an accident. It could have just as easily happened to me. I’ve been in a really bad mood all day, but it has nothing to do with you, and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. Especially not in front of everyone like that. I know I must have embarrassed you, and I’m sorry.” 

Jess kept his gaze down as he tied the trash bag closed. “It’s ok, Luke.” 

“It’s really not. You’re a pretty great kid, and you don’t deserve to be treated like that.”

Jess’ mouth formed a small smile, and he looked up at his uncle. “All right. It’s not ok, but I forgive you anyway.” Jess shrugged. “Everyone has bad days every once in a while. You’ve definitely put up with a lot of mine. And I can’t remember the last time you snapped at me, so it’s not like yours happen all that often.” Jess’ smile widened into a grin. “I’m confident that our relationship is strong enough at this point to get past this incident intact.”

Luke chuckled. “I can’t tell if you’re being a wise-ass or not, but thanks anyway.”

“I’m never a wise-ass. You must be projecting. But, I mean it. You don’t have to worry about us. We’re good.”

Luke smiled at his nephew. “Hey, so I’m not opening the diner tomorrow. I’m going to head out to the lake and do some fishing. I’ll probably be back home by late afternoon, or early evening. You’ll be ok here by yourself, right?”

Jess knew he needed to actually be with Luke tomorrow in order to be any comfort to his uncle. He tried to sound nonchalant, as if the idea just popped into his head when he responded, “Oh, yeah? You want any company?”

Luke looked at Jess in surprise, watching his nephew pull the cinched trash bag out of the bin and set it by the door. He chuckled. “Yeah? You offering? I thought you hated fishing.”

“I don’t know where you got that idea. I’ve never been fishing in my life. How would I know if I hated it?”

“I seem to remember when I asked you if you wanted to come last year, that you called fishing the redneck equivalent of watching paint dry. You asked if I was going to go all out and hit up a tractor pull while I was at it, and if I had enough Redman or Copenhagen to get me through the day.” Luke laughed at the memory. “Jeez, remember what a little shit you were back then?” Luke asked fondly.

Jess felt a flash of embarrassment at being reminded of his attitude toward his uncle when he had first arrived in Stars Hollow. “Yeah, unfortunately, I do. Thanks for keeping me around, anyway.”

Luke smiled at the boy. “I’m glad you stayed. I really like having you here, you know.”

Jess smirked. “You’re not too terrible to be around either. So, what do you say? Can I come tomorrow? I mean, if you’re having a secret rendezvous at the lake with some attractive fisherwoman that you only meet up with once a year…...well, I obviously don’t want to stand in your way, since I’m pretty sure you haven’t gotten any action since I moved in and all. And even at your advanced age, I’m sure a man still has some needs……But, if you’re going by yourself and want company at the ol’ fishin’ hole, I’d be happy to tag along so that you don’t get too bored waiting for the fish to bite.”

Luke felt himself relaxing for the first time all day. “Ok, nephew. Since, you’re suddenly so keen on the idea of fishing, you can come. But, we’re leaving at five thirty sharp. If I have to wake you more than twice, I’m leaving without you. Got it?”

“Understood. I will be up and ready to kill some fish.”

“Good. Now, go take the trash out so we can close up.” Luke leaned back against the front of the counter, crossing his arms over his chest to wait.

“Are you going to wear one of those crazy hats with all the lures hanging on it, like bugs bunny does when he goes fishing? I have to admit, seeing that’s a big part of the draw for me.” Jess hefted the trash bags, and looked back over his shoulder as he opened the door, “Ooh, can I be the one to hang the ‘Gone Fishin’ sign on the diner door? That would be a fun new experience for a city boy like me!”

Luke smiled, “I think you’re confusing my life with a rerun of The Andy Griffith Show. Again.” Jess let Luke get the last word. He smiled and disappeared out the door with the trash bags, feeling accomplished that he had helped put his uncle in a better mood than the one he had found him in.

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Jess looked out over the lake, watching the sunlight reflecting on the surface. He tried to remember the last time he had been up before sunrise. He hadn’t wanted to get up when Luke had woken him around five o’clock. He had gone through the motions of dressing, washing his face and brushing his teeth in a sleepy haze. He hadn’t bothered to gel his hair, but had had the presence of mind to grab the bottle for grooming himself in the rearview mirror later. After the nap he had planned on taking as soon as he was in the truck. They had driven for the first half an hour or so in the dark, Jess dozing in the passenger seat. A little past six o’clock, Luke nudged Jess’ shoulder to wake him, and the boy opened his eyes to find the truck pulled off the road at a lookout point. The darkness was starting to lift, slowly at first, then seemingly all at once, as the sun rose, temporarily drenching the Naugatuck Valley in warm oranges, reds and yellows. The entire valley had glowed like fire for a moment with the colorful autumn foliage reflecting light. Jess had watched in quiet amazement, having never seen anything like it. After the moment had passed and the sun had taken its place in the sky, Luke had steered the truck back onto the road, telling Jess that that was his favorite place to watch the sunrise, and he hadn’t wanted Jess to miss it. That it wasn’t a fishing trip unless you saw the sunrise. Sitting here with Luke, settled into camping chairs on the dock, enjoying the view of the lake, Jess reflected on how glad he was that he had bothered to get up early. He had come out here for Luke, of course, but he felt like the sunrise had been for him, a memory that he knew he would hold onto for a long time to come.

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Luke looked over to where Jess sat, slumped down in his chair, eyes closed, pole laying across his lap, loosely held in one hand. It was late-morning now and they had been at it for a few hours. Jess had stayed awake for most of it, at first being taught the basics of fishing, and then responding to Luke’s questions about school, his job at Wal-Mart, whether he had given any more thought to college or life after high school. Luke didn’t know if it was just being in a different setting, or the lack of interruptions from their day to day life, but he felt like Jess had answered his questions more openly than he usually did, telling Luke actual stories about the people and situations he came across at school and work, instead of providing short, superficial responses like he sometimes did when he got annoyed with Luke’s questions in general or wanted to shut down a particular line of questioning. Jess had even asked Luke questions about his own life. The conversation had felt very comfortable, and it reminded Luke of being out here with his dad when he had been Jess’ age. He realized this was what parents meant when they talked about quality time in reverent tones. He could understand why it was considered so precious. He spent a lot of time with Jess, but so much of it was in the diner when they were both rushing around working. He knew he needed to make time for more stuff like this. The boy would likely be gone in less than a year, and he wanted to fill the end of the boy’s ‘childhood’ with as many good memories as he could. And it didn’t always have to be his stuff, although he would love to take Jess to Fenway, even just once. He wanted to find stuff for them to do together that Jess was interested in, too. He just needed to figure out what that would be. For starters, he decided to take him to the huge two-story Barnes and Noble off the highway on the drive home. He could give the kid some money for books, get himself an issue of Sports Illustrated to read on a bench outside and let his nephew look around undisturbed for as long as he wanted. He knew Jess would enjoy that. And Jess deserved something for himself today. 

“How’s it going over there, nephew? Any bites yet?” 

Jess opened his eyes at his uncle’s voice, yawned slowly and looked around. “Huh, oh.” He picked up his pole and reeled in his line a little, checking for any resistance like Luke had showed him. “Nope. Nothing yet. Sorry I fell asleep.”

Luke smiled. “It’s ok, Jess. I know this isn’t very exciting for you.” Luke still didn’t really understand why the boy had been so set on coming. Not that he minded. He was having a good day, by far the best November thirtieth he had had since before the date had become significant, and he knew that was entirely due to Jess’ presence, at the lake and in his life. But, he just didn’t get it. It didn’t even seem like Jess had thought through the whole fishing aspect. At the bait shop on the way to the lake, Jess had been offended at the idea of using live bait because he didn’t want to torture the worms. When Luke had explained how much less likely he would be to catch a fish without it, Jess had looked at him blankly as if he was only just processing the concept that the goal of today’s activity was to kill fish. He said he would take his chances and if he didn’t catch anything, he would just buy himself a filet o’ fish sandwich on the way home. Luke had bought sufficient live bait in case Jess changed his mind, but he had also bought the boy his own lure, a plastic, gummy creation in the shape of a worm. Then he had offered to buy the boy a hat for him to attach his lure to for safekeeping. “So, how come you wanted to come today anyway? Not that I’m complaining.” Luke quickly added. “It’s been great having you along. I’m just curious at the sudden interest.”

Jess took a moment before answering. He had been debating whether he should play dumb and just be here for Luke, or if he should explain what he knew. He decided to go with the latter, partly because he thought it might open the door for Luke to talk about his dad if he wanted to, and also because he felt that lying to his uncle and not acknowledging the real reason he came would be a cop out. “I don’t know. I mean, I know what today is, and I guess I just wanted to be here for you, so you wouldn’t have to be alone.” Jess kept facing forward, his eyes on the lake.

He could hear the surprise in Luke’s response without looking at him. “Oh. Uh. Wow. That’s....that was really…… thoughtful of you.”

Jess shrugged off the praise, still watching the lake. “It’s what you would do for me.” He waited for Luke to say something, but nothing came. He couldn’t bring himself to make eye contact, even though he wasn’t sure how to interpret the silence without it. 

Luke cleared his throat. “Thanks, Jess. Really. That means a lot.” His voice sounding thick and off, letting Jess know he had made the right decision to not look at his uncle. They were both silent for a moment.

“So, did you used to come out here with him a lot? Is that how you got into fishing?” Jess wasn’t sure whether he should refer to the man as Luke’s dad or as his own grandfather.

“Yeah, my dad took me fishing a lot when I was a kid. Fishing and baseball were our two things, I guess. The two things we did together the most. And, at the end, when he was sick, and he couldn’t work or do much else, I’d bring him out here and we’d just sit here for hours. Not really catching much. Just enjoying being here, I guess.”

“What was he like? I don’t really know anything about my grandparents. Liz never talked about them much.”

Luke took a moment to collect his thoughts. “He was a good dad. A good person, really. Just patient. And kind. He didn’t really get mad or yell about a lot of stuff. He was always very calm and steady. He always had time to do stuff with me and teach me stuff. He taught me about carpentry and how to build things. We were working on building a boat together before he got sick. I still have it in storage, but I haven’t worked on it in years. I’ll probably never finish it without him, but I can’t get myself to get rid of it either.” Luke sighed. “And, well, I guess, he just understood me, you know. I’ve never been that great at talking to people or explaining what I’m thinking, but he always just got me, anyway. I never felt awkward around him. Even if we were just sitting around, not talking. He was always ok with that. With just letting me be who I was.”

Jess didn’t know what to say. He was trying to come up with another question to ask when Luke started talking again. “And, he was funny. He didn’t really tell jokes or anything like that, but he had a great sense of humor. He could always find something funny in a situation. And, he would have thought you were real funny. You would have cracked him up with some of the stuff you say.” Luke laughed softly. “He would have thought I let you get away with way too much backtalk, or ‘sass’ as he would have called it, but you still would have made him laugh.” Luke saw Jess smile at that. “I’m really sorry you never got the chance to know him, because he would have loved you. He got to meet you once when you were a baby. Liz brought you for a visit toward the end, when my dad didn’t have long……He was so amazed by you. Talked about you for days after Liz took you back home. Thought you were the greatest thing ever. You’d think he’d never seen a baby before. But, I guess things are more significant when you know it’s the last time you’ll do them. The first and last time you’ll see your grandchild. That was the only time Liz came back to visit after she left for New York and it meant so much to him. He was really glad he got to see her again and meet you before he died.”

Jess wanted to ask about the issues between Liz and his grandfather. About why she hadn’t come home or stayed in touch with her family even after Jimmy had left, but he wanted today to be about Luke and his happy memories of his father, and he didn’t want to mar it by bringing up anything painful. “He sounds like a really good dad.” 

“He was. I know I’m biased, but he was a really great guy. I still miss him.” Luke sighed. They were both quiet for a while.

“He sounds kind of like you.” Jess ventured. 

Luke laughed. “I don’t know about that. I wish I was more like him. People just really loved my dad. He was special.”

“You’re not so bad. Some people love you, too, you know.” Jess kept his focus on the lake, but went into a mini panic at what he had just said. He hadn’t planned it, and he rushed to keep talking, to play it off lightly and distract with a joke, before an awkward silence could develop. “But, your dad would have been right about one thing. You do let me get away with way too much ‘sass.’ I always assumed it was because you find me so witty and charming, but it’s nice to have actual confirmation on that.” Jess smirked. “I like that you grew up with words like ‘sass’ and you still refuse to acknowledge that your life is basically an Andy Griffith rerun.” 

Jess heard a soft laugh in response, but when he finally turned to look at Luke, his uncle was looking back at him with a thoughtful expression on his face. “I just want to clarify one thing, Jess. When I said your grandfather would have loved you. What I meant was……well, he would have loved you as much as I do.”

Jess looked down at the dock and nodded his head slightly, feeling his eyes getting damp even as a small smile formed on his face.

Luke gave the boy a few minutes while he looked out at the lake, one of his favorite places in the world. That he now shared with another of his favorite people. Today had been a very good day. “What do you say we pack it in, go grab some lunch and head back?”

“Are you sure? We haven’t even murdered any fish yet.”

“I’m sure. You don’t always have to catch fish to make a great fishing trip.”


	10. California Dreamin'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set around the end of Jess' senior year. A couple of AU elements here that I should warn you about. In this story, Jess hadn't missed much school before Jimmy showed up. He was working at Walmart, but only during non-school hours, so he was on track to graduate and Luke never 'stole' his car.

Luke lunged at his night stand, quickly picking up his cell phone and looking at the screen. Unknown Caller. He sighed. He put himself through this every time his phone rang. He answered anyway, just in case. It was two o’clock in the morning. It had to be important. “Hello?” He was greeted by a monotone prerecorded message and was about to hang up until he realized what the voice was saying. Would he like to accept charges for a collect call from Des Moines County Jail from…...here there was a pause and then Jess’ voice, low and tired stating his name, followed by the start of a nasty sounding cough that was cut off by the end of the recording. “Yes! Yes, I’ll accept!” Luke sat up in bed, his heart hammering in his chest. There was a click and then a beat of silence, and for a terrible moment Luke thought they had been cut off. That he wouldn’t get to find out if Jess was ok or what was going on. A second later, he heard Jess’ voice, “Luke? Luke, I’m so sorry.” The boy sounded distraught. “I didn’t know who else to call.” 

“Jess! Jess, it’s ok. I’m glad you called me. Are you all right? What’s going on? Why are you in jail?” Luke could feel himself starting to panic. Jail. Jesus. What had the kid done?

“I’m ok. I was…...uh…...arrested for trespassing.”

“Trespassing? In Des Moines? What were you doing?” Luke wasn’t sure if he was asking what Jess was doing trespassing, or what he was doing in Iowa. He just knew he needed to try to make sense out of this situation.

“Yeah. I was…uh…sleeping in the ATM vestibule of a bank. I guess someone wanted to use the ATM without some homeless guy in there with them and called the cops-“ whatever else he was going to say was cut off by two loud, startling coughs.

“Oh, Jess……” Luke breathed, putting a hand to his head. He knew he didn’t have time to process this situation now. Jess being homeless was overshadowed by Jess currently being in jail, and he needed to focus on what he had to do to get Jess out of jail. “What happens now? Is there bail? Will they let you out if I pay bail?” Luke had no experience with this type of situation, and wasn’t very clear on how any of it worked. 

He heard Jess exhale, as if he had been holding in a tense breath. “Yeah, it’s $500. I’m kind of running out of money, and I don’t have that much left.” Jess sounded choked up. “If you’re willing to pay it, I can give the phone to the clerk and he can tell you what you need to do. I’m sorry, Luke. I’ll pay you back…...”

“Jess, I don’t care about the money! Of course, I’ll pay it!”

“Thanks, Luke. I’m going to give you to the clerk now-“

“Wait, Jess! Why are you in Iowa?”

Jess coughed a couple more times. “Things didn’t really…uh…work out in California. He’s signaling that I need to wrap up the call now. When I get out of here and get my cell phone back, I’ll call you, ok? Thanks, Luke. I really appreciate this.”

“Jess!” Luke called, but the boy was already gone. Replaced by a very tired sounding man who ran through the process for Luke in the manner of someone charged with repeating the same facts over and over every day. He provided Luke with the name and number of a local bail bondsman. Luke was up now, turning on the lights, rushing into the kitchen to grab a pencil and paper, and asking the clerk to repeat the information. Once, Luke had written it down and repeated it back, satisfied that he had it correctly, he listened as the clerk went on to explain the rest of the process. He was told that the bail bondsman was open all night and once Luke completed the paperwork over the phone and paid the bail plus bondsman fees on his credit card, the bondsman would send a representative over to the jail to pay the bail with cash, and then they would start processing Jess out of jail. If Luke called right away, the clerk saw no reason that Jess wouldn’t be released in a few hours. Luke thanked the man, and hung up. He dug his credit card out of his wallet and immediately punched in the number for the bail bondsman.

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Luke had stayed awake the rest of the night waiting for Jess’ call. The bail bondsman had confirmed what the clerk at the jail had said, that Jess should be released in a few hours. It was now a little after six o’clock. Luke was in the diner, all nervous energy, waiting for the cell phone in his apron to ring. He was just setting down Kirk’s breakfast order in front of his first and only customer, when his cell phone started to ring loudly, startling them both. He had set the ringer on the highest setting so that he didn’t miss the call. He pulled out his phone, the screen reading ‘Jess Mariano’ this time and ducked into the store room to take the call. “Jess? Are you ok? You’re out of jail, right?”

Luke heard a sniffle, “Yeah, I’m ok. They just let me go. I’m so sorry about that Luke, really. I know you said you don’t care about the money, but I will pay you back. I promise. As soon as……” Jess’ sentence trailed off into a lengthy coughing fit.

Luke waited for Jess’ coughing to subside. “Jess, stop talking about the money. What happened in California? How did you end up in Iowa? Are you coming back home? Are you sick? That cough sounds terrible.”

Jess was accustomed to dealing with a barrage of questions from Luke when the man was worried about him. Trying to obtain as many hard facts as he could was how Luke dealt with fear and uncertainty. Jess knew that. But, this time, Jess was too over exhausted from being up all night in jail, too emotionally drained from his experiences in California and on the road, and too overwhelmed by how frighteningly unstable his life had become in such a short period of time. This time, he didn’t have any answers. He felt himself start to tear up. He was crying slowly at first, quietly, in a way that he felt like he could hide from Luke, if he could just act normal and end the conversation quick enough. Then he was crying in earnest, then sobbing loudly, making sharp hiccupping sounds and gasping for breath. He was crying harder than he had in years. And he couldn’t stop. He felt like he had lost control over himself. Just when he was starting to panic that he would never stop crying, another coughing fit took over, replacing the sobs with harsh, ragged barks, wracking Jess’ body to the point of practically doubling him over. 

“Jess. Jess, it’s going to be ok. You’re going to be ok.” Luke tried to soothe his nephew as he felt his own eyes getting damp at hearing the boy in so much pain. His boy. His boy, who was sick and penniless and scared and far away. “Jess, do you want to come home? I’d really love it if you’d let me buy you a plane ticket back here. No pressure. You can stay for as long as you want. Until you get on your feet. You always have a home here. I hope you know that, Jess. Will you let me get you a ticket home?”

Jess was still crying, but slower now, quietly. Tears still ran down his face, but the sobbing was done. “Yeah.” He responded quietly. “Yeah, I want to come home.”

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After getting assurance from Jess that he would be able to get himself to the airport, the kid still had a little over a hundred dollars on him, Luke had hung up his cell phone and gone back out into the dining room and dug out the yellow pages. There still hadn’t been any customers other than Kirk, who was working away on his pancakes. Luke had called an airline and put a flight to Hartford in Jess’ name on his credit card. He had also prepaid for one checked bag and an inflight meal on the second leg of the trip, thinking he didn’t want Jess to use his own money on anything he didn’t need to, so that he could preserve the little cash he had left, in case something went wrong on his trip and he ended up needing it for something, like if he missed his connection in Cleveland and ended up stranded at the airport for hours and needed to buy food. The earliest flight Luke could get him on didn’t leave Des Moines until three o’clock that afternoon. It would get Jess into Hartford at eight thirty that night, still fourteen hours away. That felt like forever to Luke, and he knew it would be a long, torturous day, waiting to see Jess in person and make sure he was ok. He tried to console himself with the idea that a few hours ago, the boy had been in jail, hours before that, he had had no idea where the kid was. Now, he was at least starting on his journey home. He called Jess back to check on him and give him the details of his flight information, but he didn’t get an answer. He texted the flight info instead, with instructions to call him at any time today if he needed to talk. He kept hearing Jess’ crying, and his heart clenched at the pain the boy must be in to have let himself sob like that on the phone with Luke. His nephew was usually so private when it came to his emotions. He could only begin to imagine how lost and alone Jess must be feeling, and how badly things must have gone in California to have caused this much hurt.

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At two o’clock, Luke’s phone finally pinged after hours of him checking it obsessively with no results. He pulled it out of his apron and read the text from Jess: ‘Sorry, phone battery died. Needed to find a place to charge. Just got to airport. Am ok. Thanks for this, Luke. Seriously.’

For a second Luke panicked that Jess was going to miss his flight, before realizing Iowa was an hour behind the east coast, making it only one o’clock there, two hours before his flight. He hoped Jess didn’t have any problems checking his bag or getting his ticket. He could still remember how confusing he had found the airport the first time he had flown. Granted, Jess was a hell of a lot smarter than he was, but Luke knew he wouldn’t stop worrying about something going wrong until Jess was home safe. Luke texted back: ‘Glad you made it there safely. I’ll be waiting for you at the airport in Hartford when you get there. At the baggage claim. Have a good flight.’ Then he paused typing, considering how to continue. He hadn’t told Jess that he loved him very often. He liked to think he showed him all the time, but he could only remember a couple of instances when he had told the boy directly. He thought back to Jess’ crying on the phone earlier and thought maybe this was a time when Jess would like to hear it. He continued typing: ‘I love you and I miss you, and I’m looking forward to seeing you tonight. Be safe.’ Luke sent the message and sighed. It was going to be a very long evening of waiting. 

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The flight felt interminable to Jess. He had been tempted to buy a book while he was waiting at the airport, but he resisted, knowing it would be more prudent to save the last sixty dollars he had to his name after the sandwich he had bought himself for lunch and the cab right to the airport. He thought about all the money Luke had spent on him today, the five hundred dollars of bail, and he had no idea how much the plane ticket was, but figured it had to have run his uncle another few hundred dollars. It felt wrong to buy himself a luxury item, and never in his life before getting down to his last couple hundred dollars would he have considered a book a luxury item, when Luke had doled out so much of his own money on Jess’ behalf. He decided he would just do his best to sleep on the plane. He was exhausted anyway, couldn’t remember his last good night’s sleep, and sleep was free. The only problem was he kept getting woken up by his own coughing. This also seemed to be a problem for the man sitting in the next seat who kept giving him disgusted looks and leaning his body as far from Jess as he could. Jess felt like a pariah, but he couldn’t stop the coughing. He had had a full blown flu about a month ago, complete with headache, runny nose, sore throat, and body aches, that had forced him to hole up in his motel room in Venice for a few days, living off Nyquil and pizza delivery, lying in bed watching daytime television and feeling pitiful and alone while he waited for Jimmy to call. The rest of the symptoms had disappeared after about a week, but the cough had lingered despite any cough medicine he tried. He couldn’t shake it and if anything, it seemed to be getting worse. It made sense. Jess realized that the way he had been living could only have negative effects on a person’s health. In that respect, he couldn’t wait to get back to Luke’s. To eat a warm, healthy meal. Take a long, hot shower. Put on clean clothes. Sleep in his old bed, feeling safe and loved. And maybe see a doctor to get an anti-biotic if changing his lifestyle didn’t chase his cough away. 

But another part of Jess was feeling nervous about facing his uncle. He flushed in shame when he thought about their last conversation before he had taken off for California without even saying goodbye or letting Luke know he was leaving. He remembered the hateful things he had said to his uncle. The many phone calls and text messages from Luke that he had ignored on the road, or not really ignored since he had read every text and listened to every voicemail so much as just not responded to. Not until his car had broken down on the shoulder of Route 80 in Nebraska. The tow truck driver he had called had taken a long look under the hood, and advised him that the cost of the tow and repairs would run him over a couple thousand dollars, likely more than his car was worth, and almost equal to what Jess had left in savings. He had left the car where it had broken down and asked for a lift to a bus station instead. A few days later as Jess was slowly, but surely making his way to California by bus, he had received a frantic voicemail from Luke. The Pine Bluffs, Nebraska police department had called Luke, whose name was also on the registration since Jess had been a minor when he bought the car, and informed him that his vehicle had been found abandoned by the side of the road and had been impounded. Luke’s message had begged Jess to let him know that he was all right, for him to at least send a text if he didn’t want to talk, just to please let Luke know he was ok. Luke had also apologized to Jess for his part in what transpired before Jess left Stars Hollow. Even though Luke had apologized and asked Jess to contact him on several other voicemails and texts, it was the choked-up quality of his voice at the end of this message that finally got through to Jess. He had still been angry when he thought about what Luke had done, all but lying to him to keep him from knowing his own father had come looking for him, but time and distance had given him better perspective and when he had thought about how much Luke loved him and everything his uncle had done for him prior to this, he knew Luke didn’t deserve to worry himself sick about whether Jess was alive or dead. Jess had carefully drafted a text, wanting to assure the man he was ok, but not wanting to set himself up for more contact. He was still not over what happened and he needed space. He had settled on, ‘I’m ok, Luke. Car broke down and couldn’t afford repairs, but I’m fine. Heading to California by bus. You don’t need to worry. I need to do this on my own, so I won’t be in contact for a while.’ 

Later, after everything with Jimmy had gone so badly, Jess had started to realize how harshly he had treated the only person who actually cared about him. And earlier today, after Luke had still been willing to bail him out of jail and buy him a plane ticket, Jess had been confronted again with how good Luke always was to him, how much the man loved him, and how terribly he had treated him these past couple of months. He knew Luke would forgive him, probably already had, but he also knew it would be a long time until he could look his uncle in the eye without feeling shame about his behavior. Luke had done something wrong, too. But, even though Jess still didn’t agree with what his uncle had done, he knew on some level that Luke had tried to keep him from Jimmy in order to protect Jess’ feelings and not derail him from the stable path he was on in Stars Hollow. Jess still suspected that his original accusation had been correct, though stated unnecessarily harshly, and that Luke may have also wanted to protect his own feelings, and not risk losing Jess to his biological father. But the more Jess thought about it, the more that was starting to feel like understandable and forgivable motivation, while Jess’ had been his old stand-by of anger and spite. He knew Luke would probably be too kind to throw his words back in his face, especially now when Jess was already crawling back with his tail between his legs, but he kept picturing Luke’s face that night in the apartment after Jess had met with Jimmy. Jess had lashed out in hurt and called Luke selfish and controlling. Screamed at him that just because Luke was too much of a pathetic loser to ever have a family of his own, he had no right to stand in the way of Jess meeting his father. No right. He accused Luke of being jealous that Jimmy would want Jess to come live with him in California and then Luke would go back to being a lonely, hermit. Because no one else was stupid enough to put up with his shit the way Jess did. No one else wanted to be around him. At first Luke had stayed calm, letting Jess vent and get it out of his system, then he had defended his actions, claiming that he hadn’t wanted Jimmy to upset Jess and mess up his life when he was doing so well, and was so close to graduating high school. As Jess’ rant went on, Luke had started to seem less sure that he had done the right thing with Jimmy. He had tried to apologize for hurting Jess, but Jess had barely listened, and just continued his attack. The fight had culminated in Jess threatening to go find Jimmy in California, pointing out that Luke couldn’t stop him if he wanted to go. Luke had raised his voice then, too, matching Jess’ volume, telling him he was not going anywhere before he finished the last month of school and took his finals. Jess had worked too hard, they both had, to get Jess this far, and if he thought he wasn’t going to graduate now, he could think again. Jess had yelled back at Luke that he was eighteen and Luke wasn’t his father anyway and couldn’t tell him what to do. He would do whatever the fuck he wanted and if Luke didn’t like it that was his problem. The fight had ended in an exception to the norm, with Luke being the one who had stormed out for breathing room. When he had returned, Jess had already been gone.

Jess sighed thinking about that night. He knew he had more to be forgiven for than Luke did, and even if Luke could get past everything Jess had said, he knew it would be a long time until he could forgive himself. He thought about life on his own on the road, about how he had failed at some of the basic life functions of being an adult. He hadn’t been able to get a job in Los Angeles, hadn’t been able to maintain his car, by the end had barely been able to keep himself safe and fed. Now, he was going back to Luke. To the safety net of family, to having someone who would provide a roof and a bed and food. He thought about the one attached string. On his own, even when he had been at his most pathetic, there had been freedom in not feeling like he was letting anyone down but himself. Going back meant giving up that freedom and once again trying to live up to expectations, not only Luke’s, but his own, which he somehow set higher for himself when Luke was a factor. He had been drowning in the feeling of having let Luke down all day, and he hated how it felt. He wanted to do better, to be better. To be someone who could meet the expectations of a loved one without having to bail, he wanted to end up more like Luke than like Jimmy.

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Luke heard a loud cough over to his right and turned to spot Jess coughing into his closed fist as he approached the baggage carousel at the tail end of the crowd of people. Luke hurried toward him. “Jess!” he reached out a hand to the boy’s shoulder to get his attention. Jess turned toward him, and Luke immediately pulled him into a tight hug. Jess felt his body release its tautness and flood with relief as he let himself be held. He dropped his head to Luke’s shoulder, bringing his arms up around Luke and grasping handfuls of the back of his shirt. He felt Luke’s hand gently cupping the back of his head. He leaned against Luke, letting his uncle support some of his weight. He felt tears gathering in his eyes. “I’m sorry, Luke. I’m so sorry.” His voice sounded off, even to him, and he really hoped that didn’t mean he was going to start crying again. 

“It’s ok, Jess. I forgive you. I’m sorry, too. Everything’s going to be ok. I’m really glad you’re home.” After a long moment, Luke pulled back from Jess, holding his nephew by the shoulders at arm’s length, and really looking at him. The boy looked like he hadn’t slept in a week. He looked sick and miserable. Luke met Jess’ eyes, giving him a warm, encouraging smile. He raised one hand to the side of Jess’ head to guide it back to center when Jess tried to look away. “Look at me, Jess. I know you’re feeling bad about the things you said to me before you left. I feel bad that I hurt you, too. I need you to know that none of that matters to me now. I love you, and nothing you could do will ever change that. I’m really glad to see you. Everything is going to be ok. I promise you that. Ok?” Luke smiled. 

Jess could feel his eyes welling up and didn’t trust himself to speak without starting to cry for real. He managed a small smile, hoping it was conveying the same warm love that Luke’s was radiating. “Ok.” He agreed. “Thanks, Luke.”

“Don’t mention it, nephew.” Luke clapped him on the shoulder, his smile widening into a grin. “Now, let’s go get your bag and get you home.”

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Luke talked pretty much non-stop on the drive back to Stars Hollow. That wasn’t unusual. Luke was always a nervous talker, and even though Jess believed what Luke had said at the airport about him being forgiven, he realized it might take a while for them to get back to normal with each other and over the awkwardness of the situation. What was unusual was that Luke wasn’t asking Jess questions. Jess had expected Luke to pump him for information on his trip. To ask about what happened in California with Jimmy, or his arrest, or his period of homelessness. But, instead Luke had filled him in on all the Stars Hollow happenings. Taylor’s old fashion candy shop had finally opened and was doing better than Luke had thought it would, or even wanted it to. He admitted with a chuckle that even though he was Taylor’s landlord, he would be willing to lose a little money to watch Taylor’s store fail. Andrew had told Luke that some books Jess had ordered had come into the bookstore. Luke couldn’t remember the titles, but he had gone in and paid for them since Andrew had gone to the trouble of ordering them, and they were waiting for Jess in his bedroom. Jess’ school had called asking questions about his absence, which Luke couldn’t answer since he wasn’t sure what Jess’ plans were. They called again after Jess didn’t show up for his final exams to officially tell Luke that Jess hadn’t graduated. Luke had asked if Jess could still take the exams if he came back, but they said he has missed too much school to pass the year even if he had taken the exams and passed. But, he wasn’t telling Jess this to stress him out, no, he had good news. The guidance counselor had been nice enough to meet with him the Monday following finals after he had explained his situation. She had given him all these other options if Jess didn’t want to repeat his senior year at Stars Hollow. All Luke had known about was the GED route, but she had suggested enrolling Jess for his senior year at St. Mary’s the Catholic high school in Woodbridge, if Jess was just opposed to returning to Stars Hollow High, or if he was opposed to going back to high school in general, in an online program where he would take classes and tests online and get his high school diploma that way. Luke had checked out one of the programs and it seemed like something Jess could do. He didn’t want Jess to feel pressured. He didn’t need to make a decision now, but he wanted him to know those options were available if he wanted to consider them. Jess sometimes didn’t know what to make of Luke’s kindness. It felt like too much for him to comprehend. After everything he had said to Luke and the way he left, his uncle had still cared enough to pick up his books and take meetings with his guidance counselor. He had still been willing to pay for a year of Catholic school for the nephew who hadn’t even bothered to take his calls or return his texts. Because he cared about Jess and wanted him to have a future. Jess felt his eyes getting wet again, and wondered if now that he’d let himself start crying if he had opened some internal floodgate and was going to be an emotional mess, a kind word away from tears at any given moment, for the rest of his life. He knew he would get his high school diploma since it mattered so much to Luke, and it made no sense for him to not get it, but he also knew he couldn’t sit through another year of school. He made lame jokes about St. Mary’s. That he was swearing off girls in plaid skirts for good. That he couldn’t willingly sign up to spend a year getting slapped around by a nun with a ruler. He noticed the shift in Luke’s previously eager expression. He said he thought the online program sounded good, though, and thanked Luke for looking into it. He could probably swing that and a fulltime job. Chip in some money for rent. Luke’s smile returned, but he said nothing had changed in that respect. He would never take rent from Jess. Jess should save his money. Maybe for a new car. Or for something else important. Maybe even for college classes someday. Jess watched Luke as he drove, taking in the pleased look on his uncle’s face, overwhelmed by his own ability to make this person who loved him so happy with so little. Right here, in this moment, driving down this dark highway, feeling like nothing and no one existed outside the cab of Luke’s truck, Jess felt happier and more content than he had in a long time, just being here with someone who loved him, whose optimism never faded and who never gave up on him. Jess told him, maybe, Luke, maybe.


	11. California Dreamin' Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a direct continuation of Chapter 10. Jess reflects on his trip to California and discusses it with Luke.
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing except my own obsession with Gilmore Girls

Luke kept to his word. He didn’t pressure Jess. Not about school or his future. Not for details about what happened in California, or how he had ended up homeless. He threw himself into taking the best care of his nephew that he could. He cooked him healthy meals, a mix of his favorites along with lots of nourishing soups. He got him started on a multivitamin. He washed the dirty clothes he had brought back from his trip. He took him to a doctor to get an antibiotic for his cough. He made sure he drank bottle after bottle of water and Gatorade after the doctor pronounced him badly dehydrated. He encouraged him to relax and rest as much as he needed until he felt better. He told him how much he loved him and how glad he was that he was home. He held in all his questions. He didn’t bring up that it was almost August and that if they wanted Jess to enroll in the fall semester of the online high school program, they needed to register soon, and buy a laptop and get internet installed in the apartment. Luke didn’t pressure Jess for almost six days, and he was proud of his restraint.

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Jess’ sixth day home found him lounging on the couch in his pajamas, trying to take it easy, as Luke had suggested. He was grateful that his uncle had welcomed him back into his home and that he was no longer struggling his way across the country, broke and alone, but he felt ridiculous about ending up right back where he started, with nothing gained. His trip had accomplished nothing. All he had gotten out of it was one more rejection from a man who had abandoned him when he was only a few days old and spent the next eighteen years reinforcing that rejection by never once contacting him or even sending a birthday present. He had spent his entire life hating Jimmy for leaving him with Liz, but right now he was more pissed at himself, for letting Jimmy’s short and weird visit to Stars Hollow trick him into thinking that he actually meant anything to the man, that his father actually wanted to have a relationship with him. He should have known better. He was such a sucker. 

He was glad to be back, at the only place he could really call home, but he felt like he needed time to regroup and process everything that had happened before he could move forward. He meant what he had said to Luke in the car, that getting his diploma online seemed like a good idea, but he was in no rush to start the process. He had spent his first day back catching up on sleep, not even getting out of bed until mid-afternoon, and then only long enough to use the bathroom, eat dinner and watch a little television with Luke before turning in early. The days since, with the exception of when he had been at the doctor’s office, had been spent in the apartment, mostly horizontal on his bed or the couch, reading, talking to Luke, but carefully avoiding any serious topics, occasionally napping, and thinking, lots of thinking. He tried to convince himself that his self-imposed confinement was to spare the town exposure to his respiratory infection in case it was contagious and to avoid unwanted run-in’s with nosy town jerks, like Taylor Doose, who might question where he had been or what he had been up to. But, the antibiotics had all but eliminated his cough at this point, and the only person in town he was genuinely too embarrassed to face was his ex-girlfriend who had a valid reason to be pissed at him. He knew he had probably messed that up for good, but he didn’t want her to hate him, so he knew he needed to talk to her sooner rather than later. He felt childish for hiding from her, but he wasn’t going to venture out of the apartment until he had an apology ready, and so far, all the ways he had tried to phrase it in his head and come across as too pathetic. 

The only kind of positive thing, and he knew he was letting himself be optimistic to think it might someday be a very positive thing, that had come out of his trip was that he had started writing a story. He hadn’t written a lot yet, but he was pleased with the quality of what he had gotten down in his notebook so far. When he had been alone in California, on the beach in the evening, or at a coffee shop, in his motel room, on the bus headed back east, he had scribbled out the narrative that had been building in his mind. His thoughts had taken shape and flowed out easily and naturally, giving life to characters that had been living in his head for longer than he had realized. The story has started piecing itself together at the end of a miserable week of wallowing after Jimmy had turned him away. His writing had helped to keep him going and distract him from the hopelessness of his life when he had been on the verge of losing will, and had wanted nothing more than to lie down somewhere and stop everything. To just cease to exist. He was aware that his thoughts and emotions had been all over the place and completely out of whack during this whole experience, so part of him was worried that the writing may not seem as good later, when he read it from a calmer and more emotionally stable place, but right now he felt proud that he had made a start at something that could possibly end up being good, being something that mattered. Jess sighed, Luke had been good about staying off his case so far, but he knew Luke’s patience wouldn’t last forever. His concern would take over and he would start nagging Jess about everything he thought the boy should be doing. And for some reason, it seemed important to Jess to be out front on this. To start getting himself together on his own, like an adult, instead of needing Luke to encourage or threaten him into action, as he had so many times in the past. He wanted to show Luke he could be serious about his future. That he was worth the second chance the man was giving him. He needed to get himself focused and moving in something that resembled forward motion. His needed to organize his thoughts and come up with a plan of action for when he moved out of Luke’s for good. He wanted to do everything he could now, to get himself into a better position to not fail the next time he struck out on his own. He knew that would involve getting his high school diploma. He needed to research the online program Luke told him about, find out registration deadlines, maybe work out a loan with Luke for a computer and internet if he wouldn’t have time to earn the money himself before the deadline. He needed to look for a job, something fulltime outside the diner. He could talk to Luke about picking up shifts in the meantime, though, and of course he would step in to cover shifts if Luke needed help, but he wanted a job with more independence, and a boss who wasn’t his uncle. Something like what he’d had at Walmart. He regretted burning that bridge when he left. He needed to put together a budget and put aside money every month to save up for a car. A more reliable car than the last one. And he needed to start saving money in an emergency fund. That was key. He had learned from his brief stint in the real world, that life was full of emergencies and he wanted to be as ready as he could be. He also knew things needed to change at Luke’s. He needed to carry his weight more, doing chores without being asked, doing his own laundry, maybe even cooking dinner once in a while. He needed to get used to doing these things since he’d be out on his own doing them for himself soon enough. He also knew he needed to treat his uncle better, and stop lashing out like a child every time he got hurt or scared. Just because Luke put up with his shit didn’t make it ok. As grateful as he was that Luke had taken him in, again, he knew he needed to think of his time as Luke’s as temporary, while he got on his feet and fixed himself up, a few months, a year tops. After spending the past couple of months getting kicked around by the real world, it was very tempting to drag his feet on getting himself together, and just let Luke take care of him. But, he knew he needed to use this time wisely, and get himself as prepared for adulthood as best he could. The next time he left home, it would be with Luke’s support and he knew that would make all the difference, but he wanted to be someone who could take care of himself, someone who called his uncle and came back to visit because he wanted to, not because he was in need of a bed and a meal. He wanted to do better at life than Liz had. And, for maybe the first time ever, he really believed he could. He wanted to be someone that Luke could be proud of. He knew the first step was getting off the couch. And maybe putting on some pants.

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When Luke came upstairs after the dinner rush had slowed, he was greeted to a sight he hadn’t seen in a while, Jess sitting at the kitchen table, dressed in jeans and a tee shirt, pen in hand focusing on the ripped-out notebook page in front of him that was covered in his small handwriting. “Hey, Jess,” Luke called to his nephew. “It’s good to see you up. What are you working on?”

Jess looked up, and offered his uncle a smile. “Hey.” “It’s, uh, my one-year plan, I guess.” He let out an awkward laugh, embarrassed to be caught working on it. “It’s some stuff I want to accomplish and some things I need to work on. Pretty lame, I know, but I think better when I write stuff down.”

Luke walked over to the kitchen. He pulled a beer out of the fridge, and leaned against the counter, not wanting to crowd Jess, but seeing this as an opening to discuss Jess’ plans that he couldn’t pass up. “That doesn’t sound lame. It sounds smart. How’s it coming?” Luke tried to sound casual. He didn’t want Jess to think he was trying to pick back up where they had left off, treating his nephew like a child and acting like he had any control over his life. “Can I, uh, ask what you have so far? If you, um, want to talk about it, that is.” 

Jess used his foot to slide the chair to his left away from the table and smirked. “Luke, I appreciate the feigned nonchalance, but I think we both know you’re dying to get a look at my life plan here.” He used the index finger and thumb of his right hand to wiggle the paper back and forth on the table in emphasis. “Spoiler alert, it involves getting a high school diploma and becoming a productive member of society! Two of your all-time favorites, Uncle Luke!” Jess’s voice rose in mock excitement. “But, seriously, I’m very impressed that you didn’t start in on me about my future the second I set foot in Connecticut. I know it must have been hard for you to not give in to your instincts to nag the crap out of me as soon as you saw me. You haven’t even grilled me about what happened in California, even though we both know you’re super curious. And, trust me, I enjoyed the reprieve and all, but I figured this conversation was inevitable. Why don’t you come sit down and we can talk about stuff now?”

Luke chuckled and approached the table, taking a seat in the pushed out chair. He was as happy about finding Jess so upbeat as he was about the invitation to talk. The boy had been radiating sadness since he had returned. This was the best mood Luke had seen him in so far, and it made him feel good to see that the boy’s spirit hadn’t been permanently crushed, that the Jess he knew was still in there somewhere. “Thanks, Jess. I just didn’t want you to think I was treating you like a child, or being controlling, or anything. I don’t want you to feel like I’m pressuring you. I wanted to make sure I was giving you enough space. Because I understand if you need it. Really.”

Jess looked down for a moment, as though concentrating on his list. “I know you said that you don’t care about what happened before….” Jess started. “But, I kind of want to apologize for calling you controlling. And selfish. And everything else I said. I was really mad……But, I didn’t mean that stuff. Seriously.” Jess forced himself to look up now, making eye contact, trying to act like the adult he kept telling Luke he was. “And, I’m sorry. I know you said you already forgave me, but I needed to apologize anyway. I don’t want you to worry about what I said, or feel like you can’t say something to me because it’s going to make me think those things about you. Because it won’t. I promise.”

Luke smiled. “Thank you, nephew. I appreciate that. And just to be clear, I’m sorry, too. I shouldn’t have tried to interfere with you and Jimmy. Your relationship with your father, whatever it is, isn’t my business, and I should have stayed out of it. I won’t do anything like that again. Assume I know what’s best for you, I mean, and try to make a decision like that for you. I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok, Luke. Maybe I should have listened to you.” Jess was quiet for a moment. “I don’t regret going to California. I’ve been curious about him my entire life, and I knew this might be my only opportunity to get to know him. But, now that I have, I know I should have listened to you when you told me what a loser he was. I might have at least managed my expectations better. And, not been so hurt after….” Jess trailed off, debating how much of his experience he was going to share with his uncle. 

Luke’s expression grew concerned. “What did Jimmy do, Jess? Do I need to go out there and put his head through a wall?”

Jess laughed. “No, but thanks for the offer. I think I can achieve closure without that, but if anything changes, I’ll let you know.” Jess smirked. “Plus, I get the impression that he struggles enough without any added brain damage.”

Luke smiled, enjoying hearing Jess laugh. His nephew was right. He had been dying to know what happened with Jimmy and what the kid was going to do now, but he hadn’t known what to expect in this conversation. Jess had been so subdued and unpredictably emotional since he had returned home. This was the first conversation they had had where Luke felt like he was talking to the same kid who had lived in his house two months ago. 

“He didn’t do anything really. Just didn’t want me there. That was clear from the beginning. He kept telling me that he was a mess and was in no position to raise a kid. I told him I wasn’t a kid and I was already raised. That I just wanted to get to know him. But, he didn’t care, just kept clinging to his go-to excuse, that he was a mess and I was better off without him.” Jess paused for a moment remembering their conversation on the Venice boardwalk. When he spoke again, his voice sounded off. “And, the real kick in the teeth is that he has a girlfriend who has a daughter. She’s like twelve, maybe. So, he’s kind of already got a kid, anyway. And the girl seemed to like him, so I guess he’s not too much of a mess for her. I guess it’s just me who’s better off without him.”

“I’m sorry, Jess.” Luke wanted to tell Jess that Jimmy had always been a selfish asshole. And stupid. Just really stupid, on a basic level. That he’d probably let his girlfriend and her kid down eventually, too, but he didn’t know how the criticism would be taken and he didn’t want Jess to shut down the conversation.

“I had to beg him, Luke, I mean beg him, for a place to stay. I told him I didn’t have anywhere to go. That I couldn’t go back to New York, that we got in a fight and I couldn’t come back here. That I basically dropped out of school to go see him. That I just wanted a place to stay until I could get on my feet and get a job and a place somewhere.” 

“He finally agreed to let me stay at his place on a mattress on the floor, but I think it was only because his girlfriend thought he should let me. She was nice enough. I really don’t know what she was doing with him. I only ended up staying two nights. After the second night, Jimmy basically told me not to get too comfortable, that his girlfriend can never say no to a stray, they had like ten dogs and cats, but that me staying there for longer than a few days wasn’t practical. It was a small house and there wasn’t space for me. I packed my shit and left that afternoon, while he was at work.”

“Before I left, I stuck a note with my cell phone number on the fridge. Said that I’d stay in town for a while if he changed his mind and decided he actually wanted to get to know his son. Then I rented a room in this shithole motel in Venice, and waited to see if he would call. I waited in that motel for almost a month. Like a pathetic loser. I looked for a job, so that when he called, I could show him that I had my shit together. That I was an adult who could take care of myself. That I wouldn’t be a burden on him. But, I couldn’t get a job anywhere, and I looked, I really did. You have no idea how hard it is to get a job as a server in Los Angeles. The manager at one restaurant I applied to even told me straight out that they don’t hire people from New York because we don’t have the right vibe. Can you believe that shit?” Luke smiled at that. “Then I tried for any kind of job, it didn’t matter what, and I still couldn’t find anything. That was the worst part, staying in that motel in case Jimmy changed his mind. Not being able to get a job. Not knowing anyone. I feel so stupid that I did that. I wish I had left L.A. when Jimmy kicked me out. Maybe I could have kept some of my self-respect.” Jess paused for a minute, reflecting on whether that was really how he felt. If he had left right away and not suffered through that month in Venice, he may never have started writing. He wasn’t ready to talk to his uncle about that yet, though, so he continued his story. “And then I got sick, and I basically didn’t leave my motel room for a week. That’s when my cough started. And, I was so depressed. That week was miserable. Just lying in bed with too much time to think about what a great job I’d done of totally fucking up my life.”

“That sounds like a really tough situation. I’m really sorry that things worked out like that, Jess.” Luke hated the idea of Jess being sick and depressed in a crappy motel room in Venice, thinking he was alone with no one to turn to. “I really wish you had called me then. Even if you hadn’t been ready to come home, I would have liked to have been there for you, even just on the phone. You can always call me, you know. I would have done whatever I could to help you.”

Jess knew that was true, now more than ever. That he could have called Luke. He just hadn’t been ready to admit he had failed at that point, and calling home would have felt like admitting he couldn’t handle the situation on his own. “I know you would have, Luke. I guess I just wanted to prove to myself that I could do this on my own. I thought about it, but calling you then would have made me feel like a little kid running to mommy and daddy with his problems.”

Luke grinned.

“What?” Jess asked confused as to what he had said to make Luke look so happy.

“Huh? Oh, nothing.”

“Why are you grinning like an idiot, Luke?”

“Oh, sorry. I just kind of liked that I was your ‘mommy and daddy’ in that scenario and Jimmy was the problem. Sorry, go on.”

Jess laughed. “Wow, that’s really mature. I’m so glad you can find joy in my misery.”

“Sometimes it can’t be helped, nephew.” Luke’s warm smile belied his words.

Jess looked down briefly before regaining eye contact. “You definitely are more my parent than Jimmy is, though. I’ll admit that.” Jess watched Luke’s pleased smile spread across his face. “Like, get this. Jimmy kept accusing me of trying to bust his balls over abandoning me when I was a baby. Like it was no big deal. Like I should be over it by now. And I seriously wasn’t even giving him shit. I was pretty much on my best behavior out there. But, if I mentioned anything about New York at all, he’d accuse me of busting his balls. He was so sensitive about it! Like I don’t have a right to be pissed that he left me with a nutcase like Liz! Like it was my job to make him feel ok about that! And I just kept thinking about all the times I’ve given you way more shit over way less, about some of the horrible things I’ve said to you. And, how you always put up with shit from me that no one else would and you always accept me and still want me around. And you love me anyway. Like a parent. Like the way you told me that time at the lake that you felt like your dad always accepted you for who you are. And talking to my actual father felt so much more like trying to convince a stranger to give me a chance, like I was trying to talk someone into hiring me or going on a date with me, or something.” Jess seemed to realize how much he had been saying and started to feel self-conscious. He coughed once. “Anyway, I guess it is what it is.” He shrugged, then attempted to lighten the mood. “So, now you’re all caught up on what I did on my summer vacation.”

Luke was looking at Jess with a serious expression on his face. “Just so there’s never any confusion. I will always want you around. I will always love you anyway. You may not be my actual kid, but you are my favorite person on the planet. And, I will always be here for you, Jess. Always.”

Jess nodded slightly, a small smile on his face. “I know you will, Luke. It took me a long time, but I get that now.”


	12. Endings Are Hard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Picks up where Chapter 11 left off and then jumps into the future. Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed my little story.
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing except my own obsession with Gilmore Girls.

Jess spent the next few months working his plan with the best of intentions. He got a job at the Kmart in Woodbridge moving product in the warehouse. The manager who had interviewed him had been impressed that he already had a license to operate a forklift and hired him on the spot. The pride Jess had initially felt at having been more qualified than the average candidate had waned over the weeks and months that followed, as he let himself wonder if this was the start of a long career centered around operating a forklift. He made three dollars over minimum wage. And, while that wasn’t terrible at his age, the prospect of doing so long term felt bleak and oppressive. Jess also picked up as many shifts in the diner as Luke would let him. He had priced apartments online in New York and from what he had figured, it would be too much of a stretch for him to afford an actual room of his own in a shared apartment on what he made. He would likely end up sharing a studio or one bedroom with multiple people. He wondered how long he would have to live like that, and if he would ever be able to afford to live in a better situation. His optimism for his future was wearing thin. His life was starting to feel bleak again. He threw himself into his writing to get his mind off his reality.

Jess had also started the online program to get his high school diploma. He had to take his entire senior year over again since he had missed so much school the first time around. He could do the online work on his own schedule and mostly got through it, doing a half-assed, but passable job, in the mornings before work or in the evenings after he had returned home. He knew there was no reason to not get his high school diploma, but he didn’t feel as motivated about it as he had when he had returned from California. If he was being realistic, a high school diploma wasn’t really going to improve his life very much. Sure, he had tried to apply to a couple of places that wouldn’t even look at applicants without a high school diploma or GED, but for the most part a high school diploma wasn’t going to open any great doors for him. He knew that. Without college, a high school diploma seemed like a waste of time. It just meant access to minimum wage level, dead end jobs. The forklift license that he had earned through a class at Walmart had been more important to the hiring manager at Kmart than his lack of education. At this point, he was mostly going through the motions for Luke. Luke had bought him the laptop he needed for the courses and had internet installed in the apartment, and wouldn’t take anything from him to cover the costs even after he had gotten a job. Luke had told him with a smile that he could pay him back by actually finishing school this time around. That he’d rather have Jess graduate than be reimbursed for the laptop. He owed it to his uncle to finish school after everything the man had done for him. Loving him and putting a roof over his head when even his own parents wouldn’t. That had to be worth something. And Jess wanted to hold up his end of the bargain. 

But as the weeks dragged into months, Jess became increasingly frustrated with the mind-numbing school assignments that were required of him, and he resented the time it took away from his writing. Some days, between school and work, the only time he had to write was on the bus back and forth to Woodbridge or during his half hour lunch break at Kmart. It wasn’t enough. He had spent the better part of one night writing in the diner, so the light wouldn’t disturb Luke, but he had been exhausted the next day as he worked through an early shift at Kmart and a closing shift at the diner. Luke had noticed and given him an earful about getting adequate sleep and taking care of himself so that he didn’t make himself sick again, like he had in California. He had made Jess promise to be in bed by midnight, at the latest, on work nights, and between his two jobs, every night was a work night. He had told Jess that he might be too old to be grounded, but he could still have his shifts at the diner taken away if Luke thought he was running himself ragged. Jess had nodded contritely, feeling like a little kid in the face of Luke’s scolding. He didn’t want to lose his shifts at the diner and have to decrease the amount of money he was socking away each week, so he resolved to fit in as much writing as he could while working two jobs, finishing his high school diploma, helping Luke around the house and getting to bed by midnight. But it wasn’t nearly enough. His mind was overflowing with ideas and storylines all day while he worked in the Kmart warehouse. The work was easy and repetitive, leaving his mind free for hours to flesh out scenes for his story and draft dialogue for his characters. He worried that he wouldn’t be able to get it all down on paper while it was still fresh in his head. That he would end up missing good stuff and compromising the quality of his story, because he couldn’t always get time to really focus on his writing when inspiration struck and he sometimes had to wait for a day or two at a time before being able to get his ideas onto paper as more than just quickly jotted notes. He felt over extended and stressed. Something had to give. 

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By Christmas, Jess had enough money saved up to buy a used car. His original plan had been to save until he could afford an upgrade from his last car. Something more reliable, with a longer life left in it. But, Jess was getting restless in Stars Hollow and didn’t want to wait any longer. He had also fallen behind in his school work, having shifted some of his study time to writing time. By late March, he had saved enough for a couple of month’s rent in a shared apartment plus a very small emergency fund. He had a lot of school work to catch up on if he wanted to graduate on time, but he had about six chapters of his book transferred to his laptop and edited and cleaned up to the point of feeling, possibly, maybe, publishable. He rationally knew that he shouldn’t consider moving out until he had a larger reserve of cash to fall back on, but he was feeling stifled in Stars Hollow. He was grateful to his uncle for taking him in a second time and he knew that Luke always had the best of intentions toward him, but he was an adult now, and he couldn’t help but chafe under the restrictions Luke imposed upon him. Especially those concerning his health and his midnight ‘bedtime.’ He knew the state he was in when he returned from California had scared Luke, but that had been ages ago. He felt like Luke should have started trusting him by now to make responsible decisions on his own. He didn’t want to openly defy Luke, or risk disrespecting him in any way that might damage their relationship, but he needed more time to focus on his book. It was time to move out. By mid-May, he had reconnected with a friend in New York. Anton was sharing a one room apartment with three other guys. One had just moved out and there was a spot open at a monthly rent that Jess could afford with his savings until he could get a job in New York. Anton also thought he might be able to hook Jess up with a job at the messenger service he worked for. It had been a couple of months since Jess had used his laptop for school, or anything other than his book. He wasn’t going to graduate in June, but he had spoken to his advisor from the online program and since the program was flexible, Jess could finish on his own timeline as long as he completed all his assignments. The apartment and possible lead on a job in New York were too good to pass up. Since his courses were online, he could finish his senior year in New York as easy as he could in Stars Hollow. 

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“You sure you don’t want me to drive in with you? Help you get settled in a little?” Luke asked, not for the first time that morning, as he loaded the last of Jess’ bags into the back seat of the boy’s car. He knew this was coming. The end of the school year had always been the timeframe that Jess had had in mind for moving out. And Jess had told him about his friend and the apartment in New York several days ago. He had been given almost a week to process the news. And Jess was nineteen now, twenty in a few months. That was a suitable age to move out on his own. He was no longer a kid who needed someone to take care of him. It was natural for him to feel suffocated living in a one room apartment with his uncle, in a very small town, and to want to get out on his own. Luke knew this, rationally. He really did. When he had been Jess’ age, he had been taking care of his dying father, running the hardware store and managing a house. He had grown up a lot during that time. And he knew that Jess needed that same opportunity to mature and learn to take care of himself. And he was proud of Jess for wanting to. He was. He just hadn’t realized how hard this day was going to be. The apartment already felt so empty and less like a home with Jess’ section of the apartment cleaned out. And he was already dreading how quiet and lonely it was going to feel once the boy himself was gone. He was scared the apartment would go back to feeling like the temporary lodging it had been intended to be after his dad had died and it had been too hard for him to stay in their family home by himself. Luke had gotten so used to the provisional accommodations, to living like he was waiting for his actual life, one that would hopefully someday include other people, to start. It had taken him a while to recognize the transition from office over the diner to family home after Jess moved in. But, it had become a home then. It was the first time since his father died that he had had family to come home to at the end of the day, instead of just a silent, empty apartment. His heart was breaking knowing that he would lose that when Jess left. And that if history was any indication of the future, there was a good chance that he would never get to experience that again. But he knew it was right that Jess needed to move out, and be on his own, no matter how much it hurt. He was determined to keep a brave face for Jess’ sake, but he knew that night would not be easy, after Jess was gone and the diner was closed and he was alone, again.

“I appreciate the offer, but I need to do this on my own.” Jess smirked, trying to keep things light. Today wasn’t easy for him, even if he did know it was time, but he knew it was even harder on Luke. “But, please don’t take that the wrong way. If I was heading to my first day of kindergarten, you would absolutely be the person I’d want to take me. I’d even let you hold my hand and everything. But, I think I have this under control, what with, you know, being a grown up and all.”

“All right, Jess. You go be a grown up.” Luke smiled at his nephew. “I’m really going to miss you, kid.”

Jess nodded, serious now. “Me too, Luke.” “But, you aren’t rid of me just yet. Oh, no, you’re not that lucky! We’re going to have weekly phone calls, and possibly even some texting if you ever manage to master the skill of typing on your phone. Right?”

Luke chuckled lightly. “That’s right, nephew. Let me know when you have your work schedule figured out, and when the best time to call you is.” Luke had insisted on continuing to pay the bill for Jess’ cell phone, until the boy was on his feet and could pay the bill without any problems. Jess had tried to refuse, but Luke had explained that this was something he wanted to do for himself as well as Jess. He didn’t want to relinquish that responsibility to Jess, because he didn’t want to run the risk of the bill not getting paid if Jess needed the money for rent or food. He had finally convinced the boy that what he paid each month was well worth the piece of mind he would have from knowing he would always have a way to get ahold of his nephew, and vice versa. He had also insisted on weekly calls, in part for himself, knowing he would miss Jess and would want to check in on his nephew, and partly for Jess, knowing that the boy might be lonely and miss Luke, too, but feel awkward about calling for that reason. “And, Jess, call me any time. If you need money or anything. Or if you just want to talk. Ok? I mean it. I’m here.” When Jess just nodded, Luke continued. “I’m serious, Jess. I want you to promise me that you’ll call me if you need help. I don’t want this to be like last time…….”

Jess smiled. “I promise, Luke. No more sleeping in ATM vestibules. If I need you, I’ll call you.”

“Good, that’s what I want to hear.” Luke grinned. “I would hate to have to drive all the way into the city just to slap you around if you don’t.”

Jess laughed. “That doesn’t sound like much fun for me either. And if I ever am in a bad spot and need money, we’ll work out a loan or something.”

Luke rolled his eyes at the mention of a loan. “Ok, Jess, whatever you say. And, you’re going to finish your online program for your diploma, right?” Luke wished that Jess had waited until after he finished the program to move out. It’s not that he didn’t trust Jess to finish the work on his own, but he would have liked to have seen his education wrapped up before he moved on to the next stage of his life. He knew how easy it would be for Jess to backburner his diploma, especially since he already had a job lined up. And, Jess had never been good at focusing on his school work in Stars Hollow, and now he would have the added distractions of living with people his own age in New York City. But, Jess was an adult now, and Luke couldn’t make him do anything he didn’t want to. He could only hope for the best and be there for him for the worst.

Jess’ smile faltered for a minute, before he recovered. “That’s the plan.” Jess had told Luke that he wasn’t going to graduate by June, but Jess hadn’t been very detailed in telling his uncle exactly how far behind he was in the program. He hadn’t exactly lied, but he couldn’t say he felt good about how he had left the situation. He had let Luke believe that he only had a few outstanding assignments to complete, when in reality, he was less than halfway through the workload for his senior year. He would finish it eventually. But, he wanted to finish his book first. He tried to convince himself that he was only keeping the details from his uncle, because he didn’t want Luke to worry. He noted the concerned look on Luke’s face. “I will finish it, Luke. I promise. It just might not be right away.”

Luke nodded. Jess hated being the cause of the worried expression on his face, but he also didn’t want to get nagged about this for the foreseeable future. “So, you probably don’t have to ask me if I’ve graduated every time we talk, or anything. All right? I’ll be sure to let you know when it happens. In fact, I’ll mail you my diploma. You can hang it up on the fridge. Ok?”

Luke held his hands up, palms out, in surrender. “Ok, Jess. You’re an adult. You’ll do it on your schedule. I get it. I was just asking.”

“Sorry. I know you’re worried that I didn’t finish it before I moved out. I’ll do it. I swear.”

“Ok. I believe you, Jess.”

“I should, uh, get on the road.” Jess looked around, at his car, back at the diner, anywhere but at Luke. He felt closer to tears than he had expected, and he really didn’t want to cry. “Thanks again for this stuff.” He tapped the trunk of his car with his hand to indicate the Walmart bags inside, full of toiletries, sheets, towels, toilet paper, cleaning and first-aid supplies, emergency candles and non-perishable food that Luke had bought him. “My roommates might think I’m some kind of doomsday prepper, but I’m sure all that canned chili and extra deodorant will come in handy at some point.”

Luke laughed. “I just want to make sure you’re taken care of. Hey, you need any gas money?” Luke reached for the wallet in his back pocket, but Jess stilled the motion with a hand on his uncle’s forearm. 

“Luke, stop! I have gas money. I’m going to be fine. You’ve done enough for me already.”

“Sorry, I just want to make sure you have what you need.” Luke released his grip on his wallet and Jess moved his hand off Luke’s arm.

“I do. I swear.” Jess paused. “Thanks for everything, Luke. For letting me live here. And for bailing me out of jail and taking me back in after I ran away like an idiot. And for just always being so good to me. Thanks. I know I don’t say that enough.” Jess could feel a slight heat behind his eyes as they started to dampen.

“You don’t have to say it at all. You don’t have to thank me. I love you, and I have loved having you here.” Luke saw the tears gathering in Jess’ eyes. His own were still dry, but he knew that would change the second Jess drove out of sight. He reached out one hand to Jess’ shoulder, giving the boy a gentle shake. “You’re always welcome here. And you better plan on coming back to visit, or else you are in for some serious nagging. Nagging like you would not believe! You got that, Jess?”

Jess smiled and nodded. “Yeah, I will. I was thinking I could come back in November for our fishing trip.”

“Yeah?” Luke dropped his hand from Jess’ shoulder, surprised and touched to hear that Jess was thinking about that. It was one thing for Jess to have accompanied him when he was living in Stars Hollow and had nothing better to do, but he hadn’t expected the boy to make a habit out of it, and to actually drive all the way back from New York for it. 

“If it’s ok with you. I mean, you liked it when I went with you, right?” Jess suddenly felt unsure. Maybe Luke had only let him tag along because he’d been staying with him, and now that he wasn’t, Luke would want to go back to spending that day alone. The day was really about Luke’s father, not Jess. Maybe he was overstepping to think Luke would want to include him going forward.

“I loved it when you went with me.” Luke responded with a warm smile.

“And, I figured, since we did it the last two years, we’ve kind of established our own family tradition. I thought it could be our thing. Like, I can come back for it every year. An uncle-nephew bonding type thing……” Jess trailed off.

“That sounds great, Jess. I’ll be looking forward to it.” Luke smiled. This kid amazed him sometimes. “But, that’s still a few months away. I want to come out to New York before then, check out your place, take you to lunch. Let me know when’s good for you once you’re settled in.”

“Ok. Sounds like a plan.” Jess paused. “Well, I should really get on the road.” Jess smiled and moved in for a hug. Luke had not planned on letting the boy leave without a hug, but Jess beating him to it was the best goodbye he could have imagined. He held his nephew against him and rested one hand on the back of the boy’s head. He had to stop thinking of him as a boy, but Luke didn’t feel ready to see him as adult, even if Jess was ready to be one.

Jess pulled back first, eyes wet, voice thick when he spoke. “I should really take off now.”

Luke nodded. “Ok. Drive safe. Call or text to let me know you got there.”

“I will.” Jess took one last look at his uncle, his world narrowing down to just the two of them for the moment. He turned and opened his car door and climbed into the driver’s seat. Luke grabbed his door before he could pull it closed. “I love you, Jess.”

Jess nodded, facing the windshield, eyes welling up to the point that he was wondering how he would be able to drive without letting his tears fall. He looked up and made brief eye contact with his uncle. “Me too,” was all he could get out and still hold himself together. He pulled his door towards him and Luke helped to push it closed this time. Jess started the car, raised his hand in a wave to Luke who returned it from where he had stepped back onto the sidewalk, pulled out into the road and drove away from the diner. He made sure he had gotten out of Stars Hollow before he stopped holding back his tears.

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Fifteen Years Later

Luke stood alone in the room outside the glass staring at the baby in the crib labeled ‘Mariano’. The baby was beautiful. Perfect. He still couldn’t believe Jess was a father. He could still remember being in this same type of room seeing Jess for the first time in the hospital when he was born. And it didn’t feel like thirty-four years ago. It felt like yesterday. Luke’s heart ached at having missed this experience when April was born. As well as her first eleven years. As much as they had gotten close as father and daughter since then, missing out on her early years would always be the biggest regret of his life. 

“Luke!” Luke hadn’t heard Jess enter the empty viewing area. He snapped out of his thoughts and turned toward his beaming nephew, pulling him in for a quick hug. 

“Congratulations, Jess! I’m so happy for you guys.” Luke pulled back from the hug and clapped Jess on the shoulder. “And, I’m so proud of you, nephew.” 

“Thanks, Luke. And thanks so much for coming all the way out to Philly in the middle of the night. I wasn’t sure if I should wake you, but I’m really glad you’re here.”

“Oh, I’m glad you woke me. I wouldn’t want to miss this.” Luke smiled at his nephew. “I can still remember seeing you like this when you were born. It doesn’t seem all that long ago…… I can’t believe my boy has a boy of his own.”

Jess smiled. “So, what do you think?” Jess tilted his head toward the viewing glass. “I bet you wouldn’t have been able to pick him out without the name on the crib, huh?”

“I think he’s perfect, Jess. You two made one beautiful baby. But, yeah, I was thrown by the blond hair. I would have thought your baby was that one over there.” Luke pointed toward a baby at the other end of the nursery. “The one with all the dark hair that looks kind of like a mini Sylvester Stallone.”

Jess laughed. “I know. I think Jamie’s all his mom. But, that’s probably a good thing, right?”

“Oh, how is she doing? I don’t want to keep you if you need to get back to her.”

“It’s ok. She’s good. She’s sleeping now. She was so amazing today, Luke. These last few months, really. I don’t know if I could have been as strong as she was if I’d had to go through what she did. Meredith is in her room with her in case she needs anything, and she’ll text me if she wakes up.”

“So, Jamie, huh? Jamie Mariano.” Luke tried out his great-nephew’s name, eyes still on the baby. “That has a nice ring to it.”

“Well, it’s James, really.” Luke turned to look at Jess, who shrugged in response. “I know, it’s a shitty coincidence. But he’s named after Kelly’s dad. It meant so much to her to name her son after him. She was really close to her dad. I couldn’t say no. But, I told her we had to come up with a nickname that wouldn’t be Jimmy. Cause there’s no way in hell, I’m calling my son Jimmy.”

Luke smiled warmly at his nephew. “You’re a good man, Jess.”

Jess smiled at the compliment. “And, uh, his middle name is William. For you.”

“Oh, Jess……” Luke could feel himself choke up a little.

“I know I didn’t know my grandfather, but I wanted to do something for you with his middle name since his first name is in honor of Kelly’s dad. We considered James Lucas, but I thought this would mean more to you.”

Luke felt his eyes getting a little damp, and turned back toward the glass separating them from his great-nephew. “I love it, Jess. James William Mariano. I think it’s perfect.”

“He’s lucky he wasn’t born a girl.” Jess smirked. “He could have ended up being named Meredith Bat-Shit-Crazy after both our mothers instead.” Jess giggled at his own joke.

Luke barked out a short laugh, before stopping himself and slapping his nephew on the arm. “Watch yourself, kid.”

“Sorry, it’s been a long night. That sounded funnier and less mean in my head.”

“Speaking of Liz, did you get in touch with her on the Renaissance Fair circuit? Does she know she’s a grandmother yet?”

“I couldn’t get ahold of her. I left her a message to call me. It usually takes her a couple of weeks to return my calls, so feel free to tell her if you talk to her before I do.”

Luke frowned. He wouldn’t mention anything to Liz. He knew she would want to hear the news from Jess, but he had learned to butt out of his nephew’s relationship with his sister years ago. He just nodded and let it go. He probably shouldn’t have asked about Liz at all.

“But, don’t tell April. I promised to text her a picture and let her know when he was born. But I want to wait until she’ll be awake.”

Luke nodded again. It made him happy every time he saw Jess and April together or heard them mention each other. He appreciated that they had both taken the time to get to know each other back when he had first learned that April was his daughter, and that they made the effort to be in each other’s lives, even if peripherally. Because of their ten year age gap, they would probably never be as close as most siblings or cousins, but they still treated each other like family. And seeing that always made Luke feel like he’d done something right. “Ok, I won’t say anything.”

“Oh, I just remembered. I have something for you.” He pulled his phone out of his back pocket and started searching through it.

“What? Why do you have something for me? I don’t even have anything for you. I bought this stuffed monkey as a baby present. It’s really cute. Has a little bowtie and everything. But then I ran out of the house so fast after you called that I forgot to grab it.”

Jess laughed, still looking down as he scrolled through his phone. “Luke, you didn’t need to bring us anything. You already bought us way too much stuff from our registry. Between you and Meredith, I don’t think you guys left any baby crap at Target for the other babies.”

“I know babies are expensive. I just want to make sure you have what you need.”

Jess looked up from his phone with a smile on his face, “Well, if I haven’t already said so enough, thank you. We appreciate it. But, the only thing I wanted from you tonight, was for you to be here. So, thanks for that, too.”

“You have said it, but you don’t need to. I want to help you guys out. And I’m happy to be here. I’m glad you called me.”

“Ha! I found what I was looking for.” Jess held up his phone, a big smile on his face. “Take a look at this, and try to tell me I don’t keep my promises!”

“What are you talking about?” Luke took the cell phone from Jess, interested to see what the boy was so excited about. “It’s so tiny, I can barely read it.” Luke held the phone a little further away to read the tiny printing, and then flicked his fingers on the screen to make the image bigger. Jess watched the smile spread across his uncle’s face as he registered what he was looking at. “Oh, my god, Jess, is this what I think it is?”

“That depends on your reading comprehension skills. If you think it’s my high school diploma, you would be correct.”

“Jess! I don’t believe this! This is so great! When did you do this?”

Jess laughed. “You do realize at this point in my life and career, this piece of paper won’t change anything right?”

“I don’t care about that. I’m so proud of you for finishing, Jess.” Luke pulled Jess in for another hug and dropped a kiss on the side of his head. 

“Email this to me.” Luke stepped back, and took in Jess’ amused expression. “I’m serious. I want a copy. They don’t give you a real one that you can frame, just an electronic one? I know it was an online school, but still……you put in the work, they should give you a real diploma.”

“The electronic version is free. They sent it automatically. I can pay to order a hard copy on nice paper, but since I’m not going to frame it or anything I wasn’t going to bother.” “But, I can definitely get you that copy if you really want it.” Jess was enjoying his uncle’s enthusiasm. He loved that he could count on Luke to be his biggest fan for any accomplishment, whether it was writing a book, having a baby, or finally graduating high school at thirty-four.

“Yeah, I definitely want the fancy copy. I’ll give you the money for whatever the fee is.”

“I’ve got it covered, Luke. I’ll get you the ‘fancy copy’. You can hang it in Rory’s old bedroom. Right next to her Yale diploma. Lorelai will love that.”

“Don’t be a wise-ass. I’m going to hang it in my office above the diner. I can look at it when I’m working up there. You can see it when you guys stay there when you’re visiting.” Jess chuckled. “Stop laughing. I’m being serious.” Luke chided. “So, what made you finally decide to finish?”

Jess tipped his head toward his baby son behind the glass. “That little guy in there. I started looking into finishing it a few weeks after we found out Kelly was pregnant. I honestly don’t think that not having it has held me back much in life. I think my career and my life worked out just fine without it. But, I knew I didn’t want to tell my kid that I was a high school drop-out. I didn’t want to set myself up to be a hypocrite when I tell him he has to graduate.” Jess shrugged. “I don’t know. It just seemed important to finish it now. Plus, I knew you’d appreciate it.”

“I definitely appreciate it. This makes me really happy, Jess.” Luke grinned at his nephew.

Jess smiled back. “I know it does. But, I don’t want my academic excellence to steal my son’s thunder on his first day of life. Let’s go find a nurse so you can hold your great-nephew.”

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Eight Months Later

Luke stood behind the counter in the closed diner, going through his receipts and counting out the cash to take upstairs to the safe. He sighed at the knock on the door. He had been in an off mood all day, not so much angry as withdrawn and a little down, and he really didn’t want to be bothered by someone who was too inconsiderate to respect the ‘Closed’ sign. He looked up to see Jess outside the door, and felt his spirits immediately lift.

He opened the door for his nephew, and stepped back so he could enter the diner. “Hey Luke!” Jess set his backpack down on the floor to give his uncle a quick hug. 

“Jess, you came?” Luke was, as always, happy to see his nephew, but he really hadn’t expected him this year.

Jess registered Luke’s surprise. “Yeah…… Of course, I did. It’s the 29th. We have a standing date for tomorrow.” Jess was thrown off by Luke’s reaction and tried to mask his unease with sarcasm. “I know you’re getting on in years, Luke, but I really didn’t think your mind would go this soon. Do I need to start looking into nursing homes already?”

Luke smiled at his nephew. “I know what day it is, smart-ass. I just wasn’t sure if you would be here this year. Hey, are you hungry? You want me to make you something to eat?”

Jess looked at his uncle in confusion. “Wait, what are you talking about, Luke? I’m here for this every year.”

Luke looked uncomfortable. “I just mean, I didn’t know if you’d have the time now. You know, with the new baby and everything. I know you’re really busy now.”

Jess chuckled. “That ‘new baby’ you speak of is eight months old. You may have noticed from the video I sent you last week that he’s taking steps now and everything.”

“I know how old Jamie is. I was there when he was born. I just didn’t know if you’d want to leave him to come out here for this.”

“I left him with his mother, who is perfectly capable of taking care of him by herself for a couple of days. It’s not like I shoved him in a dresser drawer so I could skip town.” Confusion turned to annoyance as Jess realized that Luke had anticipated being stood up without a word from his nephew. “Luke, we’ve done this together every year since I was eighteen. You really thought I was just going to not show up this year without telling you? You really think I’m that much of a jackass?”

Luke was starting to feel bad for doubting Jess. “No, of course I don’t think you’re a jackass. I don’t know……” He averted his eyes from his nephew. “We hadn’t made a plan or anything. You hadn’t said when you were getting here, so I thought you forgot. And I would understand if you had. I mean, I know that you have a lot going on with Jamie and work….” 

“A plan? What are you talking about? We never make a plan. You don’t need to plan something when it’s a tradition. It’s the same every year. I always just show up. It’s part of my charm.” Jess frowned. “I did mean to text you earlier this week to say I’d probably get in late tonight. So, you wouldn’t worry. And, you’re right, I did forget to do that, and I’m sorry if that made you think I wasn’t coming. But I would never just forget to show up. And if you thought I forgot, why didn’t you text me or say something?”

“I don’t know.” Luke started cautiously, not wanting to upset Jess. “I guess I didn’t want to bother you. Or make you feel like you had to come if you didn’t want to. I wasn’t sure you’d still want to do this now that you have a family of your own. I didn’t want you to feel pressured to come all the way out here just to go fishing with me, when you have Jamie at home now, and you never even liked fishing to begin with. I think you’ve caught like two fish in fifteen years-”

“Luke!” Jess cut off his uncle’s rambling. He hated that after all these years, it was still hard for Luke to understand that their relationship wasn’t just one way. That Jess got something important out of it, too. And that he wanted Luke to have a meaningful relationship with Jamie, as well, and with any other kids he might end up having. “I want you to listen to me. I’m not here because I feel pressured to be. Ever. This isn’t just something I do for you. I like it, too. I get something significant out of it, too. I didn’t grow up with any traditions as a kid, or even with any family other than Liz. You know that. And I like that we have our own thing. Me and you. And, yeah, I’ll probably leave Jamie with Kelly for the next couple of years at least, but I’m thinking by the time he’s three or four, I’ll start bringing him along. I would love for him to have this tradition in his life, too. I want him to know you and make his own memories with you. Because you’re important to me, and because you’re the only grandpa type person he has. And I want you to do grandpa type stuff with him. And, yeah, I don’t really know what that entails since I didn’t have a grandfather, but I’m thinking teaching him to fish seems like a good start. Ok?”

“Yeah, ok, Jess. That sounds really nice.” Luke felt like an idiot for underestimating the boy, when Jess had clearly had such different intentions than he had imagined.

It hurt Jess to think that Luke had likely spent the week trying not to get his hopes up about his nephew coming out to Stars Hollow. Thinking that someone he loved and had helped raise was just going to flake out on him and leave him by himself on a day that was so important to him. And feeling like he couldn’t even call Jess to ask him about it without being a bother. Jess knew he needed to make things clear to Luke, and he knew how to really drive his point home. “You should get this, Luke. You were close to your dad, too. If he hadn’t passed when you were so young, would you have stopped having time for that relationship and started blowing him off about important stuff when things changed in your life, like when you found out you had April, or when you married Lorelai?”

Luke shook his head slightly. “No, of course not.”

“Then trust that I won’t either. Trust that I want you to be a part of my life as much as you wanted your dad to be a part of yours. The next time you’re worried about something like this, or you feel like you’d be ‘bothering me’ to ask me about something, I want you to put yourself in my shoes and think about how you would have reacted to your dad in the same situation. Because you’re just as important to me as he was to you. I think you understand that logically, but I don’t think you always really get that. And you should. Because it’s true, and has been for a long time now.”

Luke was looking at Jess, wordlessly, his expression a mix of surprise and barely concealed emotion.

“And you can always call me if you need to talk about something. Always. I promise you won’t be bothering me. It goes both ways, Luke. If I don’t get to sleep in ATM vestibules, neither do you. Got it?”

Luke laughed quietly and nodded, a warm smile slowly forming on his face, feeling nothing but love for the man in front of him. “Ok, Jess. I get it. I do. I, uh, wasn’t really expecting to get a lecture, but I get what you’re saying and I appreciate it.”

Jess laughed. “Well, I wasn’t really expecting to give one. But, hey, you deserved it!”

“I guess I did.” Luke admitted, a little embarrassed for not having given Jess the benefit of the doubt. “I’m sorry for underestimating you, Jess. Really.” 

“It’s ok, Luke. Just don’t make me have to lecture you again. That felt weird. I think I’m better at being on the receiving end of a stern talking to.”

Luke laughed. “Don’t sell yourself short, nephew. It was a very good lecture. Looks like you have the makings of a pretty great dad.”

Jess shrugged. “I should. I did have a pretty great example to follow.”

\--The End--


End file.
